Social Isolation

[AlmondButterSmoothie]

i've spent a good chunk of my life alone. puberty really changed the way i maintain relationships. while i do get a lot of attention from others, i've had very few close friendships growing up. the close friendships i've had growing up resulted in the friend becoming insecure and seeing me as a threat: the friend finds a lover and for some reason, their lover would develop feelings for me. sometimes, even my close friends would fall in love with me instead. it sounds really silly to vent about, but it does explain my reasons for solitude. i'm not even all that great, but i think what makes me desirable is the fact that just about anyone thinks they have a shot with me.

sometimes i can appear to others as intimidating, so i try my best to act like an idiot and reassure others that i'm not all that scary as I appear to be. often this results in me being taken advantaged of. if i do try to stand up for myself, people are completely scared and can't be themselves around me. i can't stand an environment where people are uncomfortable. there really is no real solution, i think i am just in the wrong environment. i have been compatible with my surroundings before in life, so i'm sure.

If i stand up for myself or "be myself", i risk being isolated from society and intimidating others, end up alone.
if i ignore, and dumb myself down for other people's comfort, i risk getting taken advantage of, end up alone.

i'm sure there needs to be a balance. i'm really tired of trying to be on good terms with everyone. i don't give a shit anymore.

 

[MysticPerception]

I think you should be you. You say you'll be alone but I think the reality is the people who take advantage of you are no friends at all and your real friends will be the people who see past your intimidation and like you for who you are when you really be yourself. Take it from me, I wore a mask for a long long time and the only thing that did was hurt me and those around me. I don't bother anymore, and I feel so much better and I have real friends that like me for who I am and not some facade I've created. Either way, I hope things start to look up for you.