Venting Some days it hurts and it's just too fucking hard

[GoodPersonEffed]

It's the awareness of things I can't control, fix, or have any real impact on. It's cultures where manipulation and abuse are endemic, really every culture to some degree, and all the social systems within them. It's seeing how the world is being fucked with, and how people blindly fuck with each other. It's knowing that the more knowledge I gain reveals so much, including that I have little to no agency about anything. It's learning that in order to be accepted and get along in close relationships, I have to give up my boundaries -- my self respect, my self; it hurts so much sometimes to be lonely and disconnected, and yet, if I give in, then I return to connecting in ways that don't recognize or respect my boundaries or autonomy, and I can play along and laugh it off for a while, try to see it from compassionate perspectives, detached perspectives, etc., but at some point I return to needing to rise above that or utterly lose my shit. Like if I wanted my parents back. Like the man who runs the convenience store -- the only way to get along is to accept his disrespect because it's more fun for him to call me señorita multiple times every visit, even though I've said I don't like it, said to call me señora. He's just utterly deaf, and if I dare to speak loud enough to get through that, the façade drops and the entitled jerk makes an appearance. I know it's petty, and yet it's not, because it's me who he sees as petty, not the person I am who has worked so hard to rise above what he sees. Whether it's my family, dating, social groups or cultures, if I don't agree with status quo and to go along to get along, there's going to be a fight. So I can continue to rise in the personal development I've been doing for over a decade that helps me separate from what I cannot accept, such as my family's abuse or a culture's abuse or a government's abuse, or I can stop respecting myself, and lose some of myself to be embraced, but there's always pain in the embrace because I am being squeezed out.


I've been at this crisis point for a while. I keep coming at it from different angles. And it comes to this:

I can get the fuck out of this life. It's not going to improve. My situation (that I don't talk about, but has all of these elements) just gets worse. I can (hopefully) end my life and get out of it.

I can take on the challenge of continuing on the path of self-awareness and self-mastery. In Shaolin and other schools of Buddhism, it is climbing the mountain to reach the peak and get a clear view. In Stoicism, it is the rough path that leads to something elevated. It's lonely. I don't know that it's worth it. I suppose if I can't die, then such a path is my goal, but it's lonely, and enlightenment doesn't seem to make things better, just clearer. Whoop-de-do. Then one comes back down the mountain on the same path, with new insight, clearer understanding of the mountain and the vista, maybe of what's beyond it if anything; I don't think there's anything beyond, and is self-mastery/some kind of enlightenment that fantastic? I think what's being revealed is that I've been on this path I'm writing about in this post my whole life, and the awareness of that is the clarity, like a place on the way up the mountain to see the view, see where I've come from, where I'm going. I'm heading, I think, toward a more complete understanding of shit.


But really, as strong and capable as I am, I'm just goddamn sad, tired, sickened and alone. As Montaigne and other Stoics (I think Plutarch) pointed out, there is a point where the virtue of valor becomes a vice when faced with overwhelming, unbeatable odds, and it turns to things like obstinacy and madness. I'm walking that line. I cannot settle for less and lose what I've built up because it is necessary, not a luxury, and, I cannot have more, maybe can't have it at all, not without a constant fight. Both are maddening. It is rational to exit the party, and so defeating and sad.

I can't save myself, and the world doesn't want to be saved or it would have done it long before I came along.

 

[_Kaira_]

This is a significant reason on why I feel the way I do. I don't feel as though I'm allowed to have relationships, friends or whatever, without having to bend over to appease them. Perhaps it's just me since I don't know how to socialize perfectly. But the reason why I am a social disaster is because I don't know how to act around others. I don't know how to talk and keep people happy, so that they don't get p*ssed or whatever. It's either kiss their a**es or they'll probably look at you negatively, and then they will just proceed to walk over you. I hate it!

I can't do anything to make anyone happy long term. Parents, 'friends', relationships, nothing. It sucks so much.


This is a horrible time to be alive. The world will move on without us, and with the way it's going, nothing will get better. I wish things would change, but there's too much of a stigma. If you're considered weak, you're f*cked. No matter how much that may not be true.

 

[Captive of Mind]

This touches me in a deep way. I'm sorry I am not much for words right now, but you moved me enough to want to let you know.

It is clear that you have given all of yourself and more, but it has not been enough so far. I think the reason why this impacts me more than the usual post is because I know you are a veteran of life. You've been up against so many odds and methodically sought out ways to overcome them.

It feels like I'm watching a valiant warrior in battle who sustains wound after wound but keeps fighting, and I mean really fighting. I could see that she does not want to give up, but the enemy is overtaking her.

Much love and respect no matter what happens from here.

 

[Ghost2211]

Exhausting to keep being strong, asserting oneself, maintaining boundaries, expecting basic respect, and just keep going and going and going isn't it?

Much love and respect. I can empathize.

 

[foxdie]

It is rational to exit the party, and so defeating and sad.

