Venting Start CTB process with friend, die after they leave, reasonable?

[feelingokay]

Hi everyone,

So I want to CTB, I've tried in the past more than a few times as a teen (I'm early 20s now) with unsuccess, my main methods included overdosing but on my worst I think I may have died or knocked out for sometime.. there was nothing. Unfortunately I'm just a victim of my biPolar and trauma like everyone else.

Anyways my ex and I broke up (my LTR/BFF of 7yrs), he said we can still be friends but I can't see a life without him.. I just feel so depressed, I've tried to think of all the ideas to have hope and I can't. He said he just doesn't feel it anymore but loves me, it's not in his plans though- This was my last straw more than anything else. I've been depressed since forever for now. No med changes help.

I don't have any friends or family to talk to. I've been so isolated since the pandemic. I only have my dad but I don't want to stress him anymore than he has.

I don't feel motivated to do anything, I can't take any more days off because I have to pay bills still.

My ex/bff will be coming over sometime, I just want to die after he leaves. That sounds awful but maybe I can take my meds before he leaves so I can fade out near him and then die peacefully.. I love him so much and I just want to be in his presence.. I've never felt such bliss with someone and to be honest.. I'm pretty social and tend to be outgoing, I've talked to lots of people but no one like him.. I know it sounds cheesy and stupid.

I think he might think I'm insane if I ask this, he gets worried easily and I think it would be kind of traumatic to know about.

I'll have letters ready and hidden etc.

I was thinking to also make things official, if I'm clear enough, I'll hang myself partial just in case?

I also looked up the medications I'm going to overdose on and their set in time (XXmins until it's active) so hopefully it'll work. My last attempt I was very very close.

Also I've already done years of therapy etc. I just see no good outcome anymore :( he really meant it and I'm tired of this circle and life. Everything feels fake and worthless already. I made a list of things to live for and things not to and the future is too uncertain and I'm scared.

Also I couldn't search bar this either- if someone could point me the direction that'd be great.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand it is painful when things are hopeless. I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best whatever happens.
You need to write a few more posts on the forum to be able to access the search function.

 

[cambrai33]

Hi everyone,

So I want to CTB, I've tried in the past more than a few times as a teen (I'm early 20s now) with unsuccess, my main methods included overdosing but on my worst I think I may have died or knocked out for sometime.. there was nothing. Unfortunately I'm just a victim of my biPolar and trauma like everyone else.

Anyways my ex and I broke up (my LTR/BFF of 7yrs), he said we can still be friends but I can't see a life without him.. I just feel so depressed, I've tried to think of all the ideas to have hope and I can't. He said he just doesn't feel it anymore but loves me, it's not in his plans though- This was my last straw more than anything else. I've been depressed since forever for now. No med changes help.

I don't have any friends or family to talk to. I've been so isolated since the pandemic. I only have my dad but I don't want to stress him anymore than he has.

I don't feel motivated to do anything, I can't take any more days off because I have to pay bills still.

My ex/bff will be coming over sometime, I just want to die after he leaves. That sounds awful but maybe I can take my meds before he leaves so I can fade out near him and then die peacefully.. I love him so much and I just want to be in his presence.. I've never felt such bliss with someone and to be honest.. I'm pretty social and tend to be outgoing, I've talked to lots of people but no one like him.. I know it sounds cheesy and stupid.

I think he might think I'm insane if I ask this, he gets worried easily and I think it would be kind of traumatic to know about.

I'll have letters ready and hidden etc.

I was thinking to also make things official, if I'm clear enough, I'll hang myself partial just in case?

I also looked up the medications I'm going to overdose on and their set in time (XXmins until it's active) so hopefully it'll work. My last attempt I was very very close.

Also I've already done years of therapy etc. I just see no good outcome anymore :( he really meant it and I'm tired of this circle and life. Everything feels fake and worthless already. I made a list of things to live for and things not to and the future is too uncertain and I'm scared.

Also I couldn't search bar this either- if someone could point me the direction that'd be great.

I'm really sorry to say this but please don't involve him in this way, I know you need him to be there with you in your last moments but he didn't agree to this and it will haunt him for the rest of his life and I know that's not the future you want for him.

How did the list of things to live for go?