Venting started having thoughts at 13, now im 18 and I think it's time

[1NoOtherWay]

We've all had a hard life in here, and i feel for each one of you. I'm not writing to talk about N or NS, or ask how to end it, i really just need to vent since i've never had a therapist because family has rejected it from my life.

Basically weeks after I was born my mom got cancer, it hasnt left until she passed at 14. My father was never truly there. I'd see him now and then but ykwim. I haven't seen him since i was 14 either, what a piece of shit. I've realized recently that my entire fucking life has been survival mode. I've always been funny but nothing else (until mom passed) its like a distraction for me and everyone else from their fucked up life.Anyway, after the shock phase of her passing, that humor disregarded now i remain as nothing, completely nothing. I used to be reckless and lost all my friends because of it. I've developed terrible social anxiety since I've lost everybody I loved. I am isolation.

Im 18 now and i feel so fucking lost, i dont know how im going to make any connections and get my life together without following societal norms. I'm scared to be an adult. My mental illness is getting in the way and i feel no where close to breaking through. My uncle could kick me to the curb any moment.

(thanks for getting this far last week i vented sort of like this and all she said was at least your hot...)

back to my prompt. I told myself I'd end it when mom passes but i realized i was too young to understand that motive. Now i rely on my cat, my best friend, he keeps me alive everyday and i feel astute to his presence. Hopefully I breakthrough before he dies. I dont know how many times i can say "my depression has never been this bad" before it gets to a point of no return. I dont understand why I dont receive the love I spread, does anyone else feel the same? I dont think its time quite yet I've been able to accept my mental. But the thought erupts my mind 24/7 if anything goes wrong in life, I'll be with my cat in the woods.
Love ya'll thanks to anyone who read. life is not over until it is demanded!

 

[Despondent_Fondant]

Is that your cat in your PFP? It's so cute!!! I am in Canada and go on walks with my dogs in the woods, I know how therapeutic it can be. Im proud of you for making it this far, even though I dont know you and I really mean that. Losing a parent at a young age is unimaginable and im very sorry for your loss. Much love <3 :)

 

[1NoOtherWay]

Is that your cat in your PFP? It's so cute!!! I am in Canada and go on walks with my dogs in the woods, I know how therapeutic it can be. Im proud of you for making it this far, even though I dont know you and I really mean that. Losing a parent at a young age is unimaginable and im very sorry for your loss. Much love <3 :)

Thank you its means alot for you to say that. it sure feels i was meant to have this specific cat too, he's a special kitty haha. I've mostly been suffering over my stunted growth i just dont want my top three options to be death it sure as fuck is scary. but anyway your support means alot i can tell you've got alot of good karma coming to you. stay blessed. love <3

 

[Seaghost]

I am very sorry for you.

You wrote that you just wanted to vent but maybe my sentences could be still helpful for you. If not feel free to ignore it :).

Hmm...what can I tell you with 43...because it often happens that older ones telling younger ones: up with your head - in your age anything can change. But that generally that don't help. It's just one of the be-a-man blabla. And it's pretty easy to say to someone who's younger do this and do that. But that can't work without some sensitive vibes and empathy


So I switch back to my past when I was around your age and will share my cat story :).
First time I wanted to die was when I was 14. That thinking never left me. A lil further back in time I got my cat when I was 11. He lived almost 20 years but sadly died poorly in the arms of my mom. In that time I was living over 800 kilometres away from her, so I couldn't be there.
When I moved out from home I was 23 and he stayed with my mom. Because of the bigger appartment and the money you have to spend when you want your animal have a god life. And I didn't have much money at that time.
That catwas a lil demon but supported me always. He sleeps with me in my bad under the blanket and even on daytime he was often sleeping in my room. Flashing backwards that little animal was always there for me. Thankfully.

Back to the roots:
It's always hard when one of your (hopefully caring...haha) parents died. And with 14 you are mostly in between of everything with your thinking and surviving the puberty. And when the remaining parent part isn't there for you in that hard times you feeling lost. To be clear: you are lost. So thats not a surprise you were getting reckless because you tried to survive. That lovely life ripped out your mom und your dead was ghosting you. For sure you are feeling now lost and are afraid of growing up. Sadly the where no one here to teach you this life further. Not like real parents..
BUT
Now to me clichee words ;).

Because you are so young you can learn to live and find new friends etc. I would lie to you if I would say, hey pretty easy, tomorrow everyting will be ok - no - sadly not - even when I whish you that!
It's always like this, to get your feet in the door is the difficult part BUT when you have the feet in the door you can look through it and find out what's happening behind ;). Maybe you can make a trial training in a sport club. Or if you want Mixed martial arts for example you can have trail training there. Another example more from the classical part would be trying out an book club etc. Or learn an instrument...jamming with other guys for fun ;) etc.

And the question for your soul is are you living an an european country where you can get support from your lokal town. Finding a therapist which should be coverd by health insurance. Mostly there are offers you can use in different way. That sad part here is that mostly there is real advertising for that kind of help. So you have to search by your own. The citizenship office could be helpful here.

And ond thing. Your childood isn't completely gone in your age. Try to live it :). I do it by myself and love beeing a clown for friends. Everyone is getting older but NEVER loose your inner child.
I don't know if you are interested in music especialle in Rock. John Couger Mellencamp has a very cool song called Jack & Diane. And there's a line in it "Hold on as 16 as long as you can...." Do it. Do it with 18. Do it with 30. Do it with 50.


Don't get me wrong. I don't like prolifers but I also don't like when a young soul is lost or isolated because no one is caring and your only way is wanting to step out of this life because the system failed once more.
If you want to go it's your right but I whish you that you can find in this life the spark can make you enjoy beeing here.
Oh and yes there are assholes out there. Lots of it :D.