DepressedAngel
Life is exhausting
- Dec 4, 2019
- 146
it's been about eight months since my last real post. obviously i'm here, i didn't kill myself, and i'm in "recovery". that brings me to my main question with this post. specifically for my situation (and possibly for others like me), what is recovery?
i have this somewhat irrational thought that my psychiatrist (and others influencing my medications), are using them to control me. it's not easy to "help" someone who has the severe mood swings, mood episodes, impulsivity and other symptoms that come with bipolar. while i understand what they are doing to "help" me; i'm not totally clear on what the final, end result is. is it to make me into a perfectly functioning member of society? someone with emotions level with the rest of the population, "normal" creativity levels, able to hold down a steady job to contribute "just like everyone else"? essentially, a puppet?
i asked my psychiatrist these questions. she told me that she has heard her patients (especially those with bipolar) ask her many times about creativity levels, managed moods, and the effects of taking medications on stabilizing their day to day life. i won't lie, as she talked i was reassured that this was all in my best interest. i need to be stable to be happy. however, she eventually told me, "your episodes have life-threatening risks associated with them. however, you also have intense emotions that those without bipolar do not experience. by taking your medications and remaining stable, you will most likely lost those intense emotions. you definitely won't have your intense highs and lows anymore. that is the point of the medication. so weigh the benefits and the risks, and decide which is most important to you." the obvious and implied answer was to take my medication, remain a good little puppet, and go back to therapy.
i didn't immediately go with the easy, implied answer. i'm still thinking about it. i've always been one to take risks. my emotions are, of course, important to me. i'm not ready to lose the intense emotions i've always had. i already value my life very little; so would it be such a crime to go off of my medication to experience life more fully? the cost of that could be losing my life. what is more important to me, however, is my relationships with friends who have become family. it is more likely i would lose those relationships; either as a result of my symptoms, or at the simple fact that i would not be society's ideal puppet any longer.
i'm honestly not sure what i'll decide. i was wondering if anyone else struggles with these feelings, or similar ones? any input, whether you have experienced this or not, would be greatly appreciated. i hope everyone has a lovely day/night, and always feel free to pm me if you need anything at all.
i have this somewhat irrational thought that my psychiatrist (and others influencing my medications), are using them to control me. it's not easy to "help" someone who has the severe mood swings, mood episodes, impulsivity and other symptoms that come with bipolar. while i understand what they are doing to "help" me; i'm not totally clear on what the final, end result is. is it to make me into a perfectly functioning member of society? someone with emotions level with the rest of the population, "normal" creativity levels, able to hold down a steady job to contribute "just like everyone else"? essentially, a puppet?
i asked my psychiatrist these questions. she told me that she has heard her patients (especially those with bipolar) ask her many times about creativity levels, managed moods, and the effects of taking medications on stabilizing their day to day life. i won't lie, as she talked i was reassured that this was all in my best interest. i need to be stable to be happy. however, she eventually told me, "your episodes have life-threatening risks associated with them. however, you also have intense emotions that those without bipolar do not experience. by taking your medications and remaining stable, you will most likely lost those intense emotions. you definitely won't have your intense highs and lows anymore. that is the point of the medication. so weigh the benefits and the risks, and decide which is most important to you." the obvious and implied answer was to take my medication, remain a good little puppet, and go back to therapy.
i didn't immediately go with the easy, implied answer. i'm still thinking about it. i've always been one to take risks. my emotions are, of course, important to me. i'm not ready to lose the intense emotions i've always had. i already value my life very little; so would it be such a crime to go off of my medication to experience life more fully? the cost of that could be losing my life. what is more important to me, however, is my relationships with friends who have become family. it is more likely i would lose those relationships; either as a result of my symptoms, or at the simple fact that i would not be society's ideal puppet any longer.
i'm honestly not sure what i'll decide. i was wondering if anyone else struggles with these feelings, or similar ones? any input, whether you have experienced this or not, would be greatly appreciated. i hope everyone has a lovely day/night, and always feel free to pm me if you need anything at all.
