burden
New Member
- Oct 4, 2023
- 3
Just a vent post simply because I don't have people to talk to. Well, there are people in my life but they simply don't give a ****.
I'm one of those people with a fair amount of online "friends."
Good enough to cure boredom, but not enough for the hollow feeling of loneliness. I had friends in real life last year, but lost them immediately after moving, two hours away from my hometown, and losing my source of income. My money seemed to be the only thing that kept my "friends" close to me. I'd buy them takeouts, groceries, alcohol and random treats, just because I liked seeing people happy and some of them seemed to be genuinely struggling. I didn't even care that some of them were online "friends" whom I've never met in person. Hell, most of the time I didn't even look at prices, I just saw what they might enjoy or make them happy and ordered it without thinking twice.
Within a week of moving I lost my job, my boyfriend of four years and every friend I thought I could trust.
As a person with Borderline Personality Disorders and the abandonment issues that comes along with it - it felt excruciatingly painful mentally and emotionally.
I thought I might also add that aside from the BPD, I was also diagnosed with Major Depression, Anxiety and Bipolar type 2. I also hold a decent amount of childhood trauma (mental, emotional, physical and sexual abuse). Over the past few months I've also been developing health issues (I'm secretly hoping that it's something like cancer that I can leave untreated and eventually die a "reasonable" death). I was concerned at first, but spoke to my father for help. I felt bad because he's a pensioner and supports myself, my mother and my nephew. He said there's no money which I understood and respected, I felt terrible for asking in the first place though.
A few weeks ago I was looking for the WiFi password and came across his bank statements (they were just sitting on his desk and curiosity got the best of me). Turns out that he's fairly wealthy, without even considering his pension fund.
He's been spending his money frivolously lately and trying to keep it a secret in his "man cave"- as he would call it.
My father was the only person in my family that I trusted to lie to me and here he is, denying me medical attention. My world feels twisted.
Suicidal thoughts have been eating away at me lately. I also started purging and self harming again. My mother is acting up, worse than ever (there's no denying that she has narcissistic traits by the way). My nephew verbally (and sometimes physically) abuses me, which almost always triggers panic attacks due to the childhood trauma, and there's nothing I can that works because he doesn't respect me and he's under my mother's protection. She undeniably hates me and I've recently just accepted that I'll never have a decent bond with her.
That's my current situation, or at least the basics.
I asked to borrow money from my father for cannabis products because it's literally the only thing that helps me mentally, emotionally and physically- I struggle with executive dysfunction by the way. He ignored me entirely despite opening up about the suicidal ideation and him noticing my SH.
The entire topic of finances and work just depresses and frustrates me. I'm a white person from South Africa so for those who aren't aware, B-BBEE affects me greatly (Search it if you you're interested in learning more but basically white people are the least considered when it comes to employment, regardless if they're more qualified than any other race). The only reason I even got the previous job I had was because of a connection I had.
I have some skills and talents but never been able to profit from any of it.
Point is: I feel worthless and hopeless. I don't see anything getting better from here.
I feel I'm destined to rot away in this toxic house.
I'm one of those people with a fair amount of online "friends."
Good enough to cure boredom, but not enough for the hollow feeling of loneliness. I had friends in real life last year, but lost them immediately after moving, two hours away from my hometown, and losing my source of income. My money seemed to be the only thing that kept my "friends" close to me. I'd buy them takeouts, groceries, alcohol and random treats, just because I liked seeing people happy and some of them seemed to be genuinely struggling. I didn't even care that some of them were online "friends" whom I've never met in person. Hell, most of the time I didn't even look at prices, I just saw what they might enjoy or make them happy and ordered it without thinking twice.
Within a week of moving I lost my job, my boyfriend of four years and every friend I thought I could trust.
As a person with Borderline Personality Disorders and the abandonment issues that comes along with it - it felt excruciatingly painful mentally and emotionally.
I thought I might also add that aside from the BPD, I was also diagnosed with Major Depression, Anxiety and Bipolar type 2. I also hold a decent amount of childhood trauma (mental, emotional, physical and sexual abuse). Over the past few months I've also been developing health issues (I'm secretly hoping that it's something like cancer that I can leave untreated and eventually die a "reasonable" death). I was concerned at first, but spoke to my father for help. I felt bad because he's a pensioner and supports myself, my mother and my nephew. He said there's no money which I understood and respected, I felt terrible for asking in the first place though.
A few weeks ago I was looking for the WiFi password and came across his bank statements (they were just sitting on his desk and curiosity got the best of me). Turns out that he's fairly wealthy, without even considering his pension fund.
He's been spending his money frivolously lately and trying to keep it a secret in his "man cave"- as he would call it.
My father was the only person in my family that I trusted to lie to me and here he is, denying me medical attention. My world feels twisted.
Suicidal thoughts have been eating away at me lately. I also started purging and self harming again. My mother is acting up, worse than ever (there's no denying that she has narcissistic traits by the way). My nephew verbally (and sometimes physically) abuses me, which almost always triggers panic attacks due to the childhood trauma, and there's nothing I can that works because he doesn't respect me and he's under my mother's protection. She undeniably hates me and I've recently just accepted that I'll never have a decent bond with her.
That's my current situation, or at least the basics.
I asked to borrow money from my father for cannabis products because it's literally the only thing that helps me mentally, emotionally and physically- I struggle with executive dysfunction by the way. He ignored me entirely despite opening up about the suicidal ideation and him noticing my SH.
The entire topic of finances and work just depresses and frustrates me. I'm a white person from South Africa so for those who aren't aware, B-BBEE affects me greatly (Search it if you you're interested in learning more but basically white people are the least considered when it comes to employment, regardless if they're more qualified than any other race). The only reason I even got the previous job I had was because of a connection I had.
I have some skills and talents but never been able to profit from any of it.
Point is: I feel worthless and hopeless. I don't see anything getting better from here.
I feel I'm destined to rot away in this toxic house.
