Thank you all for letting me do this and to whoever still reads my rambling. It definitely helps, even if it's fleeting, to get it out here.
So I took a 2nd job as a server to hopefully move to bartending to try to save up money since that's my reason to possibly have to ctb. Most of the other ones are like 10 or more years younger than me. I look young so they don't know that so that being 35 and serving on the side part is depressing and embarrassing.
I actually kind of like it. It's sad sometimes because I see really nice families come in and I know I'll very likely never have that, but in a weird way it takes me feel good when I see my customers happy. There was a really cute little girl who stopped me and told me how much she liked everything. Fucking almost killed me.
The owners a dick that nobody likes. But he's my age and owns the place and does wedding catering too and I heard they did $500,000 in revenue last year. He doesn't like to comp anything and treats the staff poorly, even though everyone else on it is super nice.
I guess my point is...I'm a fucking idiot and he's a winner in what this life is. I'm barely holding it together and bought a couple drinks for a couple servers I closed with and this guy wouldn't comp a $2.50 glass of milk for a kid because he didn't like 1%.
Even now, through all this, I still didn't get it. This guy doesn't care that he's an asshole, but at the end of the day he's very successful, has a nice wife and a nice son, both way more respectful than him. That's just what it takes in this world. To be ruthless about every penny.
I had a phase where I was listening to a lot of motivational stuff, and I can't say how many times I heard something like "You gotta fight for not only your lunch, but you gotta take the lunch from guy next to you before he takes yours!" I think I lived my life way more like, "well there's enough food here, why don't we just split this so we can both eat?" That's partly how I lost.
What terrifies me more is if this is what life is like, and you can see it all over nature as well, who's to say if there's an afterlife that it won't be the same thing? What if the universe, God, everything is all about being like this restaurant owner? Then I'm probably just fucked for eternity.
So I took a 2nd job as a server to hopefully move to bartending to try to save up money since that's my reason to possibly have to ctb. Most of the other ones are like 10 or more years younger than me. I look young so they don't know that so that being 35 and serving on the side part is depressing and embarrassing.
I actually kind of like it. It's sad sometimes because I see really nice families come in and I know I'll very likely never have that, but in a weird way it takes me feel good when I see my customers happy. There was a really cute little girl who stopped me and told me how much she liked everything. Fucking almost killed me.
The owners a dick that nobody likes. But he's my age and owns the place and does wedding catering too and I heard they did $500,000 in revenue last year. He doesn't like to comp anything and treats the staff poorly, even though everyone else on it is super nice.
I guess my point is...I'm a fucking idiot and he's a winner in what this life is. I'm barely holding it together and bought a couple drinks for a couple servers I closed with and this guy wouldn't comp a $2.50 glass of milk for a kid because he didn't like 1%.
Even now, through all this, I still didn't get it. This guy doesn't care that he's an asshole, but at the end of the day he's very successful, has a nice wife and a nice son, both way more respectful than him. That's just what it takes in this world. To be ruthless about every penny.
I had a phase where I was listening to a lot of motivational stuff, and I can't say how many times I heard something like "You gotta fight for not only your lunch, but you gotta take the lunch from guy next to you before he takes yours!" I think I lived my life way more like, "well there's enough food here, why don't we just split this so we can both eat?" That's partly how I lost.
What terrifies me more is if this is what life is like, and you can see it all over nature as well, who's to say if there's an afterlife that it won't be the same thing? What if the universe, God, everything is all about being like this restaurant owner? Then I'm probably just fucked for eternity.
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