Rue89
Visionary
- Feb 10, 2020
- 2,726
As my ctb gets closer I've been thinking a lot about things. Some of these things might seem stupid.
One thing that's really been on my mind is my brother and our complicated relationship. Last week during our vacation he was so nice, which is so strange. Normally he's only nice when he wants something. Most of the time he treats me like I'm beneath him, someone that he can use and abuse. He uses the cruelest words, maybe to siphon his feelings off on me, or just for fun, I don't know. I'm sure he'll be back to normal soon, if he isn't already. I haven't been around him much since we got home so I wouldn't know. But that being said, I have forgiven him. I haven't told him. I thought about leaving a note, but I don't think I could get anything more out except "I forgive you" and I don't think he'd really understand it. While he definitely knows what he's doing a lot of the time I don't think he sees anything wrong with it, and the other part of the time I believe he doesn't even realize what's he's doing to me; he's just so used to treating me like this. I don't think he thinks he's done anything that needs to be forgiven. I think leaving him a note would just complicate things. Besides I forgave him for me, so that I can let go of the things he's done to me, so that I don't have that burdening me when I die. It doesn't mean that his words don't still hurt, but it's easier to let go of them.
I'm also worried about my mom. I know that there's a chance that she might follow me and I feel like a terrible person. I hope she hangs on for my brother and her parents and siblings. I guess that's what makes it easier - that hypocrisy. I'm hoping that with writing this, I can totally get past it.
I'm also worried about how my cat will handle me being gone. I'm guessing he won't realize that I'm dead, he'll probably think I just abandoned him. My mom, brother, and I are the only family I'm sure he remembers (we got him when he was 10 weeks old). I'm the closest to him and he treats me kind of like I'm a cat. He's still so young, 3 years old. I hope he doesn't fall into a depression or something. I hope he can forget about me and move on.
This might sound silly, but after my family the thing I'll (possibly) miss most is music. I say possibly because I hope that I'll be able to listen to all the music I love in Heaven, but I don't know. Honestly I'm glad I didn't ctb before because I got to listen to Taylor Swift's new album before I go. She's my favorite artist and the album is so beautiful. I've been listening to it for most of the day today, and will listen to it as I die. I hope I'll be able to continue listening to it forever.
There's more I was going to say but I'm getting too emotional to put anything more into words. Well now that I've typed these worries and regrets out hopefully I can let them go.
One thing that's really been on my mind is my brother and our complicated relationship. Last week during our vacation he was so nice, which is so strange. Normally he's only nice when he wants something. Most of the time he treats me like I'm beneath him, someone that he can use and abuse. He uses the cruelest words, maybe to siphon his feelings off on me, or just for fun, I don't know. I'm sure he'll be back to normal soon, if he isn't already. I haven't been around him much since we got home so I wouldn't know. But that being said, I have forgiven him. I haven't told him. I thought about leaving a note, but I don't think I could get anything more out except "I forgive you" and I don't think he'd really understand it. While he definitely knows what he's doing a lot of the time I don't think he sees anything wrong with it, and the other part of the time I believe he doesn't even realize what's he's doing to me; he's just so used to treating me like this. I don't think he thinks he's done anything that needs to be forgiven. I think leaving him a note would just complicate things. Besides I forgave him for me, so that I can let go of the things he's done to me, so that I don't have that burdening me when I die. It doesn't mean that his words don't still hurt, but it's easier to let go of them.
I'm also worried about my mom. I know that there's a chance that she might follow me and I feel like a terrible person. I hope she hangs on for my brother and her parents and siblings. I guess that's what makes it easier - that hypocrisy. I'm hoping that with writing this, I can totally get past it.
I'm also worried about how my cat will handle me being gone. I'm guessing he won't realize that I'm dead, he'll probably think I just abandoned him. My mom, brother, and I are the only family I'm sure he remembers (we got him when he was 10 weeks old). I'm the closest to him and he treats me kind of like I'm a cat. He's still so young, 3 years old. I hope he doesn't fall into a depression or something. I hope he can forget about me and move on.
This might sound silly, but after my family the thing I'll (possibly) miss most is music. I say possibly because I hope that I'll be able to listen to all the music I love in Heaven, but I don't know. Honestly I'm glad I didn't ctb before because I got to listen to Taylor Swift's new album before I go. She's my favorite artist and the album is so beautiful. I've been listening to it for most of the day today, and will listen to it as I die. I hope I'll be able to continue listening to it forever.
There's more I was going to say but I'm getting too emotional to put anything more into words. Well now that I've typed these worries and regrets out hopefully I can let them go.
