Crushed_Innocence
Hungry Ghost
- Oct 16, 2019
- 423
Hi Fellow Bus People,
I miss yall.... I haven't been on here in over a month. I feel like I processed out the first stage of coming to terms with ending my life. The pendulum's momentum has slowed to a resigned acceptance. There are still flashes of fear, however these are to be expected, but no longer enough to derail me. You see, I don't want to continue on in this world simply because I am afriad to die.
But I also have responsibilities and since I am no longer in a state of an "episode" I do not need to be hasty, although each day being alive is torment for reasons that can be found in my past posts and I will give my big reveal in my goodbye thread.
I guess I'm writing this to check in with my SS family, both old and new. I'm so sad I missed JimFords passing. I realize I can't be gone from here too long because we never really know when someone decides to board thier bus.
I would have been gone if I didn't have so many things to wrap up. The earliest possible would be near the end of January and for that seems like an eternity, but I must hack it out. I joined this forum over a year ago. I wasn't on it when I attempted last year. Won't make that mistake again. So, I keep soothing myself, reminding myself that I won't have to deal with the pain much longer. That I don't have a "long road of recovery ahead" or "a lot of work to do to build the life that I want" --- Nope, I decided to opt out. I didn't have a say in anything regarding coming here. I didn't choose- but self-delivernace will be the one place where I get to have a say. The only decision where I feel that I have power. I honestly can't wait to get out of here. I need enough pateince and discipline to get me through anywhere from 6-14 weeks. Then it will all be over. I'm okay with it. The more I dig into the truth of my lifes exsitnece the more I know there can't be any plan. Just a cruel randomness that so many become the victims of. The last enemy to defeat is fear.
I miss yall.... I haven't been on here in over a month. I feel like I processed out the first stage of coming to terms with ending my life. The pendulum's momentum has slowed to a resigned acceptance. There are still flashes of fear, however these are to be expected, but no longer enough to derail me. You see, I don't want to continue on in this world simply because I am afriad to die.
But I also have responsibilities and since I am no longer in a state of an "episode" I do not need to be hasty, although each day being alive is torment for reasons that can be found in my past posts and I will give my big reveal in my goodbye thread.
I guess I'm writing this to check in with my SS family, both old and new. I'm so sad I missed JimFords passing. I realize I can't be gone from here too long because we never really know when someone decides to board thier bus.
I would have been gone if I didn't have so many things to wrap up. The earliest possible would be near the end of January and for that seems like an eternity, but I must hack it out. I joined this forum over a year ago. I wasn't on it when I attempted last year. Won't make that mistake again. So, I keep soothing myself, reminding myself that I won't have to deal with the pain much longer. That I don't have a "long road of recovery ahead" or "a lot of work to do to build the life that I want" --- Nope, I decided to opt out. I didn't have a say in anything regarding coming here. I didn't choose- but self-delivernace will be the one place where I get to have a say. The only decision where I feel that I have power. I honestly can't wait to get out of here. I need enough pateince and discipline to get me through anywhere from 6-14 weeks. Then it will all be over. I'm okay with it. The more I dig into the truth of my lifes exsitnece the more I know there can't be any plan. Just a cruel randomness that so many become the victims of. The last enemy to defeat is fear.
