Venting Sorry, I need to get this out

[squareminus1]

It's partially a vent partially a question for whoever reads this. I have been around here gor maybe 2 or 3 months now and I have not mansged to build up the courage to kill myself. I know with every single fibre of my being that I deserve to die, that I need to die to stop people getting hurt, that I need to die so that someone better can replace me in every instance I have been involved in. I need to work up the courage to kill myself, it's of paramount importance as it effects the saftey of people unfortunate enough to be around me. Can anyone help, how do you build up the courage, I know it's against ss rules to encourage someone, but I just need to know how to build the courage needed to do it. My therapist described suicide as a courages act the other day... i had never really thought of it like that until she mentioned it. It brought me into a place where I now see what is truely needed to end ones life, it may be brought on by misery or pain, but it is arrived at with only courage. How does one build up that courage? Sorry if I misspelled anything, please forgive my rambling, thank you for letting me vent.

 

[FlowingVali]

So you want to die, but can't build up the courage to do so? Uhhh I don't know what to say. Sorry if this doesn't help, but this is my take. Prepare the ctb resources. Try thinking of everything bad that has ever happened to you, one by one. Slowly your mood should deteriorate, and you'll feel very impulsive.

 

[inmyhead]

If you want to die but don't have the 'courage' to CTB. Maybe you don't really want to die? I don't know, there is a lot of Survival Instinct (SI) that kicks in when you're feeling suicidal. It's the bodies natural way to preserve itself. But when the pain is bad enough then it overrules that.

Sorry that's probably a really rubbish explanation.

 

[squareminus1]

So you want to die, but can't build up the courage to do so? Uhhh I don't know what to say. Sorry if this doesn't help, but this is my take. Prepare the ctb resources. Try thinking of everything bad that has ever happened to you, one by one. Slowly your mood should deteriorate, and you'll feel very impulsive.

Please don't be sorry, it's my fault for imparting my strange situation on the forum lol. Your advice is very helpful, I think alcohol should help with this too, in general it makes me more impulsive, with less inhabitions. I am struggling to get SN right now, but I can try to prepare my back up method. It was going to be partial hanging, but I think there is just no appropriate support in my house, I have a rickity ass old cupboard so that wont work, i have seen people talking about doing it on thier doors but I genuinely do not understand how that works, maybe I just need to test it more. I'll maybe buy stuff for full suspension, like an actual hardware store rope instead of testing a neck tie like I have been. Thanks for your advice.

 

[SolomonKado]

I've been keeping a sort of journal on my profile of all my bad and good times I've ever had in my life. With 43 years there is a lot…. It's helped me to realize the proof that my life is getting worse with time and showing me I'm going to see more of it. For me it's not so much courage as my problem is my SI has been well trained from the military and all the pain I've tried to survive from. I am trying to prove to myself this really is it for me…also this place is the one place you can openly talk like this. A place to be accepted.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I'm having a hard time envisioning a therapist describing suicide as a "courageous" act. It just doesn't sound like normal therapist words. IDK.

 

[squareminus1]

If you want to die but don't have the 'courage' to CTB. Maybe you don't really want to die? I don't know, there is a lot of Survival Instinct (SI) that kicks in when you're feeling suicidal. It's the bodies natural way to preserve itself. But when the pain is bad enough then it overrules that.

Sorry that's probably a really rubbish explanation.

Yea I'm maybe misinterpreting a bunch of things, thoughts are hard and messy. What is objectively true is that I am dangerous, I have been told on at least like 5 occasions, I know that sounds so fucking silly like "oh man 5 occasions what a terrible thing" but like that's like people who deserve to live a better life than one with me in it. Why should I deserve to live happily any more than those people. If I die I can't hurt them, it's that simple. I don't know if that is a dumb reason to be on here. I also have an extremely deep hatred of myself that influences my emotions and often actions in many curcumstances so like it's not just that reason I need/want to die. I know I'd be better off dead but cannot work up that courage. Frankly if I was never born it would be the simplest outcome but I already fucked that up (that's kind of a joke I obviously never asked to be here). Anyways sorry for rambling, and thank you for your advice, it's much appreciated.

I'm having a hard time envisioning a therapist describing suicide as a "courageous" act. It just doesn't sound like normal therapist words. IDK.

I thought that too! It literally shook me. I have had a few therapists but like none that have legitametely made me pause and think wtf. It was over a phone call, sort of an emergency one, I had emailed my universities wellbeing center and told them about my dofficulties and she phoned me like as soon as they read the email. The last part of my phone call was them like doing the whole thing where you "confirm your saftey" and they basically just ask you if your planning pn acting on your suicidal idealation and I said "I think I deffinetly want to die but it seems like a scary thing to do, I do not think I can do it" or something along the lines of that, but the exact words she replied with was "when people commit suicide it is really quite a courages thing". It's true though isn't it, I mean it's a bold take but she isn't wrong in my opinion. Someone who has dedicated thier life to mental illness and is 1010294629x smarter than I will ever be said that, there is deffinetly a hint of truth there. Thanks for replying, sorry for responding so stupidly.

I'm having a hard time envisioning a therapist describing suicide as a "courageous" act. It just doesn't sound like normal therapist words. IDK.

