Venting Sometimes I think I may be a horrible person deep inside...

[Anonymous1997ES]

The main reason I hate myself... Is the person I could have become had I not changed... Or the person that could still be hiding inside of my mind...

Back in the past, I used to be a very self-centered person, and I could've turned into a narcissist had the worst happened... I wanted to be popular and famous, I thought that I had more potential... And for that I made a mistake (won't mention it directly), that not only turned me into my current self, but still, twelve years later, just remembering it sends me into full blown panic (since I could've become a laughingstock at worst).

I brought that upon myself, I gave people a reason to bully me, because I wanted to be acknowledged and recognized, and I even think I helped people in elementary school as a way for them not to hurt me (but I somewhat changed in between my teens and early adulthood). Only when I developed self-awareness back when I was 15-16 I realized how messed up I was...

I didn't know how to connect with people, many possible friendships tended to fade away, and I tended to annoy others so much, that I ended up either ghosted, or they snapped at me for my way of being... In a nutshell, I bring out the worst of others sometimes. Back in my early college days... I used to think I was better for not drinking, doing drugs or smoking at all, I used to think those who took selfies of themselves smiling or sharing their happiness were selfish and narcissistic, when in reality... I could've been the one with those traits, as I don't know how to understand self-love at all...

I had, and I still have, many of these defects: codependency, paranoid thoughts of betrayal and thinking others hate me and so on, inability to make nor keep most friendships, pissing people off with my way of being, being condescending (in the sense that I didn't say what I really thought about), making promises without being sure I can fulfill them, talking far too much, being jealous (like thinking I will be replaced/abandoned by other people arriving in some friend's lives and so on)...

Would a person who's truly "good" or "genuine" be able to create so much hatred inside of others? Would someone "good" have in between 25-30 people as either enemies or them disliking you? Would a "good" person fail so miserably in connecting with others? Would someone "good" have their own ideals born as a self-defense mechanism that only changed later on?

Plus... As funny as this sounds, when I told people I might be "different", now I can admit it was a desperate way to finally be accepted and understood, yet I only caused people to think I was some kind of r-word, to be treated with kids gloves, to just be tolerated every once a while, always being told how "kind and cute" I am, only to evenually get avoided, hated and ghosted... In the end, I'm someone who only has self-pity for himself, never learns from his mistakes, and always is looking for other people's support... Honestly, I've been tempted to think everyone else is bad and I'm good, but logically it doesn't makes sense, because, as I said (forgive me if I'm wrong), good people aren't hated by so many others, and I'm sure they aren't like me either...

I think there's a big chance all this time I've been someone manipulative, selfish and so focused in his own pain that I didn't realize I was leaving behind some people who cared until I almost lost them... It's a miracle that I still have good friendships left... Other people have suffered far more than me, they didn't create their own suffering unlike me, yet I still complain about a hell I created with my own decisions... After all, if I've been hated by people, in some cases by not doing anything bad to them (though in some situations I was the one who made the mistake/misunderstanding)... Then what am I?

 

[brnggundottxt]

It's important that you recognized your faults so it's possible to fix them in future. I know sometimes people can find that they rub people the wrong way and there's always hope.

Like sometimes I used to get so indignant by any personal slights that I literally want to send that person to hell. I used to be so vindictive. I used to think that I'm so important that no one should mess with me. I even used to conspire with my group of friends to terrorize as well and may have caused some actual harm.
I would say I was a bully that became a bigger bully.
I didn't actually care about others and only cared about looking morally superior. That was when I was when I was a teenager. Eventually I got out of that way of thinking -- that I'm some pure white knight without faults or the ability to be malicious

It makes me absolutely cringe now to see people acting like that, especially grown adults. I may have learnt to do this in the past by the people I surrounded my self with, the clubs I was in, the shady people I wished I have never met. But I'm much more compassionate now, not taking myself as seriously hopefully.

There's certainly hope for you, my friend. It's like learning anything, through repetition of good habits you can sculpt yourself to be the good person you want to be. Do no harm.

 

[AnestheticVoid]

I see what you're saying but to put it in perspective Ted Bundy existed.

 

[Water-Lily]

It's important that you recognized your faults so it's possible to fix them in future. I know sometimes people can find that they rub people the wrong way and there's always hope.

