Staying alive is hard

[lugerepair]

I've decided that I wasn't going to kill myself because I don't want to hurt my family and friends. Problem is, I hate being alive, I hate this life, so fucking much. It's a trap. I'm just a consciousness trapped in a flesh prison with the illusion of free will surrounded by happy idiots everywhere I go. Most of the things I once enjoyed have been taken from me by circumstance. Getting through life is a huge drag. I happen to believe that people who are depressed are the only ones who see life accurately, for what it is. Namely, horrible, senseless suffering. Which means that feeling better would entail having to once again become deluded, and join others in their ridiculous delusions. I'm not sure I want that. But continuing to exist without those delusions is tough. Extremely tough. And to make matters worse, I'll soon need to get a job, and I just can't see myself working at a job. I don't think I'm functional enough...although who knows. Plus studying part-time. Soon, no more NEET life. I'm studying in order to get a job, the only job that I can actually picture myself doing over the long-term. But the process of obtaining the required qualifications has been absolutely awful. I'm hating these studies. I told myself that this was my last ditch attempt at having a life I can cope with. If my career aspirations don't work out, I told myself, I will CTB. Problem is, like I said, I don't want to hurt my friends and family. As if that's gonna change. I'm afraid of getting to the point where I'm in so much pain and so desperate that I will CTB anyway. If I'm going to CTB at all, it seems preferable to do it when I feel sane enough to put my things in order, write a suicide note that doesn't sound too crazy, etc. rather than wait until I'm in the worst possible state. But since I'm not in the worst possible state, considerations like "my family will be sad" still hold sway over me. So I guess I'm trapped here.

So I guess I am trying to stay alive. I am trying to "recover" to some degree, although I'm not sure there is anything to recover from, aside from the realization that existence is a sick joke.

 

[LostSoul1609]

I've decided that I wasn't going to kill myself because I don't want to hurt my family and friends. Problem is, I hate being alive, I hate this life, so fucking much. It's a trap. I'm just a consciousness trapped in a flesh prison with the illusion of free will surrounded by happy idiots everywhere I go. Most of the things I once enjoyed have been taken from me by circumstance. Getting through life is a huge drag. I happen to believe that people who are depressed are the only ones who see life accurately, for what it is. Namely, horrible, senseless suffering. Which means that feeling better would entail having to once again become deluded, and join others in their ridiculous delusions. I'm not sure I want that. But continuing to exist without those delusions is tough. Extremely tough. And to make matters worse, I'll soon need to get a job, and I just can't see myself working at a job. I don't think I'm functional enough...although who knows. Plus studying part-time. Soon, no more NEET life. I'm studying in order to get a job, the only job that I can actually picture myself doing over the long-term. But the process of obtaining the required qualifications has been absolutely awful. I'm hating these studies. I told myself that this was my last ditch attempt at having a life I can cope with. If my career aspirations don't work out, I told myself, I will CTB. Problem is, like I said, I don't want to hurt my friends and family. As if that's gonna change. I'm afraid of getting to the point where I'm in so much pain and so desperate that I will CTB anyway. If I'm going to CTB at all, it seems preferable to do it when I feel sane enough to put my things in order, write a suicide note that doesn't sound too crazy, etc. rather than wait until I'm in the worst possible state. But since I'm not in the worst possible state, considerations like "my family will be sad" still hold sway over me. So I guess I'm trapped here.

So I guess I am trying to stay alive. I am trying to "recover" to some degree, although I'm not sure there is anything to recover from, aside from the realization that existence is a sick joke.

What are those things that made you happy that were taken away from you?

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

I've decided that I wasn't going to kill myself because I don't want to hurt my family and friends. Problem is, I hate being alive, I hate this life, so fucking much. It's a trap. I'm just a consciousness trapped in a flesh prison with the illusion of free will surrounded by happy idiots everywhere I go. Most of the things I once enjoyed have been taken from me by circumstance. Getting through life is a huge drag. I happen to believe that people who are depressed are the only ones who see life accurately, for what it is. Namely, horrible, senseless suffering. Which means that feeling better would entail having to once again become deluded, and join others in their ridiculous delusions. I'm not sure I want that. But continuing to exist without those delusions is tough. Extremely tough. And to make matters worse, I'll soon need to get a job, and I just can't see myself working at a job. I don't think I'm functional enough...although who knows. Plus studying part-time. Soon, no more NEET life. I'm studying in order to get a job, the only job that I can actually picture myself doing over the long-term. But the process of obtaining the required qualifications has been absolutely awful. I'm hating these studies. I told myself that this was my last ditch attempt at having a life I can cope with. If my career aspirations don't work out, I told myself, I will CTB. Problem is, like I said, I don't want to hurt my friends and family. As if that's gonna change. I'm afraid of getting to the point where I'm in so much pain and so desperate that I will CTB anyway. If I'm going to CTB at all, it seems preferable to do it when I feel sane enough to put my things in order, write a suicide note that doesn't sound too crazy, etc. rather than wait until I'm in the worst possible state. But since I'm not in the worst possible state, considerations like "my family will be sad" still hold sway over me. So I guess I'm trapped here.

