Venting split up with bf - in advance of CTB

[LittleJem]

So I finished with my boyfriend this week/tonight - because recently we went on a short break to Italy, and it was so beautiful, and yet I was so depressed, and I kept telling him how much I want to die.

I don't want to put anyone I care about through this - and if I do CTB in a month or two or three or six month's time, which is currently looking quite likely, I don't want anyone else close to me. I have told him this, that I am splitting with him because I am winding down towards death.

We did also argue about politics, which annoyed me, but is making it easier to say goodbye.

I really strongly feel that I am making the right decision. That it isn't fair on him to have us close and then for me to die. That I don't know how to be close to him - the depression takes away all my desire and I am becoming celibate. Nothing really helps anymore, nothing distracts me - just a growing and increasing knowing that I want my suffering to end, and putting plans in place like writing my will and saying goodbye to people, and ordering supplies.

I feel strong writing this - and that I need to be strong and just accept this is the best thing for him, and the kindest thing for me to do is to wind down my life. I just wanted to share this, because I am more and more alone, and doing my best to brave it. I will miss him a lot, and yet I want to do the right thing and the kind thing for him. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

 

[Jean4]

So I finished with my boyfriend this week/tonight - because recently we went on a short break to Italy, and it was so beautiful, and yet I was so depressed, and I kept telling him how much I want to die.

I don't want to put anyone I care about through this - and if I do CTB in a month or two or three or six month's time, which is currently looking quite likely, I don't want anyone else close to me. I have told him this, that I am splitting with him because I am winding down towards death.

We did also argue about politics, which annoyed me, but is making it easier to say goodbye.

I really strongly feel that I am making the right decision. That it isn't fair on him to have us close and then for me to die. That I don't know how to be close to him - the depression takes away all my desire and I am becoming celibate. Nothing really helps anymore, nothing distracts me - just a growing and increasing knowing that I want my suffering to end, and putting plans in place like writing my will and saying goodbye to people, and ordering supplies.

I feel strong writing this - and that I need to be strong and just accept this is the best thing for him, and the kindest thing for me to do is to wind down my life. I just wanted to share this, because I am more and more alone, and doing my best to brave it. I will miss him a lot, and yet I want to do the right thing and the kind thing for him. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

You know your boyfriend better then we do. Is he the type who would support your decision or would try to stop you?

I am glad I was there when Stan CTB. Did I try to stop him? Yes. Even though I knew it wouldn't work. I just wanted him to know how much I cared.

If you are set to do it, do what is best for you. No matter what, if your boyfriend cares about you, he will be in pain. Unfortunately, you can't prevent that.

However, does he love you enough that he realizes that your pain is greater than anything he could feel, and he would put your feelings over his own.

I am in more pain right now than I can describe. I would wish this on nobody. However, I realize Stan's pain was greater than mine if that is possible. I am glad he is now at peace.

It also would have killed me if he cut me out. The greatest gift you can give someone you care about is being there for them when they cross over.

Like I said. You know him better than us and what would be best for him.

We support you no matter what you choose.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

So I finished with my boyfriend this week/tonight - because recently we went on a short break to Italy, and it was so beautiful, and yet I was so depressed, and I kept telling him how much I want to die.

I don't want to put anyone I care about through this - and if I do CTB in a month or two or three or six month's time, which is currently looking quite likely, I don't want anyone else close to me. I have told him this, that I am splitting with him because I am winding down towards death.

We did also argue about politics, which annoyed me, but is making it easier to say goodbye.

I really strongly feel that I am making the right decision. That it isn't fair on him to have us close and then for me to die. That I don't know how to be close to him - the depression takes away all my desire and I am becoming celibate. Nothing really helps anymore, nothing distracts me - just a growing and increasing knowing that I want my suffering to end, and putting plans in place like writing my will and saying goodbye to people, and ordering supplies.

I feel strong writing this - and that I need to be strong and just accept this is the best thing for him, and the kindest thing for me to do is to wind down my life. I just wanted to share this, because I am more and more alone, and doing my best to brave it. I will miss him a lot, and yet I want to do the right thing and the kind thing for him. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

I think you did the right thing. I don't know if it will make it easier for him but at least there will some time before you exit.
Perhaps someday he will understand you were trying to prevent more pain by ending the relationship before CTB.
I don't really have any good advice but I wish you peace on your journey.

 

[LittleJem]

I think you did the right thing. I don't know if it will make it easier for him but at least there will some time before you exit.
Perhaps someday he will understand you were trying to prevent more pain by ending the relationship before CTB.
I don't really have any good advice but I wish you peace on your journey.

Thank you - I have told him that. That if I end my life in a few months time, I don't want him implicated or involved. Thank you for your words.

 

[Moonicide]

I agree you did the right thing for you. It wasn't an easy decision, but you did it and I am proud of you.
Just know we are here for you and I hope you are eventually at peace.