Like sometimes I used to get so indignant by any personal slights that I literally want to send that person to hell. I used to be so vindictive. I used to think that I'm so important that no one should mess with me. I even used to conspire with my group of friends to terrorize as well and may have caused some actual harm.
I would say I was a bully that became a bigger bully.
I didn't actually care about others and only cared about looking morally superior. That was when I was when I was a teenager. Eventually I got out of that way of thinking -- that I'm some pure white knight without faults or the ability to be malicious

It makes me absolutely cringe now to see people acting like that, especially grown adults. I may have learnt to do this in the past by the people I surrounded my self with, the clubs I was in, the shady people I wished I have never met. But I'm much more compassionate now, not taking myself as seriously hopefully.

There's certainly hope for you, my friend. It's like learning anything, through repetition of good habits you can sculpt yourself to be the good person you want to be. Do no harm.

not taking yourself too seriously sounds like a healthier way to live

The main reason I hate myself... Is the person I could have become had I not changed... Or the person that could still be hiding inside of my mind...

Back in the past, I used to be a very self-centered person, and I could've turned into a narcissist had the worst happened... I wanted to be popular and famous, I thought that I had more potential... And for that I made a mistake (won't mention it directly), that not only turned me into my current self, but still, twelve years later, just remembering it sends me into full blown panic (since I could've become a laughingstock at worst).

I brought that upon myself, I gave people a reason to bully me, because I wanted to be acknowledged and recognized, and I even think I helped people in elementary school as a way for them not to hurt me (but I somewhat changed in between my teens and early adulthood). Only when I developed self-awareness back when I was 15-16 I realized how messed up I was...

I didn't know how to connect with people, many possible friendships tended to fade away, and I tended to annoy others so much, that I ended up either ghosted, or they snapped at me for my way of being... In a nutshell, I bring out the worst of others sometimes. Back in my early college days... I used to think I was better for not drinking, doing drugs or smoking at all, I used to think those who took selfies of themselves smiling or sharing their happiness were selfish and narcissistic, when in reality... I could've been the one with those traits, as I don't know how to understand self-love at all...

I had, and I still have, many of these defects: codependency, paranoid thoughts of betrayal and thinking others hate me and so on, inability to make nor keep most friendships, pissing people off with my way of being, being condescending (in the sense that I didn't say what I really thought about), making promises without being sure I can fulfill them, talking far too much, being jealous (like thinking I will be replaced/abandoned by other people arriving in some friend's lives and so on)...

Would a person who's truly "good" or "genuine" be able to create so much hatred inside of others? Would someone "good" have in between 25-30 people as either enemies or them disliking you? Would a "good" person fail so miserably in connecting with others? Would someone "good" have their own ideals born as a self-defense mechanism that only changed later on?

Plus... As funny as this sounds, when I told people I might be "different", now I can admit it was a desperate way to finally be accepted and understood, yet I only caused people to think I was some kind of r-word, to be treated with kids gloves, to just be tolerated every once a while, always being told how "kind and cute" I am, only to evenually get avoided, hated and ghosted... In the end, I'm someone who only has self-pity for himself, never learns from his mistakes, and always is looking for other people's support... Honestly, I've been tempted to think everyone else is bad and I'm good, but logically it doesn't makes sense, because, as I said (forgive me if I'm wrong), good people aren't hated by so many others, and I'm sure they aren't like me either...

I think there's a big chance all this time I've been someone manipulative, selfish and so focused in his own pain that I didn't realize I was leaving behind some people who cared until I almost lost them... It's a miracle that I still have good friendships left... Other people have suffered far more than me, they didn't create their own suffering unlike me, yet I still complain about a hell I created with my own decisions... After all, if I've been hated by people, in some cases by not doing anything bad to them (though in some situations I was the one who made the mistake/misunderstanding)... Then what am I?

