starvation log/vsed attempt

[citrusfruit]

I'm going to attempt to starve to death. It's October 11th, 2024 at 7:11 pm. I had my last meal a couple hours ago.
I've had an eating disorder since I was 13, my 21rst birthday is less than a month away now. I've been fully recovered since june of this year. After starting HRT testosterone in april, it became almost impossible to continue restricting. I don't remember when the last time I weighed myself was, but since doing recovery my body's kind of stabilized and I've been sitting at 91 lbs (41 kg) for more than a few months.

I'm not going to dry fast, I'll let myself drink water even though I know dry fasting would expedite the process.

I don't care about how painful or difficult this process will be. The end result will be worth it. I was caught in a partial hanging attempt by my boyfriend a few months ago, and I can't traumatize him like that again. I don't want him to find my body knowing that I intentionally ended my life, like i didnt care about how he would feel finding me. I don't have a vehicle and I'm not old enough to book a hotel room, not that I could afford it anyway, so there aren't any other methods that could work for me.

I have to die because I can no longer afford to live. I was just rejected from the only job that I think I could tolerate. And I feel genuinely disabled by my mental health. when I'm working shitty, bareley above minimum wage fast food/retail jobs the sole thing that i can think about on the clock is killing myself. I cant even enjoy my time outside of work because i know ill have to go back.

The only thing that worries me about this method, is Im afraid I'll have some sort of medical episode like a heart attack when I'm around my boyfriend and he will force me to get medical attention. So that'd be an ambulance ride + an er admission bill that would add to the already thousands of dollars of medical debt I'm in from getting stitches for self inflicted injuries.

I'll keep updating this thread day by day about how my attempt is going. my previous fasting record was only 100 hours/4 days. If i can't fast, I'll purge everything i eat and hopefully deplete my electrolytes

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

This is a hard attempt to complete, is there no other ways you think you can CTB?

 

[citrusfruit]

This is a hard attempt to complete, is there no other ways you think you can CTB?

my budget is $0, and i cant do it in a way that would clearly have been suicide. my boyfriend will be just as devastated that i died this way, but it wont be such a traumatizing shock like finding my hanging body would be

 

[willitpass]

I know you have an eating disorder and appear to already be malnourished based on your weight, but this is still very possibly going to take multiple weeks to months to kill you. By the time you near death, if electrolyte imbalance doesn't take you out suddenly, you will be too weak to even get out of bed. Your boyfriend will likely force you to get help at that point. You may also hallucinate or become delirious, again causing someone in your life to get you help. And I know you have an eating disorder, but I do too and I failed this method (though I did true VSED). Even with a restrictive ED it is still very possible you find yourself in an uncontrollable binge after you make it several days in and your body starts to go into survival mode. This really isn't an attainable method.

 

[ThisIsMe1357]

There is a stickied thread at the top of this forum called "Non-methods that should not be attempted. I am talking about this one:

Non-methods that should not be attempted

mod note: this has been added to the suicide resource compilation at the top. This has been made in response to the ever increasing amount of posts made about highly unlikely methods. Please read before posting about one of these methods or feel free to link if someone does post about them...

www.sanctioned-suicide.net

Not eating and drinking is mentioned as the last one of them. And for a good reason! Not only would it take weeks of incredible patience for you to starve to death, but it would likely be too unpleasant towards the end. Also, you will not just drop dead to the ground one second. You will probably become slowly weaker and weaker over time to the point of losing consciousness or fainting without anything else happening immediately. During that time of not being aware of anything, there will be a high chance of you being found. And all of this is probably going to happen after many weeks of suffering leading nowhere.

I just want to be realistic in my post here. I once did not eat and drink anything for a week and absolutely nothing happened to me whatsoever. I think just not eating anything is even less likely to kill you than not eating and not drinking.

 

[citrusfruit]

I know you have an eating disorder and appear to already be malnourished based on your weight, but this is still very possibly going to take multiple weeks to months to kill you. By the time you near death, if electrolyte imbalance doesn't take you out suddenly, you will be too weak to even get out of bed. Your boyfriend will likely force you to get .help at that point. You may also hallucinate or become delirious, again causing someone in your life to get you help. And I know you have an eating disorder, but I do too and I failed this method (though I did true VSED). Even with a restrictive ED it is still very possible you find yourself in an uncontrollable binge after you make it several days in and your body starts to go into survival mode. This really isn't an attainable method.

