State of Mind at the Time of Action

[Amossoma543]

I've heard people talk about how a person seems happy, laughing, making jokes, while still having a solid plan for their scheduled CTB...and they cannot understand the two things. Don't you need to be in a deep dark place, all sad and depressed and suicidal? No, not necessarily. In fact, those times may be the times when one should wait for a day or two to see if it's really what you want to do.

I feel relatively great right now. Things are calm. No crisis rising up at the moment, although they often come flying in from the side right out of the blue.

My approach is pretty straightforward: I've decided it's happening, and I really wanted to make sure that I was in a good place before doing it. This way, I feel I'm in the best state of mind to make the decision. If I saw someone with a gun to their head, crying and snorting and screaming about how awful life was...I would try to talk that person down, not to stop them from enjoying their right to end their own life...but to hopefully make sure they weren't making a mistake based on heated emotion, something they might've regretted later (but now can't reverse).

I feel pretty good...for the past 3 days...and yet I still plan to put my plan into action this weekend. The elevated mood I have doesn't change the nature of my totally fucked up circumstances that will only get worse the longer I wait. That's just a fact, and exiting the building is the best choice for all involved, and even if it wasn't best for *all*...it's *my* choice, therefore, I make that decision myself.

So while I'm certain I'll have anxiety and some fear, I won't be shaking my fist at the sky, cursing "god" or fate...I won't be waving goodbye to this "cruel, cruel world!"...I won't be drowning in snot and tears and blubbering. I'm doing it with a calm approach, a reasoned approach, and with careful consideration so that I have my wits about me so I don't mess anything up.

I wish all of us to have a safe and productive journey or ending or whatever words you choose. I wish you all happiness and success in your endeavors and goals.

 

[squirtsoda]

During my attempts, all of which were serious and should have been very lethal, I was just cold and calculated ready to go. Nothing like crying, sad, sobbing. No one around me ever had any idea it was coming, and they won't next time which is hopefully the last.

 

[theguineapigking]

This is amazingly well put. It's literally like putting my own words in a more eloquent way.

Many people do rush into it and would possibly later regret it if there's an afterlife,or if they survive and fail. They may decide they do want to live and emotion clouded their judgement. It's good that you see this so clearly. I'm glad you know what's best for you.


I'm so sorry you're going through all this bullshit that so many people have to suffer through. I truly hope you find happiness and peace. Hopefully if you go through with it,everything goes smoothly and peacefully.


Good luck and thanks for the post :)

 

[avoid_slow_death]

I think it's because when you finally become committed to carrying through you feel a sense of liberation, if you will. All the problems that plagued and dragged you down before you decide this is absolutely and firmly what you want to do and commit to carrying out your plan with a clear head and unshakable certainty are simply things you have accepted and, in a sense, moved on from.

As for your commitment, I am glad you are at peace with yourself and have come to terms with your decision. Amongst all the talk of how difficult this method and that method is or isn't, the pondering on how those left behind are affected and questions about what happens after, I feel that committing to your plan without reservations of any kind is easily the most difficult step in the entire process so good on you for taking the hardest and most crucial step. Although I don't know you or your history, I applaud you for having the will, bravery and tenacity to take that step. Good luck and take care.

 

[Ghost2211]

I think we cry more during the processing phases. Once we get to the action stage a lot of people will be calm, happy, excited, or relieved it will be over soon.

everyone handles it differently. I would never want to go when sad and crying.

 

[Amossoma543]

During my attempts, all of which were serious and should have been very lethal, I was just cold and calculated ready to go. Nothing like crying, sad, sobbing. No one around me ever had any idea it was coming, and they won't next time which is hopefully the last.

Yes, this will be the case for me. It bothers me a little...because I know that I hate surprises...so I don't like that some will be shocked. Then again, every person I've known who has taken their own life (I think there were 3 in my entire life, only one I was close to), I was surprised when I found out. The truth is, we never truly know what a person is capable of doing. The human mind is so complex, it's impossible to predict with any degree of certainty what someone will or won't do.

This is amazingly well put. It's literally like putting my own words in a more eloquent way.

Many people do rush into it and would possibly later regret it if there's an afterlife,or if they survive and fail. They may decide they do want to live and emotion clouded their judgement. It's good that you see this so clearly. I'm glad you know what's best for you.


I'm so sorry you're going through all this bullshit that so many people have to suffer through. I truly hope you find happiness and peace. Hopefully if you go through with it,everything goes smoothly and peacefully.


Good luck and thanks for the post :)

I appreciate the very kind and generous words. I will try my best to erase my history before I go, because I don't want anyone in my family to find this website, figure out my name, and then take things out on this site or the people here. This site has helped me, but it hasn't persuaded me to take my life...it's given me space to measure myself, to measure my thoughts, to think aloud what I've never written down before, to hear others who thinking like-minded thoughts, and to judge and weigh my decisions for holes, for breaks in reasoning or logic...and just a place to simply vent and process things.

There just is no other place to do this. In real life, conversations like this would get us all kinds of negative attention, and we'd *lose* more rights...not gain them. We would be quickly taught to keep our feelings to ourselves "or else". We would learn quickly that sharing these kind of thoughts and ideas that are in our heads earns you immediate and long-lasting suspicion, distrust, a label, you might even be locked up "for your own good"...it might ruin your chances of getting employment. Society teaches us that, despite what we are told, some honesty doesn't help at all...it can hurt you pretty severely.

This is part of what annoys me so much about the Suicide Prevention industry. It's not that I don't think that they mean well...it's that they are entirely convinced that BECAUSE they mean well, whatever they do to stop you is GOOD to do and is JUSTIFIED. Once you speak the unspeakable words: I want to die...then you give up certain rights immediately. And well over 90% of the population would gladly see you locked behind a door and medicated. No questions asked, no discussion...and if someone doesn't believe this, just look at the comments from news stories about websites like this one. 95% (and more) are strong sentiments, saying this place is "evil" and "sick" and that there should be a law to have our voices silenced...shut it down...raid it and destroy it.

But in the same breath, they ask us to talk about our feelings. Are you kidding me? Yeah...I'll share my feelings with you so that you can yell for the authorities to lock me up once you hear what I have to say.

Most of us DO NOT want the kind of "help" they will offer. It's a help that will make you wish you'd never shared your thoughts in the first place.