I feel a lot of this. I mostly skimmed, but I often think I am a bad person. I too have done shitty things to others. I also have a superiority complex/moral high ground where I think I am better. Simply because I don't engage in "bad" activities. Or I tend to shut down an pretend I am fine when I am not. Leading me to ignore people or lie to them, only to lash out later or give a cold shoulder. When I don't get my way I react and take the pain inwards. Climbing down the ladder of suicidality, living in my guilt, and continuing to hurt myself and others in the process. It feels right, in that I am hurting myself for being bad. But wrong, in that it doesn't feel good. And it leaves me stagnant, in pain, and hurting. And coming out of that would mean that I not only would have to see myself for who I am (miserable, shitty, etc) but also work on myself. Working on myself would mean letting go of those guilt crippling behaviors and learning new healthier ones. Which involve self care. Since I have it ingrained that I don't "deserve" love I just want to hurt myself. But that keeps me trapped. Loving myself, especially after hurting someone or making a mistake, is extremely hard. I fantasize about killing myself, but I don't have the guts to do it. I walk around with a bag of guilt over my actions, and then deal with the reality that I am too scared to die. Leaving me in a limbo state where am stuck. Makes me hate myself more and wish for death to come

You noted that it's a "miracle" you still have some good friends left. Perhaps you are too hard on yourself. You may have done some things that weren't right (we all have) but some people love us though those things and see us for who we are. It sounds like you have such people in your life. You are not alone in this *hugs*

 

[brnggundottxt]

Much better than the cognitive dissonance I used to practice: actively practicing being malicious while still thinking I was the pinnacle of decency. I actually used to constantly and relentlessly preach at people while being actively involved in assholery. Nobody want's to hear anyone preach for too long. You'll just end up talking to the wind or (if you're rich enough) find yourself in an echo chamber of yes men.

I'm all for seeing myself for who I actually am in order to free myself from my afflictions. but it's too late for me. I'm already a dead man, a ghost in the wind.

 

[Water-Lily]

Much better than the cognitive dissonance I used to practice: actively practicing being malicious while still thinking I was the pinnacle of decency. I actually used to constantly and relentlessly preach at people while being actively involved in assholery. Nobody want's to hear anyone preach for too long. You'll just end up talking to the wind or (if you're rich enough) find yourself in an echo chamber of yes men.

I'm all for seeing myself for who I actually am in order to free myself from my afflictions. but it's too late for me. I'm already a dead man, a ghost in the wind.

it sounds like you have great self awareness. I feel with that, it isn't too late

 

[Anonymous1997ES]

It's important that you recognized your faults so it's possible to fix them in future. I know sometimes people can find that they rub people the wrong way and there's always hope.

Like sometimes I used to get so indignant by any personal slights that I literally want to send that person to hell. I used to be so vindictive. I used to think that I'm so important that no one should mess with me. I even used to conspire with my group of friends to terrorize as well and may have caused some actual harm.
I would say I was a bully that became a bigger bully.
I didn't actually care about others and only cared about looking morally superior. That was when I was when I was a teenager. Eventually I got out of that way of thinking -- that I'm some pure white knight without faults or the ability to be malicious

It makes me absolutely cringe now to see people acting like that, especially grown adults. I may have learnt to do this in the past by the people I surrounded my self with, the clubs I was in, the shady people I wished I have never met. But I'm much more compassionate now, not taking myself as seriously hopefully.

There's certainly hope for you, my friend. It's like learning anything, through repetition of good habits you can sculpt yourself to be the good person you want to be. Do no harm.

Wow... Sorry to hear you had a past like that, some people when bullied can take either the most aggressive or passive routes (lashing out or keeping everything inside), but both can cause destruction in the long term. Honestly I took more of the passive approach but mentally I tend to get angry with other people, which creates a lot of guilt... Agreed, I guess it's because no one wants to believe they're bad or have that potential, and instead try to justify their actions or shift the blame. Hope the best for you and please take care. Like you said, self-awareness can help a lot in these days.

I see what you're saying but to put it in perspective Ted Bundy existed.

From what I've heard that guy was a really powerful manipulator and psychopath... I guess humanity's happiness is not really connected to our morality, but rather how we act in life... Sad fact... Hope the best for you and please take care.

not taking yourself too seriously sounds like a healthier way to live

I feel a lot of this. I mostly skimmed, but I often think I am a bad person. I too have done shitty things to others. I also have a superiority complex/moral high ground where I think I am better. Simply because I don't engage in "bad" activities. Or I tend to shut down an pretend I am fine when I am not. Leading me to ignore people or lie to them, only to lash out later or give a cold shoulder. When I don't get my way I react and take the pain inwards. Climbing down the ladder of suicidality, living in my guilt, and continuing to hurt myself and others in the process. It feels right, in that I am hurting myself for being bad. But wrong, in that it doesn't feel good. And it leaves me stagnant, in pain, and hurting. And coming out of that would mean that I not only would have to see myself for who I am (miserable, shitty, etc) but also work on myself. Working on myself would mean letting go of those guilt crippling behaviors and learning new healthier ones. Which involve self care. Since I have it ingrained that I don't "deserve" love I just want to hurt myself. But that keeps me trapped. Loving myself, especially after hurting someone or making a mistake, is extremely hard. I fantasize about killing myself, but I don't have the guts to do it. I walk around with a bag of guilt over my actions, and then deal with the reality that I am too scared to die. Leaving me in a limbo state where am stuck. Makes me hate myself more and wish for death to come

