Sometimes I wish there were no kindness in my life so my decision could be easy

[Mbound]

I know I should be grateful—and I feel incredibly, incredibly guilty for not being grateful—but sometimes I really just wish all the kindness and love would leave my life entirely so I could die in peace and without second thoughts or regrets. Besides my loving family/partner...I just notice these sometimes small, sometimes large acts of kindness, thoughtfulness, genuine connection on an almost daily basis. Stuff like meeting someone a few weeks ago who I instantly became fast friends with, who even invited me to their bday party. Some stranger who compliments me, a coworker who empathizes with some of the stuff I've been through and wants to make it easier in some small way...It makes me want to cry, because I feel like it's absolutely wasted on me because I don't care about myself and I haven't for years and I just want out.

I feel so fucking guilty that in all likelihood one day—soon—I'm going to absolutely gut the people I love most. I wish I was never born but now that I have been, I wish things could just be unwaveringly bad for long enough that ctb is the obvious choice. So I wouldn't be stuck in fucking limbo as someone who knows I can't go on much longer and someone who can't take care of myself, but also someone who can't yet destroy all the hope and love others have for me. I feel like an absolute monster for wanting to toss everything away like I really, really do. Let me off this ride I'm fucking nauseous

 

[not_a_robot]

There's no kindness in mine either but I adapted to it so well that it's still no easier to ctb. Animals still love me though. I value their opinion more than hoomans' anyway.

 

[Mbound]

There's no kindness in mine either but I adapted to it so well that it's still no easier to ctb. Animals still love me though. I value their opinion more than hoomans' anyway.

I'm sorry to hear that. Animals are wonderful. Thinking about my pets being sad that I left is almost as gut wrenching as thinking about how my parents will feel :(

 

[whyidon'tknow]

I can relate

 

[anna-morphosis]

being surrounded by people making different sorts of gestures of kindness used to be what kept me away from the brink, but something just snapped early this year where i suddenly started to feel like all of it was actually horrible and fake, that essentially everyone was only ever just using me as a tool to realize whatever their stupid fantasies happened to be, and that ultimately, when it came down to it, my own feelings didn't actually matter much, just their narcissistic pleasure in feeling like a kind and helpful person. extremely cynical i know, but i sincerely believe now that i can't expect anything more from people than that - i don't think i believe that 'kindness' really exists, just different levels of manipulation and possessiveness of other's destinies for the sake of selfish fantasy.

maybe it's actually just me that's the terrible person, or maybe i'm just disgustingly broken from my various traumas for only being able to see this. usually, when someone tells me they love/care about me, i just get disgusted, thinking, 'fuck, as if, what does that even mean?' i don't get any comfort from it at all. i think this comes along with really believing that if anyone truly cared about me and my feelings, they would sincerely respect my decision to end my life.

 

[Mbound]

being surrounded by people making different sorts of gestures of kindness used to be what kept me away from the brink, but something just snapped early this year where i suddenly started to feel like all of it was actually horrible and fake, that essentially everyone was only ever just using me as a tool to realize whatever their stupid fantasies happened to be, and that ultimately, when it came down to it, my own feelings didn't actually matter much, just their narcissistic pleasure in feeling like a kind and helpful person. extremely cynical i know, but i sincerely believe now that i can't expect anything more from people than that - i don't think i believe that 'kindness' really exists, just different levels of manipulation and possessiveness of other's destinies for the sake of selfish fantasy.

maybe it's actually just me that's the terrible person, or maybe i'm just disgustingly broken from my various traumas for only being able to see this. usually, when someone tells me they love/care about me, i just get disgusted, thinking, 'fuck, as if, what does that even mean?' i don't get any comfort from it at all. i think this comes along with really believing that if anyone truly cared about me and my feelings, they would sincerely respect my decision to end my life.

That's definitely cynical but I don't think entirely incorrect. I agree somewhat that at the end of the day most, if not all, urges we have to be kind and do good things are primarily motivated by needing to feel good about ourselves and/or achieve something that benefits us (which could be as simple as being liked or being recognized as a decent person, or something like getting a raise, etc)

At least, when it comes to "nonessential" people in our lives—strangers, coworkers, acquaintances, friends of friends, etc..Maybe I'm biased, but I don't think my parents are motivated primarily by those things. I know they'd saw off their own arms if it meant I would lead a happy life. But I don't know. Maybe they also just want to feel like they're good parents. It's a hard thing to separate out and I'm not feeling super cogent atm so forgive me if I'm talking nonsense lol.

