sometimes I want to run and never look back

[Tionally]

The perspective of running somewhere far away without saying anything to anyone seems appealing to me. To just run and never stop. Go away from all your responsibilities, friends, family... I mean I do care for my close ones (or at least I did - I'm too far gone with derealization and anhedonia at this point) but I don't want to live here. Or just live. But at the same time I'm kinda scared of dying??

I could just exist somewhere far away. Without caring about my old life. Though I would probably end up homeless that way but it still seems more chill and calm. (I'll never do it probably though)

I guess in a way suicide is the ultimate escape. You run away too but you just don't have a destination. You just end up nowhere. Forever escaped.

 

[Tionally]

i started seriously considering this. what if I got onto a bus and then another one and another one.. it's probably stupid: I know it can't last forever. and it would also have consequences on my life. but I just can't go on anymore

 

[Lynx.]

The thrill of hopping into a train and never knowing where you'll end...

I get it. Certainly, dropping off all the responsibilities of life, turning your back on everything you ever knew without ever really knowing your destination is appealing. I have fantasies about it from time to time - new places to be, and perhaps a new me.
At least it sounds better than the monotony of the current day life, coupled with mental illness and an endless routine that is slowly driving me towards CTB...

I would do it, if it wasn't a huge risk that could potentially end in awful outcomes, and potentially losing contact with my loved ones forever...
For now, it remains a fantasy. Although it just crossed my mind that I could, from time to time, just hop into a bus or a train, and travel randomly for a while, even if it's just a few hours - and then come back home. It doesn't have the same thrill and excitement, but going somewhere for a few hours, without any destination whatsoever, seems kind of fun in it's own way...

If it was financially possible for my NEET ass, I would do this for months. I wouldn't have to cut all contact with my family, I would need just enough money to have a guaranteed place to sleep, other than the streets...

Bus or train hopping while homeless and without any expectations sounds fun - yet taxing in every aspect. Many traumatic things can happen that would fuel my desire to CTB even more... But again, at the same time, the current state of things do the same in a slower way. So, I dunno.

I hope we both get to feel the excitement and thrill of such experiences, at least for a while.