You noted that it's a "miracle" you still have some good friends left. Perhaps you are too hard on yourself. You may have done some things that weren't right (we all have) but some people love us though those things and see us for who we are. It sounds like you have such people in your life. You are not alone in this *hugs*

Sorry to hear you used to live like that... Like someone told me, even if we were hurt by others in the past, it's up to us to break the cycle of hatred, and that cycle tends to cause a lot damage... Changing sounds really difficult, and honestly I kind of envy those who have tons of self-love and can even smile in a selfie picture... Hope maybe we'll find that answer and heal somewhat, would be nice. Hope the best for you and please take care.

 

[Water-Lily]

Wow... Sorry to hear you had a past like that, some people when bullied can take either the most aggressive or passive routes (lashing out or keeping everything inside), but both can cause destruction in the long term. Honestly I took more of the passive approach but mentally I tend to get angry with other people, which creates a lot of guilt... Agreed, I guess it's because no one wants to believe they're bad or have that potential, and instead try to justify their actions or shift the blame. Hope the best for you and please take care. Like you said, self-awareness can help a lot in these days.



From what I've heard that guy was a really powerful manipulator and psychopath... I guess humanity's happiness is not really connected to our morality, but rather how we act in life... Sad fact... Hope the best for you and please take care.


Sorry to hear you used to live like that... Like someone told me, even if we were hurt by others in the past, it's up to us to break the cycle of hatred, and that cycle tends to cause a lot damage... Changing sounds really difficult, and honestly I kind of envy those who have tons of self-love and can even smile in a selfie picture... Hope maybe we'll find that answer and heal somewhat, would be nice. Hope the best for you and please take care.

Its crazy isn't it? I can't imagine being nice to myself. I think "well im a bad person time to suicide!" but what I am doing is being a coward. Wanting to end my life because "I" feel shitty and "I" feel guilty is something a shitty person would do. I am escaping my consequences out of self hate and is a massive fuck you to those I hurt. Nothing good comes out of it. Its avoiding responsibility. Thats why change is hard. Because you have to look at yourself, be brutally honest, and getting to a better place means to treat yourself with care. Punishing yourself takes away responsibility and makes you stay in your shit

Toxic shame makes this difficult. I am used to being abused for just existing and so I have this "well I never mattered anyways so who cares". Its a very miserable place to be in.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

The main reason I hate myself... Is the person I could have become had I not changed... Or the person that could still be hiding inside of my mind...

Back in the past, I used to be a very self-centered person, and I could've turned into a narcissist had the worst happened... I wanted to be popular and famous, I thought that I had more potential... And for that I made a mistake (won't mention it directly), that not only turned me into my current self, but still, twelve years later, just remembering it sends me into full blown panic (since I could've become a laughingstock at worst).

I brought that upon myself, I gave people a reason to bully me, because I wanted to be acknowledged and recognized, and I even think I helped people in elementary school as a way for them not to hurt me (but I somewhat changed in between my teens and early adulthood). Only when I developed self-awareness back when I was 15-16 I realized how messed up I was...

I didn't know how to connect with people, many possible friendships tended to fade away, and I tended to annoy others so much, that I ended up either ghosted, or they snapped at me for my way of being... In a nutshell, I bring out the worst of others sometimes. Back in my early college days... I used to think I was better for not drinking, doing drugs or smoking at all, I used to think those who took selfies of themselves smiling or sharing their happiness were selfish and narcissistic, when in reality... I could've been the one with those traits, as I don't know how to understand self-love at all...