It makes me very sad people love me as much as my parents do. I don't deserve it and I never have. And people can say all day "you're worthy of love, you're worthy of love" but if I don't even value myself enough to stay alive, why would I be worthy of their devotion? Someone who's thrown away as many opportunities as I have certainly isn't deserving of what they were given.

And I agree that the greatest love sometimes is showing mercy for people's suffering and allowing them the autonomy in deciding when enough is enough. Maybe if this weren't considered socially abhorrent more people would be open to that.

 

[anna-morphosis]

i guess my view of what i may be willing to accept graciously as love, with some forgiveness rather than contempt for the cloaked selfishness motivating it, mostly comes down to that whole "if you love me, let me go" kind of principle. it's a cliche, but i feel like there's a profundity to it that tends to be overlooked out of convenience

over time i've developed a more and more negative reaction to the idea of people expressing that they just want to be close to me and that it's some kind of inhuman travesty for me to prefer some space (or even ultimately their rejection or my own death) over the seemingly required indulgence of their mindless fantasy of being near to me somehow. i admit that lots of bad romantic relationships have colored these feelings heavily. i really struggle to feel anything for my parents any more either, and it's largely to do with the way they react to expressing in no uncertain terms that i'm actually happier when i get more space from them - that i have to be wrong, that i'm just being inconsiderate, that really participating in The Family is more important than trying to have something resembling a bearable life. in other words, they seem perfectly happy to make me suffer as long as they get to be there for it, lamenting it vacuously

 

[deltahead]

my backstory is lacking to say the least. there's no bad guy in my life aside from me. from an outsider perspective it's downright impossible to see anyone in my family as evil or anything other than "too loving". i think i would have benefitted greatly from being abused as a child. if that were the case, then i'd feel slightly more justified and confident in my insanity. there would be tangible, physical proof. i can think of so many events that would strenghten the narrative and none of them happened.

 

[Severen]

being surrounded by people making different sorts of gestures of kindness used to be what kept me away from the brink, but something just snapped early this year where i suddenly started to feel like all of it was actually horrible and fake, that essentially everyone was only ever just using me as a tool to realize whatever their stupid fantasies happened to be, and that ultimately, when it came down to it, my own feelings didn't actually matter much, just their narcissistic pleasure in feeling like a kind and helpful person. extremely cynical i know, but i sincerely believe now that i can't expect anything more from people than that - i don't think i believe that 'kindness' really exists, just different levels of manipulation and possessiveness of other's destinies for the sake of selfish fantasy.

maybe it's actually just me that's the terrible person, or maybe i'm just disgustingly broken from my various traumas for only being able to see this. usually, when someone tells me they love/care about me, i just get disgusted, thinking, 'fuck, as if, what does that even mean?' i don't get any comfort from it at all. i think this comes along with really believing that if anyone truly cared about me and my feelings, they would sincerely respect my decision to end my life.

Yes, even being kind is an act of selfishness but at the same time, the interaction between you and a kind person is mutually beneficial. So their intent was do to something mutually beneficial between you and him or you and her. Everyone wins. And in order to be truly altruistic, you would have to make a sacrifice in order to be kind. And that is a lot to expect from people who naturally try to avoid making sacrifices as much as possible. Because sacrifices = pain. So whenever, someone is being kind to me, I look at the intent... The thoughts behind their action or words... What can they gain from me other than the satisfaction of being kind towards me? If the answer is nothing, then cool. Fortune smiles upon me. If the answer, is something then I'd be cautious so I don't get scammed. I have this cold and calculating way of breaking everything down into Kingdoms, Empires and warfare... Because life is never ending warfare... And each human being is basically like a Kingdom or an Empire... Just on a very small scale. And that is pretty much...life... Life was never meant to be anything more than this... So really, just having someone do something mutually beneficial with you is a victory. And the most you can get out of life is a victory, here and there. We simply do not live in this magical romantic world, we were raised to believe in. But that doesn't necessarily mean, everything in life is horrible. It's just less than we expected...

 

[puppy9]

True altruism doesn't exist, any act can be considered selfish or altruistically-selfish.
The latter is an oxymoron. Anybody care to illuminate me on this statement.