Starting Therapy

[annxietty]

Im currently unemployed again, but I have a nice amount of money saved and if everything goes as planned I wont be unemployed for long... so I decided to start therapy, like the one you pay for, not the free one that sucks your soul and leaves you more suicidal.

Im a person that answers very good to therapy, at least Its been like that in the past, I know many people here have no hopes in therapy, and honestly if this fails and I realize Im not that great with therapy, Im scared I will go back to the abyss I was in. Im currently unable to contact with my psychiatrist (a free one that has terrible reviews and is more worried about my weight than my self harm tendencies lmao, but he gives good medication lol) my medication is failing me because its been a year since I started it, Im in constant anxiety now, and the last week of work I had to take valium every 3h to keep myself calm. Valium is supposed to be my SOS med, you know, the one you take when you are about to break, but Ive been taking it so regularly it has become a daily pill, and it sucks because my body will get used to it and stop making any effect on me. Valium is awesome by the way, I love medication like that, you argue with your dad and feel like dying? take 3 pills of valium and you wont care about anything, its awesome... And I feel normal, relaxed, but apparently is very obvious Im "high" because when I talk with my mom on the phone under the influence of valium she immediately says "ok, what did you take and how much?" just from my voice lmao, and my sister sees my face and tells me, "go sleep it off and come back after you feel better, because you look crazy" I see myself at the mirror and the only thing I notice is I look sleepy? weird...

Well anyway, tomorrow Im going to my first appointment with this therapist Im going to pay for, Im gonna keep trying to contact my psychiatrist, and Im just going to try to live life... I guess... the thing is, for the first time in forever I think I can live, with some help at first and then, fly high... I want to move away, see other places, recently Ive been obsessed with the idea of living in London even tho Ive heard terrible things about it lol of course I still want to go to Japan... I want to live without depending on anyone, have friends, a lover, do stuff, see places, laugh, cry... look at myself in the mirror and think "you are doing great" stop hating myself... but Im really broken, Im tired... lets see how it goes tomorrow, money sure flies away fast fuckk.

Agoraphobia is kicking my ass once again.

 

[Redacted24]

I hope your session went well. I had my first session since a few years just last week too. I'm hopeful that it'll help, once we get to know each other more. But getting to that comfort zone takes time.

 

[Sadgirl121]

If I can offer one word of advice, if the therapist isn't working for you, don't feel bad about shopping around for one that genuinely helps you. Over the years Ive seen 3-4 therapist, and I finally found one that helps me. To the point I usually cut our sessions short because I have been doing so well these last few months. Even after I told him about my plan to kill myself, he didn't report ot, he could tell based off how I spoke I wasn't an immediate danger because of a few reasons.

Find a therapist that will help you, and get the help you deserve