I feel this 100%

This whole post really speaks to me but I always find a singular sentence or sentences in your posts that really hit me. My inability to affect any positive change in the world in any meaningful sense is immensely disillusioning.

I have the opposite problem in my interpersonal relationships. I just take the abuse but the outcome is similar I suppose. I completely isolate myself because I just can't deal anymore. I don't better myself like you tho, I don't even try. Your ambition, self-respect, and empathy are admirable.

And then trying to be rational when the world is anything but just breaks me down even more. It seems like the world is destined to be mostly a chaotic mess. It seems dishearteningly fatalistic. I just want the fuck out at this point rather then continue being miserable or trying to feel nothing, repress my empathy (even tho I know that's not possible). I feel like Sisyphus but the gods haven't told me my crime lol. Fml

I'm sorry the world has crushed all of us so fraglently. Sending love your way

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Exhausting to keep being strong, asserting oneself, maintaining boundaries, expecting basic respect, and just keep going and going and going isn't it?

Here's some irony. All the years of work I've done on boundaries, self-worth, assertiveness...I'm finally coming to understand that in the culture where I live, all of that is considered incredibly rude. It's all about the indirect manners and cultural functiong dance here, and it reminded me of something you recently posted that made me laugh: first rule of the dance, don't talk about the dance. I actually said that to a local and he laughed, but he still wouldn't answer any direct questions to fucking help me out. Seriously, people get totally uncomfortable if you ask them to explain the rules of the culture, because nothing is to be talked about directly. Yes means maybe, maybe means no, and no means a challenge to overcome. FML. When foreigners come to the US, Americans are glad to tell them the rules so everyone can get along, because Murica. First rule of Murica, speak English. Second and all subsequent rules of Murica, ask Karen.

Don't get me wrong, fuck Murica, too. But at least, unlike here, the police won't arrest you for knowing the law, or if they do, you'll eventually see a judge about it.

Fuck the world. I want to hug it and cut this shit out, and the world is not into it.

 

[Ghost2211]

Here's some irony. All the years of work I've done on boundaries, self-worth, assertiveness...I'm finally coming to understand that in the culture where I live, all of that is considered incredibly rude. It's all about the indirect manners and cultural functiong dance here, and it reminded me of something you recently posted that made me laugh: first rule of the dance, don't talk about the dance. I actually said that to a local and he laughed, but he still wouldn't answer any direct questions to fucking help me out. Seriously, people get totally uncomfortable if you ask them to explain the rules of the culture, because nothing is to be talked about directly. Yes means maybe, maybe means no, and no means a challenge to overcome. FML. When foreigners come to the US, Americans are glad to tell them the rules so everyone can get along, because Murica. First rule of Murica, speak English. Second and all subsequent rules of Murica, ask Karen.

Don't get me wrong, fuck Murica, too. But at least, unlike here, the police won't arrest you for knowing the law, or if they do, you'll eventually see a judge about it.

Fuck the world. I want to hug it and cut this shit out, and the world is not into it.

That is very interesting that cultural norms are supposed to just be understood rather than learned. Is that just a way of pushing out tourism? Some cultures simply don't like outsiders, or it an issue of you being a female being direct and them being uncomfortable with that?

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

That is very interesting that cultural norms are supposed to just be understood rather than learned. Is that just a way of pushing out tourism? Some cultures simply don't like outsiders, or it an issue of you being a female being direct and them being uncomfortable with that?

No, this is how the culture functions. I've started studying various resources, comparing them to my experiences, and am starting to get a much clearer picture. Part of it is that it's a culture of high manners and face saving, like Japan. Like, if you invite a friend to do something and they don't show up, it's because they knew it was important to you and didn't want to hurt your feelings by saying no -- Mexicans get it, me, it drives me crazy that this is how someone shows love and consideration. Part of it is that it's a high-context culture, where much is understood through body language and oblique communication, whereas the US is a low-context culture, so verbal communication takes precedence and is direct. The most direct cultures are in the Netherlands, then Germany; I would do better there, I could quickly adapt to the extreme bluntness.

Believe me, they don't want to push out tourism. It's one of the main economic drivers, and COVID has been kicking the peoples' financial asses. But they much prefer Canadian tourists to American, because Canadians don't want to step on anyone's toes and are extremely apologetic, and in Mexico there's tons of apologizing to smooth things over. Men are indirect with one another as well, but part of it is the machismo thing, that the one who loses their shit loses. Calling out is shocking and considered crude. Public loss of temper is very frowned upon here, and yet behind closed doors, domestic violence is rampant. Mexico is like this: things are pleasant and calm on the surface, very big on propriety and social graces, but under the surface, there's a whole lot going on, there's a lot of passive-aggressiveness, a lot of going around laws, rules and other boundaries, and you don't dare talk about it. Family and community are incredibly strong, being single and not having kids is shocking, but one has to give up boundaries in order to be included in the groups and not offend everyone (or even have the crap beaten out of them behind closed doors).