Too_Many_Regrets
Member
- Apr 22, 2020
- 5
I never wanted things to turn out the way they did. I tried, but I guess I didn't try hard enough. I kept turning to booze and drugs, when I should have been working on dealing with my issues in a healthy manner. While I were sober, I filled that space with hookers, sometimes Nyquil and later on prescription meds. I never really learned anything sober, I just replace one bad habit with another. Once alcohol came back, the other bad habits remained, and now I was at the mercy of my worst demon. I methodically ruined my life at the beginning of 2019, after my relationship ended and the collective guilt of being a POS hit me. Shortly after, I met a junkie that introduced me to the world of hard drugs. When she left, I stopped most of them, but drinking is all I ever needed.
Going from earning $5k+/mo to less than 2k was debilitating. Had to get a terrible roommate, default on almost everything, sell pretty much everything I own just to pay the few bills and rent. Eventually I landed a real nice job (still low wage but enjoyed the work), and met the woman of my dreams, too ideal to be true. Never even close to a relationship, but just her associating with me and agreeing to hang out a couple times brought more hope in my life than I'd felt in a long time. Of course, it was never enough for me. Interest wasn't reciprocated enough, driving me to drink and be needy, seeking validation. So things faded, got worse, I began drinking life-critical amounts of alcohol, most specifically 151, hanging DNR posters all over the apartment and dealing with withdrawals. Roommate up and left one day w/o paying, I lost my apartment a month later, the girl offered to caretake my pets until I was stable again, and my friend let me stay in his trailer.
Lost my job soon after, and was never able to find a job after, in spite of my efforts. Drinking a lot less because I couldn't drink there, but when I did, I'd almost always black out, and I became incredibly malicious towards the girl. I was in pain, I blamed a lot of it on her even though she had done nothing but be honest with me, and eventually I lost it, blacked out and severed my arm, police called and put on a 5150. After that, I lost the trailer, and lost the girl for good, she was done. Started living out of my car, talked with the girl briefly so thought maybe there's a sliver of hope, kept working hard to find a job.
Unfortunately received some meth in a trade, decided to use it for motivation. It worked, but drugs come with a heavy price, and it wasn't long before I started paying it. The girl eventually stopped responding entirely, even after the last conversation seemed fine. I drank one day and just started spam messaging, essays worth of text about everything, how she made me feel, why she kept talking with me so long in spite of my numerous problems..I was terrible. I couldn't handle it anymore. I stopped trying to find work, using the meth more often, and hyper-focusing on everything that hurt me the most. One evening I texted from a diff #, I thought maybe she blocked me, she still has my pets and I was hoping we could be civil for that at least..She never blocked me, she knew I was trying to manipulate the pet situation to try and talk more, they're fine and will be, and to stop messaging her. Of course, I had already been drinking, so I tried to press it..My friend messaged asking about my cat, I said I'd try and find a home, he said he was going to put her out back to be an outdoor cat and I lost it. Texted the girl begging her to take Kitty, but the excommunication still stands. She did take her the next day, my friend told me, not her. I was relieved to know she's safe and in good hands.
I stopped caring about everything, stopped talking with everyone, and began desperately seeking more drugs. I found black tar H, got a bunch hoping it might aid in CTB, but I don't want to use it IV, so my options are limited there. I've dedicated most of my time since then to my CTB. Mentally, I've never felt pain or misery like I do now. The feeling of wanting to break down and cry for hours, but not being able to cry is something else. Almost never sleep, eat, shower, everything. All I think about all day long (outside of CTB, when I can focus on that) are the absolute most painful thoughts possible. How I'll never see my pets again, how the one girl I desired so much despises me to such an extent that no matter what I could possibly do, change or recover, she will never, ever want anything to do with me. That I can't go back and right all the wrong. All the people I've lost, the mistakes I've made, and those I've let down.
I've come to loathe myself so much, that I continue doing what I am because I feel as though I truly deserve it. Hell, I don't even feel like I deserve death, that sticking around and suffering is more appropriate for a POS like myself. But I'm making an exception, because I'm becoming too weak to suffer even, crippled by my thoughts and past mistakes. More than anything, I just want to shut down all those thoughts with a bullet, something about the thought of painting them all over the wall is satisfying to me. Kind of like I get the last "fuck you" to them. I've had guns in my mouth before, shame now because I regret not having used them. I haven't done anything remarkable since, and now I can't own guns, so obtaining one has proven difficult.
But I've made my decision, I tried to reach out again for one sliver of hope, of course receiving nothing in return. That also further fuels my desire and belief that I'm meant to CTB now. I have little money left, and my car will be repo'd before long. Every day keeps getting worse mentally, I don't even understand how it can keep getting worse, but I can't stop barraging myself with thought. I've distanced myself from those who still care, and I'm fully focused on CTB. I've decided I will likely go the charcoal/CO route, as I have a car and black tar H, which combined I imagine would be effective. Plenty of alcohol, but the H makes me a bit nauseous, and I don't want to end up just vomiting my guts out. I pass out very quick with H. I truly feel for those out there who are at the point of wanting to CTB. I don't wish these feelings on anyone, and I hope you will all find whatever meaning you need in life to keep going.
