Venting Social anxiety disorder and loneliness

[cheese fries]

I have debilitating social anxiety disorder. I have never been normal and have always struggled to fit in. My social anxiety has always been bad but it started getting extreme around middle school. I started to stutter, blush excessively, and sometimes even cry when talking to people and I kind of got bullied for it a little bit. Now it effects my personal relationships. I have an extremely hard time holding conversations with people and in groups, I can never get myself to talk. I never know when the appropriate time to join in a conversation so I just sit there listening to everyone like a fucking loser. Even if I did know I probably wouldn't because nothing I say matters anyways. It also effects my daily life in other ways too. When I have to go to the store, I have to sit in the parking lot for 30 minutes to prepare myself to go in. When I go inside I become extremely scared for no reason and am on the verge of a panic attack the whole time. When it is time to check out, if there is no self checkout and I have to speak to a cashier I will start uncontrollably shaking and have a hard time swiping or inserting my card without dropping it multiple times and it is extremely embarrassing. I genuinely don't think that this will ever get better. It's horrible and I feel like such an embarrassing loser. I contemplate suicide every single day and at this point it seems like the only option.

 

[Pluto]

This sounds awful. I relate to it to a lesser degree. The worst part is when it leads to social faux pas which lead to embarrassment, and even more social anxiety in a vicious circle.

I have no personal experience, but anti-anxiety medication does exist. Therapy may be helpful as well, since it is ultimately a kind of thought disorder. I've found that focusing on physical fitness has helped bring a bit more confidence, too.

 

[misanthropism]

i can personally relate to your issue on some extent due to my very quiet natural voice. raising my voice is just so uncomfortable but most people always tell me to raise my voice and speak up. definitely many awkward social exchanges and i also avoid talking to cashiers so i generally just dont go to stores, also my confidence outside is so inconsistent around social interactions and eye contact, it feels so tiring. your experiences definitely sound like a nightmare

 

[Zetsubou]

I can relate to an extent as well. While my social anxiety isn't as bad, I still have moments when it feels like I'm about to have a panic attack when I'm at a store, so I try to get my shopping done as fast as I can. I also feel awkward whenever I talk to people, though I've managed to mask it somewhat so it's not too obvious. A lot of conversations end with me replaying what I've said and wishing I had said something else, even if what I've said isn't that big of a deal, but my stupid brain makes it a big deal anyway.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really awful what you have to go through, it's just so incredibly cruel and unfair how life tortures people so much. But anyway, I wish you the best and I'm sorry that you are trapped in this situation.

 

[shy]

My anxiety is pretty bad, and has been for a long time. I had the same issue with shaking when paying, I don't have it that much anymore, since I can just touch the machine with my card rather than have to insert the card. I also always carry around a bunch of cash, since one of my fears is having my card get declined and not be able to pay for stuff. Knowing that I have enough cash to pay for whatever I intend to buy gives me peace of mind. Might be worth doing if you have similar fears.

Growing up with social anxiety fucked up my whole socialization and I think even if I woke up tomorrow completely cured of anxiety, I'd still be awkward af.

My anxiety manifests in uncontrollable shaking, sweats and heart palpitations. I can get it under control with betablockers, don't know if I would recommend jumping on them since you'll walk around like an amphibian and they haven't made me better only barely functional.

 

[Dolphin55]

My anxiety is pretty bad, and has been for a long time. I had the same issue with shaking when paying, I don't have it that much anymore, since I can just touch the machine with my card rather than have to insert the card. I also always carry around a bunch of cash, since one of my fears is having my card get declined and not be able to pay for stuff. Knowing that I have enough cash to pay for whatever I intend to buy gives me peace of mind. Might be worth doing if you have similar fears.

Growing up with social anxiety fucked up my whole socialization and I think even if I woke up tomorrow completely cured of anxiety, I'd still be awkward af.

My anxiety manifests in uncontrollable shaking, sweats and heart palpitations. I can get it under control with betablockers, don't know if I would recommend jumping on them since you'll walk around like an amphibian and they haven't made me better only barely functional.

what do you mean by walking round like an amphibian, lol? Also I'm surprised if you say if you can get the shaking, sweats and heart palpitations under control with these meds that it hasn't made you better...I'd hope that if you got the symptoms under control you'd no longer feel so anxious and unable to do things, but maybe it doesn't work like that. Just asking as I have a lot of anxiety too and it's the bane of my existence

 

[shy]

what do you mean by walking round like an amphibian, lol? Also I'm surprised if you say if you can get the shaking, sweats and heart palpitations under control with these meds that it hasn't made you better...I'd hope that if you got the symptoms under control you'd no longer feel so anxious and unable to do things, but maybe it doesn't work like that. Just asking as I have a lot of anxiety too and it's the bane of my existence

Betablockers decrease your blood pressure and heart rate, is what I meant with the walking around like an amphibian part. ^^

Even if I get all the symptoms under control, it doesn't stop my mind from blowing everything out of proportion. Not to mention that I get anxiety about the meds, like what if they suddenly stop working? Or, what if I don't have enough? It's completely irrational and I know that, but I can't stop myself. No matter how many times my fears get proven to be unnecessary. To be fair I think a lot (and I mean a LOT, since it would have to correct years of anxiety driven behaviour) of exposure therapy would work, there's just no way I'd push myself hard enough.

 

[AloeGarten]

i feel the exact same as you described, ive been shy my whole life but i also started to get real bad around middle school. social anxiety so severe and dehabilitating that i cant function around other people, cant make friends or hold any kind of a relationship. sure i can force myself to socialise, but i cant force myself to relax or enjoy it or act natural. i also overthink everything, can never seem to speak up in a conversation without second guessing myself and staying quiet, the awful mental and physical symptoms of the anxiety from something as simple as going into a shop. i still feel like a kid, i know for a fact this wont get better and my future is inevitably bleak and lonely. nothing much else to add, just saying i completely relate to everything you said, i know how much this shit sucks. therapy and meds are useless, the only thing thats helped is benzos but theyre only temporary, once they wear off im back to baseline. theres no way someone can live a long or happy life like this, it really does feel hopeless