Some advice please...ctb this weekend?

[areyousafe??]

I need some advice.

I feel like I'm going to start the 48 hour SN process this Saturday, making my death on Sunday.

To be honest, I'm still on the fence about this. I'm hoping by the time I start, I will be able to go through with it. I will be doing this without benzos, and my SI is strong but I might be able to overcome this by thinking about recent events.

I see my psychologist tomorrow. I asked for an emergency appointment with her and she knows I'm suicidal. But the thing is, I don't even know why I want to see her before I ctb. What do I say when she asks "well, what do you want?"

I want to ctb on the weekend but then again, my SI is strong. I can order benzos to reduce SI but will have to wait a week for it to arrive. If I do it, it will have to be this weekend without benzos.

 

[Jadeith]

What do I say when she asks "well, what do you want?"

You answer: "Help me ffs".
Because part of you seem to desperately cry for help.

 

[soonnotkoei]

do not go into it half-hearted. if you are still on the fence, you can always postpone but if go into it unsure about what you want, you are likely to panic and call for help (also your SI being strong doesnt help in that regards) ending up with possible permanent damage. please take your time to decide first.
either way, wishing you peace.

 

[danny10]

I don't know your situation and I certanly not going to tell you what to do, I'm just sharing my opinion. You have strong SI because a part of you wants to live. That part of you was the one, who asked for a psychologist appointment. In my opinion, you should never rush CTB, it should be a well thought out process. In my opinion, you should stick around for a little more. But again, I respect your decision, whatever you choose to do and I wish you peace fellow SaSu member!

 

[bananaolympus]

Ctb is only for people who have made their mind if you had watched suicide videos you see this people are not in a emotional state, they are relaxed because their suicidal mind overcame their si, i can tell you i got in this weird state of mind in my first attempt, your mind is blank you feel relaxed, you have no emotion, you don't care about anything because you are so at peace, you don't feel you gonna do something major your brain see it like an objective like a work you have to do, that the real suicidal state in my opinion

 

[areyousafe??]

You answer: "Help me ffs".
Because part of you seem to desperately cry for help.

Do I seem desperate for help? I spoke with my friend today, she also told me to tell her to help me. I feel hopelessness, defeated, a lot of fucking despair. I feel ready to go now, but for some reason I still asked to see her before I ctb.

do not go into it half-hearted. if you are still on the fence, you can always postpone but if go into it unsure about what you want, you are likely to panic and call for help (also your SI being strong doesnt help in that regards) ending up with possible permanent damage. please take your time to decide first.
either way, wishing you peace.

It seems like I keep postponing, but it has to be this weekend. I need to do it end of January, otherwise I have to wait until April. My strong SI certainly doesn't help but it's a lot less strong than before. Thank you for your advice.

I don't know your situation and I certanly not going to tell you what to do, I'm just sharing my opinion. You have strong SI because a part of you wants to live. That part of you was the one, who asked for a psychologist appointment. In my opinion, you should never rush CTB, it should be a well thought out process. In my opinion, you should stick around for a little more. But again, I respect your decision, whatever you choose to do and I wish you peace fellow SaSu member!

I have strong SI mainly because I am a coward. I agree you should never rush ctb, but this is not an impulsive decision. I think you are correct that my SI is why I asked to see her. I wish you peace as well, thank you for your response

 

[Jadeith]

I spoke with my friend today, she also told me to tell her to help me. I feel hopelessness, defeated, a lot of fucking despair. I feel ready to go now, but for some reason I still asked to see her before I ctb.

That's clear indication, for me that at least, that some part of you wants to fight, to stay, to get better.

It seems like I keep postponing, but it has to be this weekend.

No. It doesn't. It can be if that's what you want but it's still a choice. If you, no matter the reason, feel pressured then remember this. Scam emails always contain pressure to make you do sth stupid. I'm not saying that ctb is stupid or not but doing it under duress is not a good idea. If you feel pressured then someone or something is scamming you. Maybe it's some person, maybe it's your mind. CTB is one way so i strongly recommend against performing it because of an impulse. Another thing worth remembering - you can always do it some other time, should you firmly believe that's the proper course of action.

I have strong SI mainly because I am a coward.

That's no cowardice. That's very natural response. You shouldn't be ashamed of it.

 

[areyousafe??]

That's clear indication, for me that at least, that some part of you wants to fight, to stay, to get better.

