Split Into Two

[KafkaF]

I feel split in 2 atm.

Some of the time I want to live, mostly to experience certain things and, most importantly, to finish my novel. My contribution to the world, or at least my attempt.

The rest of the time I just want to die. When I think about her I just need the pain to end. And when I look at my life I see a hollow and hopeless thing.

Not sure how to resolve that.

 

[Downdraft]

My contribution to the world, or at least my attempt.

If you have the energy, I encourage you to write your novel.

You said you want to die "the rest of the time". That implies you don't while writting. Do you think it would give you a purpose or make you feel less empty?

 

[KafkaF]

If you have the energy, I encourage you to write your novel.

You said you want to die "the rest of the time". That implies you don't while writting. Do you think it would give you a purpose or make you feel less empty?

It's basically a race against time.

Sometimes it hurts so much that I feel like I have to end it soon. Whenever that pain becomes severe enough, I'm probably going to end it. When that's going to happen I don't know yet, but I assume eventually.

Then there's also my life in general, especially my financial situation, which is extremely procarious. If that gets bad enough I'm going to have to end it too.

So the question is whether I can finish my novel before either of those things happen. And I'm not sure. I would love to though.

It does give me a certain sense of purpose. So many stories have affected me so deeply in the past. I would love to write a story that does what those stories did for me for someone else. If that could be my gift to the world, I would consider my life to have been worth it. But we'll see.