So I guess I am trying to stay alive. I am trying to "recover" to some degree, although I'm not sure there is anything to recover from, aside from the realization that existence is a sick joke.

I hear ya, friend. Living is hard…. and can be pointless…..
I'm sorry you're stuck here. But you really don't owe anything to anyone…. It's your life to live (or not) and your decisions to make.
I'm not trying to advertise/condone suicide or anything. I'm only trying to show you always have options….even if they are very limited……

 

[lugerepair]

I hear ya, friend. Living is hard…. and can be pointless…..
I'm sorry you're stuck here. But you really don't owe anything to anyone…. It's your life to live (or not) and your decisions to make.
I'm not trying to advertise/condone suicide or anything. I'm only trying to show you always have options….even if they are very limited……

I know I don't owe anyone anything. I don't think it would be immoral or selfish for me to kill myself. I just choose not to, for other people's sake. That's the choice I'm making.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

I know I don't owe anyone anything. I don't think it would be immoral or selfish for me to kill myself. I just choose not to, for other people's sake. That's the choice I'm making.

Understood. It's a voluntary choice, and I can only admire your dedication to the people you love.
I hope you'll find ways of making your life tolerable and decent.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Staying alive is hard ... and expensive. :(

 

[lugerepair]

Staying alive is hard ... and expensive. :(

Ain't that the truth. So tired of having to worry about money.

 

[cooldude420]

what career aspierashuns?

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering. Living certainly is tiring, I have similar feelings, I dislike simply being conscious and aware. Life is just disappointing and a constant struggle. Even know I wouldn't stay alive just for the sake of others, I understand not wanting to cause them pain. I wish you well.

 

[TheLoneWolf]

It can be very hard indeed for us who really struggle.

For a long time I wanted to open up to my family about how I feel going through physical and mental pain everyday. I can tell from my own recent experience that it helps a lot to do so if there's understanding. Suicide is a sensitive topic but I think it's important to talk about if someone really consider it. Also so that nobody is shocked if it happens.

If family really cares then they don't keep someone alive who's really suffering and then there's no discussion about anyone being selfish or anything else.

Those who are saying suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem really don't understand the pain and suffering some people are going through for years or decades.

We can always try to give life another chance, but from my own experience I have learned to keep expections low.

 

[EraseRewind]

Sometimes I think it's too hard. I'm taking it a day at a time.

 

[Kattt]

As useful as qualifications are, life experience is also immensely valuable. Employers don't want to waste time and money training someone for a job, so vocational qualifications are quite well regarded, unless you intend on being a brain surgeon or something.
Travel and a variety of skills is also immensely valuable

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Employers don't want to waste time and money training someone for a job

That's part of the problem.

 

[Kattt]

That's part of the problem.

I don't know where you are, but here we have vocational qualifications that equip you with everything you need to walk right into a job

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I don't know where you are, but here we have vocational qualifications that equip you with everything you need to walk right into a job

Not where I am.

 

[Kattt]

Not where I am.

This is what I mean:

What is an NVQ? (National Vocational Qualification)

SVT is a provider of vocational training courses for Health & Safety, Management, Leadership and Health and Social Care.

www.vocationaltraining.org.uk

 

[lugerepair]

This is what I mean:

What is an NVQ? (National Vocational Qualification)

SVT is a provider of vocational training courses for Health & Safety, Management, Leadership and Health and Social Care.

www.vocationaltraining.org.uk

That sounds interesting but I'm not in the UK

 

[Kattt]

That sounds interesting but I'm not in the UK

I did one after I had my kids and in hindsight, it's probably got me more work than all the other qualifications put together. It's worth asking at a local advisory service if anything similar exists

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

This is what I mean:

What is an NVQ? (National Vocational Qualification)

SVT is a provider of vocational training courses for Health & Safety, Management, Leadership and Health and Social Care.

www.vocationaltraining.org.uk

I see some problems with such a system in a country where education (including "vocational training") costs are sky-high AND there are very few worker rights (including the deaths of many pro-worker unions). Not only can people get locked into a profession so that it's costly (time, money) to change, but people who're perfectly capable of learning/doing the work but who lack the cash to train (including the high living cost investment) are kept out of work. Or remain trapped in low-wage hell.