No. It doesn't. It can be if that's what you want but it's still a choice. If you, no matter the reason, feel pressured then remember this. Scam emails always contain pressure to make you do sth stupid. I'm not saying that ctb is stupid or not but doing it under duress is not a good idea. If you feel pressured then someone or something is scamming you. Maybe it's some person, maybe it's your mind. CTB is one way so i strongly recommend against performing it because of an impulse. Another thing worth remembering - you can always do it some other time, should you firmly believe that's the proper course of action.

That's no cowardice. That's very natural response. You shouldn't be ashamed of it.

Tbh, I think the only reason I'm still around is because I'm scared. I've always been afraid of how final death is, and the process required to achieve it. With SN, I'm no longer scared of the process. But there's always a flicker of hope that things might get better.

I discovered SN when I came across KL in the news, which led to me to try to find out what this "chemical" was, led me to more news articles about SN. I came across a news article about a girl who lived in my country who ctb with SN and it mentioned Sasu, which I was under the impression was banned and blocked. So here I am.

The reason I wanted it in January is because of family. My sister lives in a different state but she is visiting next week, and I was hoping she can get all the legal stuff sorted to make it less stressful for my mum, because I've named her my Executor.

I'm also feeling upset about some recent events and I think this is a perfect time to leave. But as you can see, I'm still in two minds and I see my psychologist tomorrow.

 

[Jadeith]

Tbh, I think the only reason I'm still around is because I'm scared.

I think that you are here because you still got fight in you and, as you wrote, flicker of hope. That's why you reached out to your therapist. Everyone is scared, more or less. It's natural. But still usually not enough if someone's determined to ctb because of lack of hope or other reasons.

As for your sis arrival - executor or not, legal stuff takes time to sort out and one visit probably won't be enough. And if she's your exe, she will have to deal with it anyway. And your mum will be stressed shitless because of your departure, legal stuff or not.

I'm also feeling upset about some recent events

Again, acting on the impulse is not recommended. That's why guns after break up are so fucking scary. Person gets upset, person does sth irreversible and there are accounts that some people refrained from ctb after break up by waiting 'till emotions go down. If "current events" upset you, whatever they might be, wait 'till the anger passes and events change. Whatever or whoever caused those events, won't be punished by your departure. Only you will suffer the consequences. CTB as a form of revenge on your surroundings usually doesn't work as intended.

 

[areyousafe??]

I think that you are here because you still got fight in you and, as you wrote, flicker of hope. That's why you reached out to your therapist. Everyone is scared, more or less. It's natural. But still usually not enough if someone's determined to ctb because of lack of hope or other reasons.

As for your sis arrival - executor or not, legal stuff takes time to sort out and one visit probably won't be enough. And if she's your exe, she will have to deal with it anyway. And your mum will be stressed shitless because of your departure, legal stuff or not.



Again, acting on the impulse is not recommended. That's why guns after break up are so fucking scary. Person gets upset, person does sth irreversible and there are accounts that some people refrained from ctb after break up by waiting 'till emotions go down. If "current events" upset you, whatever they might be, wait 'till the anger passes and events change. Whatever or whoever caused those events, won't be punished by your departure. Only you will suffer the consequences. CTB as a form of revenge on your surroundings usually doesn't work as intended.

Yes, you are correct that the legal stuff will take a while to get sorted. I was also hoping my sister will be there to support my family because I know that my mum will be upset.

I wasn't planning to ctb as revenge. By upset I mean more like unhappy. My psychiatrist told me to contact his office if I feel close to attempting, and I did call. It's been a few days now and I feel absolutely gutted that he hasn't called. I've been seeing him for almost 20 years and thought he cared. Pretty sure this will make me overcome the strong SI. And I also got fired last year and it's made me realise how much of a failure I am.

 

[Jadeith]

It's been a few days now and I feel absolutely gutted that he hasn't called.

I understand that it feels absolutely debilitating and being neglected. But, keep in mind that shit sometimes happen and current situation might not be as you think. Close friend of mine had something similar - they thought they had an appointment, arrived at the designated place and time and no one was there. I urged them to wait until actual contact with the therapist could be established and in the end it turned out it was software error and their calendars did not get properly synced.
Please, do not assume that you are being ignored by the very person that is supposed to help you, until you make actual contact and ask for explanation. Especially when you have long term medical relationship with this person.

And I also got fired last year and it's made me realise how much of a failure I am.

People get fired all the time. Economics worldwide went to shit and we all take the fall. It doesn't mean you are failure any more that it means that your employer is one, by failing to keep you employed. Every coin has 2 sides. Some of them even more when it comes to human affairs.

 

[areyousafe??]

