I had an interesting day yesterday, so I figured it wouldn't be a bad idea to share it on here with you all. It may help you, it may not.
In order to reduce the burden on my family when I CTB, I figured the best thing I could do for them is to make sure that all my funeral arrangements, well as many as possible while I'm still alive, are taken care of. I got in contact with a funeral director a few towns away from where I live and told them I didn't have very long left to live and that I wanted to make sure my funeral was taken care of prior to my death. I thought, at first, they'd question me further on the particulars of what disease I had (why wouldn't they assume it was a disease), at which point I knew my story would fall apart. They didn't. Instead I was invited to come to the parlour as these things are better done face-to-face. I agreed.
So yesterday I went to the funeral parlour. To say it felt bizarre was an understatement. I was greeted by a lovely woman who lead me in to a small office. She started by offering condolences on my situation, but still didn't press me on it, except only to ask if I'd been given a timescale. I told her weeks, maybe a couple of months. Still she didn't press me further.
She started by asking me what I would prefer; burial or cremation. I was always going to be cremated, as burial would inflate the cost unnecessarily as I wasn't particularly bothered about what happened to my body after I pass. She took me through the various plans they had to offer. We spent the best part of an hour discussing these options. After that she lead me through to a dark room in the back, to my shock (I wasn't expecting it tbh) I found myself surrounded by coffins. She took me round each of them, the ones available within my selected plan anyway, explaining the merits of each of them. I picked a fairly standard light brown pine one. In my head I was praying she wouldn't ask me to jump in and "try it out for size", I'm sure I'd have fainted if she did. She didn't, thankfully.
At this point the owner of the parlour came in, the lady explained the situation I told her to him, he offered his condolences and then asked me to come through to his office. I kinda half-thought I'd been rumbled. He asked me to take a seat and then asked me if I had any fears/concerns about the process of what happens to my body from when I pass, to the funeral. The question took me aback slightly. I didn't really know how to answer it. After a fairly lengthy pause the gentleman asked me if I would like him to explain it. I was hesitant but I said yes, and I'm so glad I did because this was actually the part which has brought me the most ease about my decision to end my life.
He explained everything from when they'd collect my body (not a date just a timescale from the time of death), to the preparations they'd make to my body for the service and the cremation. He talked about the respect they'd show —the care, as he put it— to my body. He even talked a little bit about the cremation process and the small service they'd have when interring my ashes, should my family not wish to make their own plans. I won't lie, in some respects, it felt a little macabre, but overall I felt such a sense of calm, for the first time in a long time, come over me. I realised this may actually have been the best thing I could do to prepare myself for death, to truly come to terms with it. I did feel bad about the fact I lied to them about the circumstances that lead me to their parlour, but I hope they'll understand why I did that when my time comes.
After that, all that was left was to agree on a payment plan and leave.
I share this with you because I feel there was a benefit, for me, to taking this action. You may think what I did was right, or wrong, or stupid or just plain weird but for me it made total sense. I now know exactly what will happen to my body when I die (one of the last big pieces of the puzzle for me) and it has genuinely given me a sense of relief. I am also content in knowing I am not leaving all of this to burden my family at a time when they will be rocked with grief and sadness. I hope it brings them some small comfort that despite causing them the pain, I have at least tried to make it just a little bit easier for them.
I would say to all of you who are, like me, definitely intent on CTB, then this may be something you'd consider doing to help your families and yourselves. It'll feel strange being there, discussing your own funeral plans but I think you would realise the benefit of having done it in the long run.
In order to reduce the burden on my family when I CTB, I figured the best thing I could do for them is to make sure that all my funeral arrangements, well as many as possible while I'm still alive, are taken care of. I got in contact with a funeral director a few towns away from where I live and told them I didn't have very long left to live and that I wanted to make sure my funeral was taken care of prior to my death. I thought, at first, they'd question me further on the particulars of what disease I had (why wouldn't they assume it was a disease), at which point I knew my story would fall apart. They didn't. Instead I was invited to come to the parlour as these things are better done face-to-face. I agreed.
So yesterday I went to the funeral parlour. To say it felt bizarre was an understatement. I was greeted by a lovely woman who lead me in to a small office. She started by offering condolences on my situation, but still didn't press me on it, except only to ask if I'd been given a timescale. I told her weeks, maybe a couple of months. Still she didn't press me further.
She started by asking me what I would prefer; burial or cremation. I was always going to be cremated, as burial would inflate the cost unnecessarily as I wasn't particularly bothered about what happened to my body after I pass. She took me through the various plans they had to offer. We spent the best part of an hour discussing these options. After that she lead me through to a dark room in the back, to my shock (I wasn't expecting it tbh) I found myself surrounded by coffins. She took me round each of them, the ones available within my selected plan anyway, explaining the merits of each of them. I picked a fairly standard light brown pine one. In my head I was praying she wouldn't ask me to jump in and "try it out for size", I'm sure I'd have fainted if she did. She didn't, thankfully.
At this point the owner of the parlour came in, the lady explained the situation I told her to him, he offered his condolences and then asked me to come through to his office. I kinda half-thought I'd been rumbled. He asked me to take a seat and then asked me if I had any fears/concerns about the process of what happens to my body from when I pass, to the funeral. The question took me aback slightly. I didn't really know how to answer it. After a fairly lengthy pause the gentleman asked me if I would like him to explain it. I was hesitant but I said yes, and I'm so glad I did because this was actually the part which has brought me the most ease about my decision to end my life.
He explained everything from when they'd collect my body (not a date just a timescale from the time of death), to the preparations they'd make to my body for the service and the cremation. He talked about the respect they'd show —the care, as he put it— to my body. He even talked a little bit about the cremation process and the small service they'd have when interring my ashes, should my family not wish to make their own plans. I won't lie, in some respects, it felt a little macabre, but overall I felt such a sense of calm, for the first time in a long time, come over me. I realised this may actually have been the best thing I could do to prepare myself for death, to truly come to terms with it. I did feel bad about the fact I lied to them about the circumstances that lead me to their parlour, but I hope they'll understand why I did that when my time comes.
After that, all that was left was to agree on a payment plan and leave.
I share this with you because I feel there was a benefit, for me, to taking this action. You may think what I did was right, or wrong, or stupid or just plain weird but for me it made total sense. I now know exactly what will happen to my body when I die (one of the last big pieces of the puzzle for me) and it has genuinely given me a sense of relief. I am also content in knowing I am not leaving all of this to burden my family at a time when they will be rocked with grief and sadness. I hope it brings them some small comfort that despite causing them the pain, I have at least tried to make it just a little bit easier for them.
I would say to all of you who are, like me, definitely intent on CTB, then this may be something you'd consider doing to help your families and yourselves. It'll feel strange being there, discussing your own funeral plans but I think you would realise the benefit of having done it in the long run.