Related to the above is qualification-creep. In my neck of the woods, for example, social workers are among the most in-demand workers (by pop need). Especially with suicides rising year after year, an opioid epidemic, the stresses of dealing with events like the pandemic..., there's a documented growing need for social workers. Our state university's social work program is a THREE year master's program. This doesn't include the slave-labor....errr....I mean, hundreds of unpaid clinical training hours which trainees pay to schools and centers. What started out as a vocational training program morphed into a 4-year degree program with tuition-included for-credit clinicals, and this has morphed into a 7-year degree program with unpaid required (typically full-time) clinical hours. If someone isn't lucky enough to have supporting parents or a spouse/partner, good luck with all that. This works against older people (35+) who due to divorce or other major life changes must change careers.

Other once-vocations (like construction...) are following suit, pushing 4-year and even 6-year degrees to capitalize on the fast-guaranteed-education-dollar boom. Meanwhile, corporations are using their considerable legislative influence to divest workers of critical protections, rights. So more and more workers are disposable even after investing in education or vocational training.

Compounding all that, age discrimination in my country is documented (multiple government and industry studies) to start as early as the 30's (in high-wage tech, even late 20's). There are many reports of older workers (40's+) doing very well in vocational/academic programs (computer tech, health care, teaching, welding....) only to finish their programs never to get job offers. The opportunity cost can be catastrophic, to say nothing about the effects on their future survivability (no investment/saving money, can't afford a mortgage so no stable housing, health care tied to work--which they don't have...).

The problems the OP alludes to aren't addressed by getting another degree/certificate/vocational qualification. The problems are systemic and profound but intractable because the most powerful benefit from them. And because the rest of us who seem to be doing OK don't care. As others have said, it makes the relatively powerless individual just another faceless head in the herd of cattle.

Another point. It's well-known in my country's legal scholarship and advocacy that national courts greatly favor corporations relative to private citizens. And our highest court for decades now has ruled increasingly in favor of powerful corporations. Scholars internationally have published research that shows clearly that one of the greatest dangers of this wealth and power imbalance is that the powerful minority elites eventually take control of the government. Research in the US, for example, shows that there is a strong statistical relationship between passage of legislation and the popularity of the legislation for the corporate class.

Nor is the relationship between wealth inequality and legislative control unique to the US. Some parts of the world, like Europe, are still doing better than the States, but the noxious problem is present there, too, and growing. And none of that even touches on the exorbitant cost of legal representation in my country that makes it a luxury only the wealthy can typically afford. "Justice" for sale. Almost no one cares about the vulnerable.

Articles like this one might appear on the surface jocular, but they're far from it. Rise the age of the elite technocracy where workers are just expendable cogs.

(Rant over)

 

[Kattt]

I see some problems with such a system in a country where education (including "vocational training") costs are sky-high AND there are very few worker rights (including the deaths of many pro-worker unions). Not only can people get locked into a profession so that it's costly (time, money) to change, but people who're perfectly capable of learning/doing the work but who lack the cash to train (including the high living cost investment) are kept out of work. Or remain trapped in low-wage hell.

Related to the above is qualification-creep. In my neck of the woods, for example, social workers are among the most in-demand workers (by pop need). Especially with suicides rising year after year, an opioid epidemic, the stresses of dealing with events like the pandemic..., there's a documented growing need for social workers. Our state university's social work program is a THREE year master's program. This doesn't include the slave-labor....errr....I mean, hundreds of unpaid clinical training hours which trainees pay to schools and centers. What started out as a vocational training program morphed into a 4-year degree program with tuition-included for-credit clinicals, and this has morphed into a 7-year degree program with unpaid required (typically full-time) clinical hours. If someone isn't lucky enough to have supporting parents or a spouse/partner, good luck with all that. This works against older people (35+) who due to divorce or other major life changes must change careers.

Other once-vocations (like construction...) are following suit, pushing 4-year and even 6-year degrees to capitalize on the fast-guaranteed-education-dollar boom. Meanwhile, corporations are using their considerable legislative influence to divest workers of critical protections, rights. So more and more workers are disposable even after investing in education or vocational training.