Going from earning $5k+/mo to less than 2k was debilitating. Had to get a terrible roommate, default on almost everything, sell pretty much everything I own just to pay the few bills and rent. Eventually I landed a real nice job (still low wage but enjoyed the work), and met the woman of my dreams, too ideal to be true. Never even close to a relationship, but just her associating with me and agreeing to hang out a couple times brought more hope in my life than I'd felt in a long time. Of course, it was never enough for me. Interest wasn't reciprocated enough, driving me to drink and be needy, seeking validation. So things faded, got worse, I began drinking life-critical amounts of alcohol, most specifically 151, hanging DNR posters all over the apartment and dealing with withdrawals. Roommate up and left one day w/o paying, I lost my apartment a month later, the girl offered to caretake my pets until I was stable again, and my friend let me stay in his trailer.
Lost my job soon after, and was never able to find a job after, in spite of my efforts. Drinking a lot less because I couldn't drink there, but when I did, I'd almost always black out, and I became incredibly malicious towards the girl. I was in pain, I blamed a lot of it on her even though she had done nothing but be honest with me, and eventually I lost it, blacked out and severed my arm, police called and put on a 5150. After that, I lost the trailer, and lost the girl for good, she was done. Started living out of my car, talked with the girl briefly so thought maybe there's a sliver of hope, kept working hard to find a job.
Unfortunately received some meth in a trade, decided to use it for motivation. It worked, but drugs come with a heavy price, and it wasn't long before I started paying it. The girl eventually stopped responding entirely, even after the last conversation seemed fine. I drank one day and just started spam messaging, essays worth of text about everything, how she made me feel, why she kept talking with me so long in spite of my numerous problems..I was terrible. I couldn't handle it anymore. I stopped trying to find work, using the meth more often, and hyper-focusing on everything that hurt me the most. One evening I texted from a diff #, I thought maybe she blocked me, she still has my pets and I was hoping we could be civil for that at least..She never blocked me, she knew I was trying to manipulate the pet situation to try and talk more, they're fine and will be, and to stop messaging her. Of course, I had already been drinking, so I tried to press it..My friend messaged asking about my cat, I said I'd try and find a home, he said he was going to put her out back to be an outdoor cat and I lost it. Texted the girl begging her to take Kitty, but the excommunication still stands. She did take her the next day, my friend told me, not her. I was relieved to know she's safe and in good hands.
I stopped caring about everything, stopped talking with everyone, and began desperately seeking more drugs. I found black tar H, got a bunch hoping it might aid in CTB, but I don't want to use it IV, so my options are limited there. I've dedicated most of my time since then to my CTB. Mentally, I've never felt pain or misery like I do now. The feeling of wanting to break down and cry for hours, but not being able to cry is something else. Almost never sleep, eat, shower, everything. All I think about all day long (outside of CTB, when I can focus on that) are the absolute most painful thoughts possible. How I'll never see my pets again, how the one girl I desired so much despises me to such an extent that no matter what I could possibly do, change or recover, she will never, ever want anything to do with me. That I can't go back and right all the wrong. All the people I've lost, the mistakes I've made, and those I've let down.
I've come to loathe myself so much, that I continue doing what I am because I feel as though I truly deserve it. Hell, I don't even feel like I deserve death, that sticking around and suffering is more appropriate for a POS like myself. But I'm making an exception, because I'm becoming too weak to suffer even, crippled by my thoughts and past mistakes. More than anything, I just want to shut down all those thoughts with a bullet, something about the thought of painting them all over the wall is satisfying to me. Kind of like I get the last "fuck you" to them. I've had guns in my mouth before, shame now because I regret not having used them. I haven't done anything remarkable since, and now I can't own guns, so obtaining one has proven difficult.
But I've made my decision, I tried to reach out again for one sliver of hope, of course receiving nothing in return. That also further fuels my desire and belief that I'm meant to CTB now. I have little money left, and my car will be repo'd before long. Every day keeps getting worse mentally, I don't even understand how it can keep getting worse, but I can't stop barraging myself with thought. I've distanced myself from those who still care, and I'm fully focused on CTB. I've decided I will likely go the charcoal/CO route, as I have a car and black tar H, which combined I imagine would be effective. Plenty of alcohol, but the H makes me a bit nauseous, and I don't want to end up just vomiting my guts out. I pass out very quick with H. I truly feel for those out there who are at the point of wanting to CTB. I don't wish these feelings on anyone, and I hope you will all find whatever meaning you need in life to keep going.