I thought that too! It literally shook me. I have had a few therapists but like none that have legitametely made me pause and think wtf. It was over a phone call, sort of an emergency one, I had emailed my universities wellbeing center and told them about my dofficulties and she phoned me like as soon as they read the email. The last part of my phone call was them like doing the whole thing where you "confirm your saftey" and they basically just ask you if your planning pn acting on your suicidal idealation and I said "I think I deffinetly want to die but it seems like a scary thing to do, I do not think I can do it" or something along the lines of that, but the exact words she replied with was "when people commit suicide it is really quite a courages thing". It's true though isn't it, I mean it's a bold take but she isn't wrong in my opinion. Someone who has dedicated thier life to mental illness and is 1010294629x smarter than I will ever be said that, there is deffinetly a hint of truth there. Thanks for replying, sorry for responding so stupidly.
EDIT: i have since been in inperson meetings with the same therapist and like I haven't mentioned it and she hasn't said that take again. So she maybe said it as an impulse based on what I dumped on her. I am not sure.

I've been keeping a sort of journal on my profile of all my bad and good times I've ever had in my life. With 43 years there is a lot…. It's helped me to realize the proof that my life is getting worse with time and showing me I'm going to see more of it. For me it's not so much courage as my problem is my SI has been well trained from the military and all the pain I've tried to survive from. I am trying to prove to myself this really is it for me…also this place is the one place you can openly talk like this. A place to be accepted.

Thank you for replying, that last point made me feel more confortable.

I can't say I am an expert in overcoming SI, I have only tested in limited amount (and in relatively stupid ways) with partially hanging. I don't have much advice to give you but I wish you luck however you choose to continue. From the short message you gave I can tell you are truely kind, and you deserve peace in whatever form that is for you.

 

[chuerdhmproton]

It's partially a vent partially a question for whoever reads this. I have been around here gor maybe 2 or 3 months now and I have not mansged to build up the courage to kill myself. I know with every single fibre of my being that I deserve to die, that I need to die to stop people getting hurt, that I need to die so that someone better can replace me in every instance I have been involved in. I need to work up the courage to kill myself, it's of paramount importance as it effects the saftey of people unfortunate enough to be around me. Can anyone help, how do you build up the courage, I know it's against ss rules to encourage someone, but I just need to know how to build the courage needed to do it. My therapist described suicide as a courages act the other day... i had never really thought of it like that until she mentioned it. It brought me into a place where I now see what is truely needed to end ones life, it may be brought on by misery or pain, but it is arrived at with only courage. How does one build up that courage? Sorry if I misspelled anything, please forgive my rambling, thank you for letting me vent.

I can only speak from my own experiences and opinions, so take it with a grain of salt.
I think hope plays a big factor in the likelihood of actually committing to CTB, everytime I was close to CTB, what stopped me was a sliver of hope (even false hope), that somehow I can still turn my life around.
So I think to get to the point of actually being able to do it, you'd have to somehow eliminate all of the hope still lingering in you.

 

[snowcloud9]

Well, what method are you thinking of? Some have way greater difficulty than others. When I first wanted to attempt, I wanted to try jumping off a height, but the survival instinct for that is way greater than say, drinking a painless poison. Maybe it's just your methodology that's wrong.

Also yeah you should get a new therapist.

 

[FuneralCry]

I imagine that many people manage to go through with ctb as they have access to a method that they feel confident in and they just get so determined to leave or know it's the right time.

Unfortunately there is just no easy answer to the question, suicide really just isn't straightforward after all especially because as humans we are programmed to survive and we exist in this anti-suicide society where straightforward, painless method options get restricted. I really wish that suicide is easier but anyway I hope that you eventually find what you are searching for.

 

[squareminus1]

Well, what method are you thinking of? Some have way greater difficulty than others. When I first wanted to attempt, I wanted to try jumping off a height, but the survival instinct for that is way greater than say, drinking a painless poison. Maybe it's just your methodology that's wrong.

Also yeah you should get a new therapist.

Hey,
I don't think I have access to SN or any other poison. I was looking into partial hanging but seems a dead end at least in my house there is not a decent anchor point. I am leaning now to full hanging, I went out a walk in the woods near my house today to investigate apprpriate trees and I think I found one. I need to research on whether its best to try bring a stool with you to the forrest or if your better just climbing the tree and jumping/slowly clibing then dropping into it (which I checked and I could climb up there, it supported me hanging from my arms for a shot time too, I don't have the upper body strengrh to investigate in much more detail than that).

 

[UKscotty]

Those with the courage and have overcome the SI are no longer with us so can't share how they did it.

We are very very lucky to be living in these times though I feel. We have an absolute abundance of reliable methods, and the means to carry them out are readily available, often for same day delivery.

 

[Meditation guide]

The key ingredient is desperation that overrides all else.

 

[snoot]

I've had my account here for almost three years now, I used to abandon it after I started feeling a little bit better. But time and time again something triggers me and I feel it is inevitable that I will kill myself, so it's like I am old enough now to know I need to actually follow through. I am sick of it all.
It's not a good way for me to live: having a few brief months of barely surviving off slithers of hope, of the idea that "things will get better" - and then it all being dashed to pieces again.
I am tired of this cycle of mine. I thought I was doing "okay" for the past two years but I had just been isolating myself from everyone under the guise of "healing".
I relate to what you said about needing to die to stop getting people to hurt. I think a big thing that drives me to be "courageous" is the fact everyone around me will be far better off once I CTB and hopefully my death will make a difference for other people who aren't as far gone as I am.

 

[H4ku._.]

So you want to die, but can't build up the courage to do so? Uhhh I don't know what to say. Sorry if this doesn't help, but this is my take. Prepare the ctb resources. Try thinking of everything bad that has ever happened to you, one by one. Slowly your mood should deteriorate, and you'll feel very impulsive.

That would be a way but it wouldn't be courage