Compounding all that, age discrimination in my country is documented (multiple government and industry studies) to start as early as the 30's (in high-wage tech, even late 20's). There are many reports of older workers (40's+) doing very well in vocational/academic programs (computer tech, health care, teaching, welding....) only to finish their programs never to get job offers. The opportunity cost can be catastrophic, to say nothing about the effects on their future survivability (no investment/saving money, can't afford a mortgage so no stable housing, health care tied to work--which they don't have...).

The problems the OP alludes to aren't addressed by getting another degree/certificate/vocational qualification. The problems are systemic and profound but intractable because the most powerful benefit from them. And because the rest of us who seem to be doing OK don't care. As others have said, it makes the relatively powerless individual just another faceless head in the herd of cattle.

Another point. It's well-known in my country's legal scholarship and advocacy that national courts greatly favor corporations relative to private citizens. And our highest court for decades now has ruled increasingly in favor of powerful corporations. Scholars internationally have published research that shows clearly that one of the greatest dangers of this wealth and power imbalance is that the powerful minority elites eventually take control of the government. Research in the US, for example, shows that there is a strong statistical relationship between passage of legislation and the popularity of the legislation for the corporate class.

Nor is the relationship between wealth inequality and legislative control unique to the US. Some parts of the world, like Europe, are still doing better than the States, but the noxious problem is present there, too, and growing. And none of that even touches on the exorbitant cost of legal representation in my country that makes it a luxury only the wealthy can typically afford. "Justice" for sale. Almost no one cares about the vulnerable.

Articles like this one might appear on the surface jocular, but they're far from it. Rise the age of the elite technocracy where workers are just expendable cogs.

(Rant over)

There's no denying the issues with wealth and power and all that comes with it. The reason for showing it was simply to explain the kind of thing i had mentioned which I acquired as an adult student after having kids. And providing training aswell as written assessments, I left able to get immediate employment with all the H&S certificates etc.
Obviously it doesn't work for every career, but it's also allowed me to get part time work while still studying.
I'm sorry if you were offended. It was simply an idea I hoped may prove of use to somebody,somewhere.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

There's no denying the issues with wealth and power and all that comes with it. The reason for showing it was simply to explain the kind of thing i had mentioned which I acquired as an adult student after having kids. And providing training aswell as written assessments, I left able to get immediate employment with all the H&S certificates etc.
Obviously it doesn't work for every career, but it's also allowed me to get part time work while still studying.
I'm sorry if you were offended. It was simply an idea I hoped may prove of use to somebody,somewhere.

Not offended at all. I'm happy things worked out for you. I'm sure you're right, too, that this path works for others. I meant to point out that, at least in my country, for decades we've been told that education (including vocational training) is the way towards a secure future. It hasn't worked out that way here for millions because living and education costs are very high.

A welding training program in my part of the country costs over $20K (not eligible for guaranteed federal loans because, like many vocational training programs, it's not offered through a college), while the average rent for a studio is over $1200. Add in books, equipment fees, food, transportation, health care costs... The people who most desperately need a professional leg up often can't afford it. They have no support. Studies show that even if tuition were "free," the vulnerable still can't afford it (living costs). We could fix this for everybody, but we just don't want to. Instead, we keep applying bandaids to the underlying problem.

 

[Kattt]

Not offended at all. I'm happy things worked out for you. I'm sure you're right, too, that this path works for others. I meant to point out that, at least in my country, for decades we've been told that education (including vocational training) is the way towards a secure future. It hasn't worked out that way here for millions because living and education costs are very high.

A welding training program in my part of the country costs over $20K (not eligible for guaranteed federal loans because, like many vocational training programs, it's not offered through a college), while the average rent for a studio is over $1200. Add in books, equipment fees, food, transportation, health care costs... The people who most desperately need a professional leg up often can't afford it. They have no support. Studies show that even if tuition were "free," the vulnerable still can't afford it (living costs). We could fix this for everybody, but we just don't want to. Instead, we keep applying bandaids to the underlying problem.

That's so elitist, but I wouldn't be the least surprised if we didn't initiate a similar approach

 

[Judah]

Certainly the current world is in chaos and it seems that this has no rest, it is increasingly difficult to climb the steps, forcing us to stay in the lowest positions of society, I really hate this, I feel that I do not belong here

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/dear-millennials-you-are-broke.71361/