starrvingstar
suicidal anorexic
- Apr 9, 2023
- 141
the suffocating weight of self-doubt and the sting of feeling useless to those around me has been tangled in my every thought. in a web of friends, i doubt the worth of my presence in their lives. i wonder what i offer that sets me apart from the multitude of others who seamlessly intertwine with their every moment, that is if i mean anything to them at all.
no matter what i do for others or how hard i try, my efforts go unnoticed, or i fail trying. the dedication i once believed to be my strength now feels like an exercise in futility. after all the hours i spend with friends trying to comfort them, instead of being an anchor, i am merely a bystander, helpless to offer any true solace and so tired of trying when they are unable to listen to my advice or even offer me the same support. they find comfort in the arms of those who can offer them more bullshit, but less meaning. my impact, if it can even be called that, is diminished, barely a thread in the grand tapestry of friendships. my efforts seem in vain as if the depth of my understanding will always be shallow and inadequate. my attempts to unravel the complexities of their souls are met with indifference, and my attempts to be their confidant are met with silence. i feel as though i am an afterthought, incapable of transforming lives or igniting passion.
the more i invest my time with friends, observing how their personality morphs in the presence of others, the deeper my curiosity delves into the true essence of their being. i find myself questioning who they truly are and, in the process, growing to despise who lies under the mask they wear. why does everyone around me seem so superficial, constantly altering themselves and sabotaging others. why must i repeatedly uncover hidden facets of their character, feeling deceived time and time again. if only they had been genuine from the start, perhaps we wouldn't find ourselves in this disillusioned state. if only they had reciprocated my vulnerability rather than keeping their true selves hidden.
my authenticity, once regarded as a virtue, now feels like a dangerous liability. in my attempts to foster connection, i am perceived as a weakness, an open invitation for others to exploit or dismiss me. after involving myself in gossip, i can't help but wonder what they turn around and say behind my back when its my turn to be the one to make a regrettable decision or falter as the villain in their narrative.
i question if i will ever truly be seen, if i will ever find the connection and closeness that i think i crave through the webs of my possessiveness. in the grand tapestry of their lives, i am a faded thread, and so are they in mine, lost among the vibrant hues of more captivating souls, destined to fade into the background, forever overlooked and to be forgotten.
life's dullness drains me and bores me. as connections seem to be expected to crumble, just a matter of when, like a game of jenga. i lust for genuine connection, a chance to truly know each other. i want to break through the monotony and explore the depths of our shared sadness, finding solace in each other's company.
no matter what i do for others or how hard i try, my efforts go unnoticed, or i fail trying. the dedication i once believed to be my strength now feels like an exercise in futility. after all the hours i spend with friends trying to comfort them, instead of being an anchor, i am merely a bystander, helpless to offer any true solace and so tired of trying when they are unable to listen to my advice or even offer me the same support. they find comfort in the arms of those who can offer them more bullshit, but less meaning. my impact, if it can even be called that, is diminished, barely a thread in the grand tapestry of friendships. my efforts seem in vain as if the depth of my understanding will always be shallow and inadequate. my attempts to unravel the complexities of their souls are met with indifference, and my attempts to be their confidant are met with silence. i feel as though i am an afterthought, incapable of transforming lives or igniting passion.
the more i invest my time with friends, observing how their personality morphs in the presence of others, the deeper my curiosity delves into the true essence of their being. i find myself questioning who they truly are and, in the process, growing to despise who lies under the mask they wear. why does everyone around me seem so superficial, constantly altering themselves and sabotaging others. why must i repeatedly uncover hidden facets of their character, feeling deceived time and time again. if only they had been genuine from the start, perhaps we wouldn't find ourselves in this disillusioned state. if only they had reciprocated my vulnerability rather than keeping their true selves hidden.
my authenticity, once regarded as a virtue, now feels like a dangerous liability. in my attempts to foster connection, i am perceived as a weakness, an open invitation for others to exploit or dismiss me. after involving myself in gossip, i can't help but wonder what they turn around and say behind my back when its my turn to be the one to make a regrettable decision or falter as the villain in their narrative.
i question if i will ever truly be seen, if i will ever find the connection and closeness that i think i crave through the webs of my possessiveness. in the grand tapestry of their lives, i am a faded thread, and so are they in mine, lost among the vibrant hues of more captivating souls, destined to fade into the background, forever overlooked and to be forgotten.
life's dullness drains me and bores me. as connections seem to be expected to crumble, just a matter of when, like a game of jenga. i lust for genuine connection, a chance to truly know each other. i want to break through the monotony and explore the depths of our shared sadness, finding solace in each other's company.
