Discussion Social blunders and rudeness and social anxiety.

[Forever Sleep]

I have a handful of painfully embarassing moments where I not only made a social faux pas or, false step but, I would have come across as outright rude. Even worse is when others have noticed and naturally must have thought- Why the hell would she or wouldn't she do that? It's so weird to try and defend because I hate rudeness so- you'd think that would be enough to make me say something.

I'll give an example. The company I worked for took us all out to dinner which was so kind but kind of hell for me seeing as I hate eating in front of people. We all ordered and they mistakenly gave me the wrong drink. I didn't realise until I'd taken a swig. Then, obviously the person who should have got it noticed and spoke up. But, for some ridiculous reason, I didn't want to say anything. Partly because I'd already drunk a bit. I clocked that someone else had noticed- I'd ordered water and my drink was starting to fizz. But, that's a typical example.

I don't totally and utterly hate myself for it but I feel excruciatingly uncomfortabe about stuff like that. More, I don't fully understand myself sometimes. It's like- I don't want to speak up and make a fuss or inconvenience people but then, I fully realise that not doing so will ultimately make matters even worse and yet, I still do or don't do whatever it is. It probably sounds ridiculous to most people but I'm guessing there are going to be one or two here that understand?

 

[Redacted24]

Yep! Empathize with this very much. The really ironic part of this for me is that while I make my share of faux pas, there are so many times when someone else's error or omission makes me look bad at work or life and instead of saying something to correct the perception that I'm inept I'll just let it go, not wanting to make things worse.
I'm trying to stand up for myself more but being out of practice I can come across as aggressive or whiny. I'm aware of that, and consciously work on presenting the facts dispassionally, "sorry that (office) wasn't aware of this plan. I looked in my records and it seems that facilities didn't include me on the plan. I'll reach out to them to avoid this again, but you should also."

In my mind I'm hearing Katy Perry "Roar" even though I just want to run and hide.
It's worse when it's my mistake but I try and own it, and acknowledge to others that I recognize the error and appreciate their understanding.
That's just me.

 

[alienfreak]

Things like that happen to me almost every time i am in a social situation, it is terrible. My brain can't function well at all due to anxiety so it's like a dice roll how i will instinctively react to something. The more important the event is, the more bizarre and awkward i will be. I can easily imagine doing the same as you in the drink situation and it is a mild example that i think is normal.

 

[lapislazu]

This is extremely relatable. As the previous commenter said, this also happens to me in nearly any social situation. Even during my physical therapy sessions, I'll come across as extremely rude (or sometimes stupid) for actually trying to avoid an inconvenience or social interaction. For me, it comes because my anxiety is into overdrive.

I don't even realize I'm anxious and making a faux pas, it's just already happening.

 

[alienfreak]

This is extremely relatable. As the previous commenter said, this also happens to me in nearly any social situation. Even during my physical therapy sessions, I'll come across as extremely rude (or sometimes stupid) for actually trying to avoid an inconvenience or social interaction. For me, it comes because my anxiety is into overdrive.

I don't even realize I'm anxious and making a faux pas, it's just already happening.

Yeah it all happens so fast for me, and i can't apply any logic in the moment, so it isn't clear to me how it can be improved with something like therapy. I already forgive myself for my mistakes and try to not ruminate on them. I can try to shut down and be silent/motionless to avoid saying/doing the wrong thing but that obviously backfires too.

 

[lapislazu]

Yeah it all happens so fast for me, and i can't apply any logic in the moment, so it isn't clear to me how it can be improved with something like therapy. I already forgive myself for my mistakes and try to not ruminate on them. I can try to shut down and be silent/motionless to avoid saying/doing the wrong thing but that obviously backfires too.

Exactly! Whenever I think being silent will save me, it just ends up making the interaction much more awkward or makes me seem shy or aloof.

I've brought this up with my therapist, and although she's explained why it's happening (brain is perceiving normal interactions as threats/survival situations and subsequently forces our body to react before our mind can evaluate and make a better decision), I've never really found a way to stop it unless there's a pause in the moment and I have a few seconds to reflect. My therapist's advice is to take a second during the interaction to collect your thoughts, and to take slow deep breaths throughout interactions to regulate yourself (also releasing tension in your body by walking or shaking it out, but this usually isn't natural in the moment). I've tried practicing this in real life, and literally paused before reacting in real conversations, and it actually helped but only in more familiar or comfortable situations. As you said, I think its super helpful to not ruminate on specific interactions, and instead I think about how certain interactions did go well (which are few and far between lol but I hold on to them).

Also, for what it's worth, my therapist also said social anxiety is much more likely to make us think we're flailing and constantly doing "the wrong thing", when other people actually aren't picking up on it in a lot of these situations. Also, I realized that a lot of people do weird/awkward shit too, but I'm not aware of it because I'm so fixated on what I'm doing wrong or trying to be normal.