Yeah i know its unrealistic... I still want to try though, just to give me the comfort that my life could possibly end sooner rather than later. I don't think he'll force me to get help unless I'm having an actual heart attack. Ive passed out multiple times in one day in front of him and even then he didn't try to force food down my throat. He wouldn't force me to admit myself to the hospital as he knows I don't have insurance and neither of us could afford it out of pocket. If i binge, I'll just purge. I know some calories get absorbed even with purging, but I'm prepared to keep this up for as long as it takes

There is a stickied thread at the top of this forum called "Non-methods that should not be attempted. I am talking about this one:

Non-methods that should not be attempted

mod note: this has been added to the suicide resource compilation at the top. This has been made in response to the ever increasing amount of posts made about highly unlikely methods. Please read before posting about one of these methods or feel free to link if someone does post about them...

www.sanctioned-suicide.net

Not eating and drinking is mentioned as the last one of them. And for a good reason! Not only would it take weeks of incredible patience for you to starve to death, but it would likely be too unpleasant towards the end. Also, you will not just drop dead to the ground one second. You will probably become slowly weaker and weaker over time to the point of losing consciousness or fainting without anything else happening immediately. During that time of not being aware of anything, there will be a high chance of you being found. And all of this is probably going to happen after many weeks of suffering leading nowhere.

I just want to be realistic in my post here. I once did not eat and drink anything for a week and absolutely nothing happened to me whatsoever. I think just not eating anything is even less likely to kill you than not eating and not drinking.

I'm prepared to keep this up for as long as it takes. Ive heard stories from other anorexics about how they ended up in the hospital, and how they've seen people in hospital die from their eating disorders. I know it's extremely unpleasant. Your loved ones will beg and plead for you to eat anything. I've made my decision. I will keep going until it kills me.

Hospitalization is very unlikely since i simply cant afford it.

 

[willitpass]

Have you ever watched "Emma Wants to Live"? It's on YouTube with English subtitles.

 

[citrusfruit]

Have you ever watched "Emma Wants to Live"? It's on YouTube with English subtitles.

ill check it out rn!
I think the difference between me and her is that she wanted to live. and had people in her life who cared about her. and on top of that had people in her life who were able to fund her treatment

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find peace from suffering, best wishes.

 

[willitpass]

ill check it out rn!
I think the difference between me and her is that she wanted to live. and had people in her life who cared about her. and on top of that had people in her life who were able to fund her treatment

I was offering it more of in the sense of what the physiological process of starving to death can entail. Being too weak to cough or stand and the like.

 

[nir]

I was offering it more of in the sense of what the physiological process of starving to death can entail. Being too weak to cough or stand and the like.

The being too weak to cough part of that video almost made me feel claustrophobic. I have a mild eating disorder, and watching that made me very glad it's mild. How sad.

 

[citrusfruit]

A little over 24 hrs in. Feeling fine. I've been taking sleeping pills and just slept through most of the day.

 

[citrusfruit]

I'm starving. Feel weak and shitty today. But that anorexic euphoria is making me feel kinda good.

 

[cheaptrick]

I hope it goes well. If you don't feel confident you can go through it it's it before you get too deep in, I would recommend aborting. Extended periods of starvation lead to organ damage which is irreversible.

Either way keep us updated as long as you're comfortable.

 

[KillingPain267]

Dude, there are methods that are a lot faster and less painful, and won't leave your body in a state to traumatize your bf. In fact, by the end of your attempt you're gonna traumatize him and others even more by a slow death. I think this is just your anorexia speaking.

 

[willitpass]

I think this is just your anorexia speaking.

I don't know if you have anorexia or not, but "just" anorexia speaking is equally if not more powerful than suicidal thoughts. Combined with suicidal thoughts, it can and is possible for someone with anorexia to starve themselves to death. The "just" anorexia thoughts are deafeningly loud. Anorexia is a horrible, horrible disease.

 

[KillingPain267]

I don't know if you have anorexia or not, but "just" anorexia speaking is equally if not more powerful than suicidal thoughts. Combined with suicidal thoughts, it can and is possible for someone with anorexia to starve themselves to death. The "just" anorexia thoughts are deafeningly loud. Anorexia is a horrible, horrible disease.

I understand that. I am an addict but sober right now. Daily I have to drown out desires to drink or get high though. I could very well just give in and drink my way to death, but I know it would just be the addiction speaking rather than my suicidality. How can I differentiate those two? By knowing that drinking myself to death it would be slow and painful. So instead of looking to "methods" that sound way too similar to addiction, I am looking to something much faster and with a little better success rate and much less chance to be "saved" right before dying, just prolonging the suffering. Anorexia is a horrible disease, I agree, and that's why I am warning OP because what they describe as a ctb method doesn't sound like ctb, but rather anorexia. The true VSED method is without fluids, so what OP attempts here only prolongs suffering for way longer than necessary.

