Spite and resistance as reasons to keep going.

[brittlemoth]

Just speaking for myself here. Only how I feel in this moment right now. In an hour, I could feel a greater urge to die than ever, and may try to go through with it. But right now I have a reason to keep going. It's a damn shit reason, and I wish I lived in a world where I could have a more optimistic reason to live, but here we are.

So many things in this world bruise me, imprison me, domesticate me, violate me, use me, and throw me away. It's every single day and it never ends. It is a vast system of many parts that is impossible to stop on my own. If I continue choosing to live, I will continue to feel its sting of degradation.

Where does this leave me but alone, angry, damaged, and critical? These, however are not flawed feelings. No, instead they can be weapons. Emotions that drive me toward action, toward the destruction of my oppressors. I can turn the pain they inflict on me against them. I can choose to feel it more fully, more critically, and with even less acceptance of the situation than before with the goal that it will inspire me to greater and more passionate acts of resistance.

I will live to make the CEO stare from the top of their compound at the ground far below, contemplating what they've made me want to do for years. I will live to make the fascist afraid to leave their house for as long as they dare open their mouth to spew vile filth. I will live to make the private military contractor shutter at their own mortality despite having a personal army at their command, they too will feel vulnerable. I will live to make the leaders of nations terrified to put out a single executive order.

I won't die, not for as long as I can be a threat to those who seek to strip me of my personhood and turn me into a shell of an individual. I will turn all of the desire I have to obliterate myself toward obliterating the power structure by whatever means necessary.

They can leave me to die, but if I am to still be alive, I will use what is left of me to spit in their eye.

"And may the flame that burns inside us burn everything around us."
—Panayiotis Argyrou

 

[missedmybus]

I like to make lists of people and figure out their addresses and stuff when I get suicidal thoughts/depression.

Right now I'm making files on which people/families profited mostly of our colonial adventures in the Congo.

In videogames of course.

 

[Jadeith]

It's a damn shit reason

Shit? No, not really. A bit maybe. Some stay alive for revenge, some die for same reason. At least your version keeps you breathing.
Only problem with such approach is that it's toxicity might eventually take toll on you, hurting you more than those it was aimed at.

 

[Pluto]

 

[Nervous young man]

Where does this leave me but alone, angry, damaged, and critical? These, however are not flawed feelings. No, instead they can be weapons.

I agree greatly, I wish I wasn't disabled so I could still participate in direct action. Getting involved with helping others and going to protests was one of the funnest parts of my life.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Amen brotha/sista. Preach!

It's not a shit reason at all. Since 13 years old, it's been my biggest motivator. I didn't choose to be born, I have no reason to live, and humans exist merely to breed from an objective/evolutionary standpoint. If I succumb to my demons due to the pain people, systems, corporations, and institutions cause, or the meaninglessness of this world, I'm letting everyone win. I'm becoming the victim. I don't want that. Easier said than done of course. I absolutely relate to what you say about using your pain as liberation and power and to free yourself from victimhood. Beautifully stated. Well said.

You're conditioned to feel like it's a shit reason because humans are terrified of meaninglessness. They fool themselves with the beliefs of free will and purpose as a motivation to keep going. Honestly, I don't even criticize that. We all need a cope to deal with the fact that life is suffering and one day we'll die. The issue I have is these sorts of people think this is the only way.

The amount of people telling me shit like I'm depressing, that's nihilism, and you're worth it and have meaning is astonishing! They mean well, but I think it stems from insecurity and fear/anxiety many have about existence. Instead of facing it like you have, people avoid these things with the idea of objective meaning. Even professionals have given me this shit. I get accusations I'm over-intellectualizing, that life is meaningful, and I've been looked at with two heads for saying rebelling against the absurd is my purpose on safety plans.

Honestly, society just doesn't understand depressed people. I think working with pessimism rather than forcing positivity is much better. In fact, I find what you're saying to be fundamentally uplifting and freeing! It's not negative at all to me so it's interesting you say wish you had a more optimistic reason. Toxic positivity is such a problem and not immune to the mental health field.

Are you familiar with Albert Camus? His seminal text The Myth of Sisyphus is essentially my manifesto. I think it'd resonate with you. Pm if you'd like a link.

 

[brittlemoth]

Shit? No, not really. A bit maybe. Some stay alive for revenge, some die for same reason. At least your version keeps you breathing.
Only problem with such approach is that it's toxicity might eventually take toll on you, hurting you more than those it was aimed at.

