Start of my journey: had a sibling who died on SS, now I’m here

[tookalongvacation]

I've just made my account today but I've had accounts before. My brother was on this site and committed suicide through methods suggested on here to him. I used to fucking despise this website with my entire heart. This is my introduction to my journey to where I want to be. I've struggled with mental illness since i was around 5. Suicidal thoughts never came about til I was a young teenager. On and off I've been okay, I got my degree, I have had amazing jobs, amazing relationships, amazing friends and I've still been unhappy during those times. I'm now a young adult and I've tried everything to be happy. I've lost most of my friends, jobs, I'm struggling financially, I struggle with an eating disorder, I have trauma that cuts me into pieces every single day and am not in contact with a lot of my family. The only thing stopping me from ctb is my family that I do have and fear. I'd be terrified to do it. I truly can't see any other way out, I've tried many different SSRI's, CBT, counselling, self-care, surrounding myself with positive people etc and nothing works. I know I am doomed. It sounds pathetic and I am still in my early 20s but I know I'm doomed. My family is drowning in mental illness, I can't get over my trauma, my life is currently unbearable (I struggle to even leave the house so I force myself to work but it's hard), my friends are next to none and I just can't do it anymore. I need to talk to people who understand, it doesn't matter if you're younger or older, whatever situation you're in i just want someone to talk to. I can't carry on. For the last short period of my life I need some comfort here.

 

[R. A.]

Sad to welcome you.
Wow, the fact your brother passed after time here and now you've wound up here, after hating the place - that's a unique situation.

Only thing I have to ask is: can you imagine a life you'd want to live? If so, can you imagine the path to it, and what the first step would be? Can you identify fundamental missing things?
Many here find the "conventional" methods to improvement at their core are insufficient. The "mental health" factory (random drugs, shitty therapists, toxic positivity) are not fundamentally designed to help - though in some cases they may - and there may be another way for you.

 

[unluckysadness]

so sorry for you and your brother i hope you'll find the peace you deserve

 

[tookalongvacation]

Sad to welcome you.
Wow, the fact your brother passed after time here and now you've wound up here, after hating the place - that's a unique situation.

Only thing I have to ask is: can you imagine a life you'd want to live? If so, can you imagine the path to it, and what the first step would be? Can you identify fundamental missing things?
Many here find the "conventional" methods to improvement at their core are insufficient. The "mental health" factory (random drugs, shitty therapists, toxic positivity) are not fundamentally designed to help - though in some cases they may - and there may be another way for you.

I appreciate your kind words. It is a unique situation, I understand my brother now more than ever. I send you my love and thoughts, my dms are always open, shoot me a message whenever because right now all I need is non-judgemental presences in my life and I could try be there for you too (non-judgemental too of course).

I can imagine a life I'd want to live. The first step would be stability. Financially, relationship wise, friendship wise, family wise, none of these things are going to happen anytime soon. I agree that mental health 'help' isn't designed for everyone- I've never found it beneficial. Elements in my life are FAR too fractured to repair and even if so it would take years. It's not that I haven't tried, I absolutely have. I don't think I have the strength to wait years. I just want peace. Even a 'good life' comes with its struggles. This is me saying that I have TRIED. So so hard.

so sorry for you and your brother i hope you'll find the peace you deserve

Thank you so much. I hope you do too.