Venting Sometimes it seems to get better

[Kobusu]

I'm not sure if it's the medication or what, but lately it's been feeling like things may get better, or that they might be better in general. Afterwards, though, the comedown is hard. It's really hard, and I find myself back at where I was BEFORE I got thrown into the hospital. It hurts more this time, though, because there's that slight glimmer of hope for a moment. Like a little taste of hope or happiness or some peace and fucking quiet just to have it ripped from your hands at the last moment. I apologize for the rant, it's just hard. It's really hard and I'm constantly reminded of why I decided to try and ctb in the first place. This time though it's not a numbness. It's a frustration, because it felt like I was so close to maybe having my days be bearable in some fucking sense of the world. Just to have it dashed in front of me. I really really just want to be dead but I can't do it again, not for a while. There's too many people relying on me. I only make it through the nights by thinking about how great it'll feel to finally paint the walls when the day comes. Anyways, sorry for the rant. I hope you all are well.

 

[GentleJerk]

You don't need to apologize! The frustration is totally understandable, when you're trying so hard to get on top of things and then find yourself back where you started or worse, of course that's going to really be rough.

Still being here because you have people relying on you, I hope they know how lucky they are.

I hope you are giving yourself some recognition and respect. People who don't have to go through it just have no Idea what it's like.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

There's too many people relying on me. I only make it through the nights by thinking about how great it'll feel to finally paint the walls when the day comes. Anyways, sorry for the rant. I hope you all are well.

Nah dude, I feel you. Its nothing but respectable to keep fighting because people rely on you. I know the feeling you're talking about though. Every day I try to ramp myself up to take the plunge and a small voice in my head starts leaking bits of hope and starts to plan for the future as if theres a way out of this shit. Its fucking enraging.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I hear you. I'm feeling better but don't want to. Circumstances still hopeless.

 

[Kobusu]

Thank you guys, it's nice to know I'm not alone in this. I don't even know if I'd rather be where I am now or where I was. The hope feels nice sometimes, but then everything rushes back and I just feel like a fool. It's a lot to struggle with, and sometimes it feels like it may crush me. Like there's a literal weight on my heart. I appreciate you guys saying something, thank you and I like to tell myself it'll get better for all of us. One day at a time, right?

 

[Snake of Eden]

I hear you. Personally I have no sense of hope at all. It is a strange place to be in but it feels safe to be quite honest. I am not complaining.

 

[Natty]

Like a little taste of hope or happiness or some peace and fucking quiet just to have it ripped from your hands at the last moment.

I feel similarly pretty much all the time. I've been trying as hard as I can to reverse this course, but the ups and downs have become worse than any of the years of solitary anhedonia that I endure for so long.

There's a quote that always sticks with me, "being alone is preferable than being with others who make you feel alone". I think the quote works in it's original context but I feel it also applies in this instance. It's almost less horrible just to stay down near the bottom than seeing the glimmers of hope and having those hopes dashed.

Nostalgia also does this for me.

 

[FuneralCry]

I see hope as just leading to more suffering, which is why I am glad I have none. It can be painful losing the hope you once had. Life is very disappointing, the way I see it, if you have something positive, it never lasts. I understand it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.