 

[willitpass]

I understand that. I am an addict but sober right now. Daily I have to drown out desires to drink or get high though. I could very well just give in and drink my way to death, but I know it would just be the addiction speaking rather than my suicidality. How can I differentiate those two? By knowing that drinking myself to death it would be slow and painful. So instead of looking to "methods" that sound way too similar to addiction, I am looking to something much faster and with a little better success rate and much less chance to be "saved" right before dying, just prolonging the suffering. Anorexia is a horrible disease, I agree, and that's why I am warning OP because what they describe as a ctb method doesn't sound like ctb, but rather anorexia. The true VSED method is without fluids, so what OP attempts here only prolongs suffering for way longer than necessary.

It can be the nature of anorexia to WANT to die as thin as possible, even if it means starving to death. That's one of the things that is different from other addictions about anorexia. Drug addicts or alcoholics don't typically desire to be as sick as possible even if it means death. Even though it's an addiction, drug addicts don't typically have the mindset of "I want to get to the point of shooting up 40 times a day even if it kills me". The nature of anorexia, though, is the drive to be sicker and sicker and sicker even if you know it may kill you. The disease feeds on itself. Many anorexics, especially suicidal anorexics, are willing to do whatever it takes to be as small as possible and reach unrealistic goal weights even if they die from it because of the thought process that at least they'll die small. I have talked with some anorexics who are suicidal but actually staying alive for the sake of reaching their goal weight first. I don't perse want to stay alive to reach my goal weight, but if I die in the process of getting there I wouldn't care. It's a very complex disorder. It may not make sense to those who haven't experienced it, but that's part of what makes it one of the deadliest mental illnesses, is that it feeds on itself.

 

[KillingPain267]

It can be the nature of anorexia to WANT to die as thin as possible, even if it means starving to death. That's one of the things that is different from other addictions about anorexia. Drug addicts or alcoholics don't typically desire to be as sick as possible even if it means death. Even though it's an addiction, drug addicts don't typically have the mindset of "I want to get to the point of shooting up 40 times a day even if it kills me". The nature of anorexia, though, is the drive to be sicker and sicker and sicker even if you know it may kill you. The disease feeds on itself. Many anorexics, especially suicidal anorexics, are willing to do whatever it takes to be as small as possible and reach unrealistic goal weights even if they die from it because of the thought process that at least they'll die small. I have talked with some anorexics who are suicidal but actually staying alive for the sake of reaching their goal weight first. I don't perse want to stay alive to reach my goal weight, but if I die in the process of getting there I wouldn't care. It's a very complex disorder. It may not make sense to those who haven't experienced it, but that's part of what makes it one of the deadliest mental illnesses, is that it feeds on itself.

Sure, they want to be as small as possible at all costs, even sickness and suffering. But are you sure they actually want the added sickness, organ damage and suffering that comes with being extremely underweight?

 

[willitpass]

Sure, they want to be as small as possible at all costs, even sickness and suffering. But are you sure they actually want the added sickness, organ damage and suffering that comes with being extremely underweight?

As an anorexic who has had many conversations with many anorexics: most don't WANT the negative things that come along with it, but we are willing to do whatever it takes to get to our goal, even if it is suffering, sickness, and organ damage. Ever heard that you aren't supposed to tell an anorexic in recovery that they look healthier? It's because we know that what we are doing is making us sick, but we feel an unbelievably strong urge to get as low as possible. And to be told that we look healthy means that we are going in the wrong direction. I myself had someone tell me I look healthier today and am now feeling like I need to work 10X harder to lose weight. It is something that is so hard to understand unless you have an eating disorder because it really isn't a mindset that can be replicated by any other disorder.

 

[willow115]

If you're not old enough to book a hotel room of course you don't have a bunch of money. This economy is murdering children/very young adults. No insurance either, no way get healthcare. Sick society.

I understand your method. I have an ed and it feels relieving to slowly let go. Obviously, the end game is much more gruesome.

I hope you consider being honest with your partner and let him step in if he can. I understand the hesitance though if he just can't.

 

[citrusfruit]

Got a job suicide canceled for now
Able to pay psychiatrist appointment copays and stuff so I'll be able to get back on antidepressants and get therapy