Yes that's true.

Amen brotha/sista. Preach!

It's not a shit reason at all. Since 13 years old, it's been my biggest motivator. I didn't choose to be born, I have no reason to live, and humans exist merely to breed from an objective/evolutionary standpoint. If I succumb to my demons due to the pain people, systems, corporations, and institutions cause, or the meaninglessness of this world, I'm letting everyone win. I'm becoming the victim. I don't want that. Easier said than done of course. I absolutely relate to what you say about using your pain as liberation and power and to free yourself from victimhood. Beautifully stated. Well said.

You're conditioned to feel like it's a shit reason because humans are terrified of meaninglessness. They fool themselves with the beliefs of free will and purpose as a motivation to keep going. Honestly, I don't even criticize that. We all need a cope to deal with the fact that life is suffering and one day we'll die. The issue I have is these sorts of people think this is the only way.

The amount of people telling me shit like I'm depressing, that's nihilism, and you're worth it and have meaning is astonishing! They mean well, but I think it stems from insecurity and fear/anxiety many have about existence. Instead of facing it like you have, people avoid these things with the idea of objective meaning. Even professionals have given me this shit. I get accusations I'm over-intellectualizing, that life is meaningful, and I've been looked at with two heads for saying rebelling against the absurd is my purpose on safety plans.

Honestly, society just doesn't understand depressed people. I think working with pessimism rather than forcing positivity is much better. In fact, I find what you're saying to be fundamentally uplifting and freeing! It's not negative at all to me so it's interesting you say wish you had a more optimistic reason. Toxic positivity is such a problem and not immune to the mental health field.

Are you familiar with Albert Camus? His seminal text The Myth of Sisyphus is essentially my manifesto. I think it'd resonate with you. Pm if you'd like a link.

I appreciate your words very much. It's nice to hear your perspective as it seems we have similar understandings! Camus in general is great, The Plague remains one of my all time favorite novels (talk about resilience in pessimistic circumstances!) and I read it at the peak of COVID lockdown of course! I started The Myth of Sisyphus in high school. I enjoyed the beginning but never finished it. I have a new desire to revisit it again as an adult per your suggestion :) Camus' The Rebel also seems relevant to these ideas as well, I'll have to get around to both someday soon. Thanks so much!

 

[Cloud Busting]

I appreciate your words very much. It's nice to hear your perspective as it seems we have similar understandings! Camus in general is great, The Plague remains one of my all time favorite novels (talk about resilience in pessimistic circumstances!) and I read it at the peak of COVID lockdown of course! I started The Myth of Sisyphus in high school. I enjoyed the beginning but never finished it. I have a new desire to revisit it again as an adult per your suggestion :) Camus' The Rebel also seems relevant to these ideas as well, I'll have to get around to both someday soon. Thanks so much!

I love what you wrote too. So eloquently stated. It's so easy to feel alone with these beliefs, but we're not! I think it just takes a lot of awareness to realize just how insignificant we are as humans. Most can't handle that, so when it drives a depressive to suicide, "life is worth living and objectively meaningful!" are standard slogans. It doesn't do most depressed people any favors. Meaning, value, or sanctity doesn't have to make life worthwhile. I'm a spiteful shit, so I'm putting it to good use.

The Myth of Sisyphus is all I've read, and some excerpts of The Stranger. I plan to read all his novels eventually. I also want to read Schopenhauer. From the quotes and summaries I'm aware of, he supported suicide as a choice but believed it doesn't solve the problem of the will. If I'm understanding correctly, I could get behind that.

I wish I could afford existential therapy. I'm on Medicaid so unfortunately, shitty cbt is all I get.

 

[manicstreetbeeper]

this resonates with me quite a bit and is a beautiful sentiment. i like the quote that you provided at the end as well. i copied and pasted it to my phone (the quote).

when i feel like things have been taken from me, i do what the people who had beaten down on me and wanted to hurt my self worth wouldn't want me to believe i can. not only do i keep living, but i push myself even harder to achieve what i really want. one of my childhood abusers is dead, and the other has lost his only child permanently. i consider myself lucky only because i'm smart enough to realize that me being in pain doesn't mean i have to inflict it on others as well, and that i didn't let any of their words, actions, or fear tactics leave me on the dirt.