Venting "soy un perdedor, i'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?"

[d3j3ct3dl0s3r05]

I fucking love this song (Loser by Beck) but yeah this particular lyric just summarises what I feel like right now. A straight fucking loser. I don't foresee good things in my future honestly. I quit my job recently and need a new one but I'm not even sure if I can get one. Every job ever seems to require a "bubbly" or "friendly" personality or something. Problem is, I'm not a people person, My voice is pretty flat and robotic sounding. I struggle with making eye contact. I miss social cues and suck at inferring information that isn't directly expressed to me. My default facial expression is basically |: which sometimes gets misconstrued as me being upset or something when really it's because I don't really make any facial expressions unless I'm feeling a really strong emotion. All of the above made it difficult for me to enjoy my last job and I'm worried I'll never be able to get another job ever. I've had to delay finishing high school by two years due to a severe mental health spiral and I find it difficult to accept this considering not too long ago, I was heavily involved in school activities and extracurriculars and on track to attend university. I still had many struggles then and always have but things have just gotten progressively worse over the years. I joined my first proper friend group this year but sometimes I feel like an outsider. I'm not sure if this outsider feeling will ever dissipate and I mean this in regards to all aspects of my life. Everyone around me has goals ranging from bartending to architecture to economics but in my future I only see myself becoming a NEET or drug addict/alcoholic. I believe that I would be better off CTB'ing. I don't feel like I was ever supposed to exist and I would do almost anything to reverse my birth. Because I didn't get much of a childhood/adolescence, I find myself desperate to salvage what's left of my late teens through acting reckless and trying to emulate "teenage stupidity" but it just makes me feel like even more of a loser since everyone's just starting to move on with life. I'm still in this pathetic tryhard phase and I don't believe that this feeling will ever go away. It's just hard when you've spent most of your schooling career barely visible and constantly feeling like a "new kid" despite being there from the very start.


I can't wait to kill myself in a hotel room later this year.

 

[dialogos]

There's nothing wrong with you (of course nobody is perfect), its the world we live in that's wrong. The thing is the world is so big, that you could probably, in time, get to a corner of the world and make it your own. Hope you can make it and truly live the life you want

 

[Cloud Busting]

Have you considering working in the back instead of facing customers? You don't have to be bubbly to unload boxes and stock shelves.

 

[d3j3ct3dl0s3r05]

Have you considering working in the back instead of facing customers? You don't have to be bubbly to unload boxes and stock shelves.

I've tried searching for non-customer facing roles but a lot of them seem to weirdly require a car (where I live, it takes a year to get a partial licence and even longer to get a full licence) or the ability to lift 16kg or more (I am physically weak) and a lot of these roles seem to be inconvenient to get to (excessively long and convoluted route). Might try searching harder in the meantime though. I can't use my last job as a reference since I walked out

 

[Cloud Busting]

I've tried searching for non-customer facing roles but a lot of them seem to weirdly require a car (where I live, it takes a year to get a partial licence and even longer to get a full licence) or the ability to lift 16kg or more (I am physically weak) and a lot of these roles seem to be inconvenient to get to (excessively long and convoluted route). Might try searching harder in the meantime though. I can't use my last job as a reference since I walked out

Do you have a job service agency in your area? They're usually free and could aid you in finding a fit you qualify for.

 

[d3j3ct3dl0s3r05]

Do you have a job service agency in your area? They're usually free and could aid you in finding a fit you qualify for.

Oh there are numerous however it's between standard job agencies (which mostly only offer full-time positions however I'm in the middle of trying to obtain my senior qualification so not practical) and disability job agencies which would probably suit my circumstances more however all of the ones I've come across only seem to support people who aren't studying full-time. I wish I could just get a normal casual job like everyone else but I'm not like everyone else and it just sucks.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Oh there are numerous however it's between standard job agencies (which mostly only offer full-time positions however I'm in the middle of trying to obtain my senior qualification so not practical) and disability job agencies which would probably suit my circumstances more however all of the ones I've come across only seem to support people who aren't studying full-time. I wish I could just get a normal casual job like everyone else but I'm not like everyone else and it just sucks.

I'm sorry to hear resources in your area aren't suiting your needs.

It's possible you could qualify for a job coach. My sister has an asd and that's how she got a suitable job.

You could also maybe ask counselors in your school for help.

 

[spinningmyself]

I fucking love this song (Loser by Beck) but yeah this particular lyric just summarises what I feel like right now. A straight fucking loser. I don't foresee good things in my future honestly. I quit my job recently and need a new one but I'm not even sure if I can get one. Every job ever seems to require a "bubbly" or "friendly" personality or something. Problem is, I'm not a people person, My voice is pretty flat and robotic sounding. I struggle with making eye contact. I miss social cues and suck at inferring information that isn't directly expressed to me. My default facial expression is basically |: which sometimes gets misconstrued as me being upset or something when really it's because I don't really make any facial expressions unless I'm feeling a really strong emotion. All of the above made it difficult for me to enjoy my last job and I'm worried I'll never be able to get another job ever. I've had to delay finishing high school by two years due to a severe mental health spiral and I find it difficult to accept this considering not too long ago, I was heavily involved in school activities and extracurriculars and on track to attend university. I still had many struggles then and always have but things have just gotten progressively worse over the years. I joined my first proper friend group this year but sometimes I feel like an outsider. I'm not sure if this outsider feeling will ever dissipate and I mean this in regards to all aspects of my life. Everyone around me has goals ranging from bartending to architecture to economics but in my future I only see myself becoming a NEET or drug addict/alcoholic. I believe that I would be better off CTB'ing. I don't feel like I was ever supposed to exist and I would do almost anything to reverse my birth. Because I didn't get much of a childhood/adolescence, I find myself desperate to salvage what's left of my late teens through acting reckless and trying to emulate "teenage stupidity" but it just makes me feel like even more of a loser since everyone's just starting to move on with life. I'm still in this pathetic tryhard phase and I don't believe that this feeling will ever go away. It's just hard when you've spent most of your schooling career barely visible and constantly feeling like a "new kid" despite being there from the very start.


I can't wait to kill myself in a hotel room later this year.

I go around singing that song all the time, especially that one verse. I understand how you feel and have so many of the same issues. I have been looking for a job washing dishes so I don't have to be around any kind of people that I would have to interact with. I had an interview last week and before I went my daughter texted me and said make sure you look nice, as in not mean! I have one of those faces that just looks mean if I don't have any expression on so yeah I guess I go around looking mad/sad. I didn't get the job and that really sucked so I am going to look for another one. I hope you can find something that fits you it is not easy I know, especially with no experience. I hope someone gives you a chance. Sorry if I seem to be rambling on.