I had, and I still have, many of these defects: codependency, paranoid thoughts of betrayal and thinking others hate me and so on, inability to make nor keep most friendships, pissing people off with my way of being, being condescending (in the sense that I didn't say what I really thought about), making promises without being sure I can fulfill them, talking far too much, being jealous (like thinking I will be replaced/abandoned by other people arriving in some friend's lives and so on)...

Would a person who's truly "good" or "genuine" be able to create so much hatred inside of others? Would someone "good" have in between 25-30 people as either enemies or them disliking you? Would a "good" person fail so miserably in connecting with others? Would someone "good" have their own ideals born as a self-defense mechanism that only changed later on?

Plus... As funny as this sounds, when I told people I might be "different", now I can admit it was a desperate way to finally be accepted and understood, yet I only caused people to think I was some kind of r-word, to be treated with kids gloves, to just be tolerated every once a while, always being told how "kind and cute" I am, only to evenually get avoided, hated and ghosted... In the end, I'm someone who only has self-pity for himself, never learns from his mistakes, and always is looking for other people's support... Honestly, I've been tempted to think everyone else is bad and I'm good, but logically it doesn't makes sense, because, as I said (forgive me if I'm wrong), good people aren't hated by so many others, and I'm sure they aren't like me either...

I think there's a big chance all this time I've been someone manipulative, selfish and so focused in his own pain that I didn't realize I was leaving behind some people who cared until I almost lost them... It's a miracle that I still have good friendships left... Other people have suffered far more than me, they didn't create their own suffering unlike me, yet I still complain about a hell I created with my own decisions... After all, if I've been hated by people, in some cases by not doing anything bad to them (though in some situations I was the one who made the mistake/misunderstanding)... Then what am I?

Can you be a horrible person if you feel guilty about it?

I'm sure, in order to 'sin against the Holy Ghost', or cardinal sin, or something, which is the ultimate sin making you worthy of only the deepest depths of hell, someone important once said that you would never know that you had committed this sin, because in order to sin this gravely, you would be incapable of even understanding the guilt that is necessary in order to understand why what you did was a sin in the first place.

So the fact that you can reflect and understand that you may have been able to do things better, in hindsight, shows that you're AT LEAST not headed for the very deepest depths of hell!!!

Maybe these other people who seem to hate you, aren't carrying their fair share of the load of responsibility for the way things have turned out, and maybe you're carrying more than your fair share - maybe you're carrying some of theirs too, and you need to give it back and say THIS IS YOURS!!!

 

[Water-Lily]

Can you be a horrible person if you feel guilty about it?

I'm sure, in order to 'sin against the Holy Ghost', or cardinal sin, or something, which is the ultimate sin making you worthy of only the deepest depths of hell, someone important once said that you would never know that you had committed this sin, because in order to sin this gravely, you would be incapable of even understanding the guilt that is necessary in order to understand why what you did was a sin in the first place.

So the fact that you can reflect and understand that you may have been able to do things better, in hindsight, shows that you're AT LEAST not headed for the very deepest depths of hell!

Maybe these other people who seem to hate you, aren't carrying their fair share of the load of responsibility for the way things have turned out, and maybe you're carrying more than your fair share - maybe you're carrying some of theirs too!

I resonate with the last part. Sometimes we take on responsibility for things that don't belong to us

 

[Britvik]

Being horrible is part of the human condition I reckon. Everybody seems capable of good and bad. Nature, nurture, luck and circumstance determine just how good and bad each of us is. I think we can always be more good and none of us are perfect. Forgive when you can.

 

[Water-Lily]

Yup. We are all imperfect and hurt others. Intentionally and Unintentionally. My issue is that I jump to suicde whenever I see how fucked my actions are. Because I am used to mistakes being used as a reason for me being abused.

Being horrible is part of the human condition I reckon. Everybody seems capable of good and bad. Nature, nurture, luck and circumstance determine just how good and bad each of us is. I think we can always be more good and none of us are perfect. Forgive when you can.

 

[Britvik]

Yup. We are all imperfect and hurt others. Intentionally and Unintentionally. My issue is that I jump to suicde whenever I see how fucked my actions are. Because I am used to mistakes being used as a reason for me being abused.

Remember to forgive yourself too. It's something I struggle with a lot! We should all be kinder to ourselves, as well as others.

 

[Water-Lily]

Remember to forgive yourself too. It's something I struggle with a lot! We should all be kinder to ourselves, as well as others.

if you hurt and pressure yourself, that extends into how you treat others