I understand that it feels absolutely debilitating and being neglected. But, keep in mind that shit sometimes happen and current situation might not be as you think. Close friend of mine had something similar - they thought they had an appointment, arrived at the designated place and time and no one was there. I urged them to wait until actual contact with the therapist could be established and in the end it turned out it was software error and their calendars did not get properly synced.
Please, do not assume that you are being ignored by the very person that is supposed to help you, until you make actual contact and ask for explanation. Especially when you have long term medical relationship with this person.



People get fired all the time. Economics worldwide went to shit and we all take the fall. It doesn't mean you are failure any more that it means that your employer is one, by failing to keep you employed. Every coin has 2 sides. Some of them even more when it comes to human affairs.

You are a kind person in taking the time to try to make me see things in a different light.

It wasn't a question of economics for them. It was because I wasn't good enough. I worked as a paralegal, but I only achieved my law degree because my psychiatrist was kind enough to help me get special consideration through university (due to depression). Otherwise, I doubt I would have graduated. I always thought it will be okay because I will put in twice the amount of work, I did free overtime just to make up for my weaknesses.

I have a problem of wanting documents to be perfect which interferes with productivity. I am also emotionally fucked and they realised this when I couldn't hold back crying. I get very anxious in social situations which made it stressful to work in an office where everyone is listening to you (it was a very client focused law firm). So they fired me, halfway through my probation period, because I wasn't good enough. I was that bad that they even PAID me the last 2 weeks to NOT WORK. After being fired, tried another job but resigned because of my intense emotions...could not stop crying at work when people came to the realisation that it was a mistake hiring me.

 

[Jadeith]

Firing you because of emotions is a bitch move, especially when you mostly work with the documents and you have documented professional treatment. Look, you got a kind of disability. Employers strive to make workplaces accessible for people on wheelchairs or with other problems or conditions. I'm sure that if they weren't assholes, they could adjust your workplace to minimize possibility of emotional outburst. Like quiet and secure corner of the office, slightly dimmer lights, extra padding in the cubicle or hearing protection. I know that these adjustments can be made ie for autistic people and they work just fine. At least in companies that promote inclusivity for impaired.

I have a problem of wanting documents to be perfect which interferes with productivity.

Nothing that couldn't be worked on i'm sure, should you were provided with enough time and training/counseling. Of course, it won't happen overnight and it's easier to replace person than give them time and training - that's why i think so lowly of your former employer.

 

[areyousafe??]

Firing you because of emotions is a bitch move, especially when you mostly work with the documents and you have documented professional treatment. Look, you got a kind of disability. Employers strive to make workplaces accessible for people on wheelchairs or with other problems or conditions. I'm sure that if they weren't assholes, they could adjust your workplace to minimize possibility of emotional outburst. Like quiet and secure corner of the office, slightly dimmer lights, extra padding in the cubicle or hearing protection. I know that these adjustments can be made ie for autistic people and they work just fine. At least in companies that promote inclusivity for impaired.


Nothing that couldn't be worked on i'm sure, should you were provided with enough time and training/counseling. Of course, it won't happen overnight and it's easier to replace person than give them time and training - that's why i think so lowly of your former employer.

The first time I asked for performance feedback, the managing solicitor told me that it was too soon for feedback. In my termination letter, they wrote that "Despite our efforts to support you and provide guidance, we have not seen the improvement we were hoping for" which seemed strange to me because I did ask a few times for feedback, and each time he told me that it was too soon for feedback. I knew I was inferior compared to other people, but I always thought if I put in time and effort I would be able to somehow make up for what I lack.

I'm super sensitive, and if I thought someone (eg, solicitor I worked for) was mad at me, I fall apart emotionally. A look of frustration would have me crying and sleepless until I see that they are no longer mad at me.

My intense emotions affect my work, that's why I prefer to wfh. I had a wfh job last year which still fell apart because there was still 2 days I needed to do in the office.

My psychologist suggested employers who are happy to make adjustments, but this is not really disability, I am just a weak person who cannot deal with criticism. I was also stupid enough to admit to my first employer that I had depression, and he said that "we wouldn't have employed you had we knew about this". So I now try to keep my mental health a secret.

It's now 3.30am and I cannot sleep because I am feeling anxious about seeing my psychologist.

Thank you for your kind words, and to everyone who responded to me tonight. I am feeling a lot better than I was, my mood has lifted after speaking to Sasu members.

 

[Jadeith]

but this is not really disability

I beg to differ. Your condition prevents you from functioning in common social environment, disabling proper human-to-human interactions. Usually can be helped but takes a lot of practice and will. Meanwhile i'm sure you'll be able to find suitable work environment.