Venting So yea my life is over

[Scacie]

Remember my post a few days where I described how I was debating if I should use the psych referral to give living a chance? Yea forget that lmao.
Anyways, yall probably know how my mom found my HRT meds a few days ago. It seems like today she finally found out that they were hormones, and 'told' me about it.
In the span of 5 minutes, she managed to say I'm a biological male, have XY chromosomes, called trans thai people 'freaks', deadnamed Elon Musk's trans daughter, said how me taking these meds will cause liver and kidney failure and how it will destroy this shithole called 'home' about 3 times. Its honestly kinda impressive looking back. Oh how could I forget the cherry on top? She also threatened to call the cops. This time, it seemed legit. She also suggested the reason I'm taking HRT is because someone mistreated/ abused me in the past.... How ironic
Oh and her conclusion to me taking HRT? Its because of my acne... Yea, I'm not sure how she came to that conclusion, while also describing how she had acne when she was my age in the same sentence
When she insinuated how I was taking HRT because of abuse, I kinda... lost it. I just exploded and described lots of the abuse I received when I was young, from them. They are too painful to describe now, but I kinda lost self control then and managed to say lots of it. Unfortunately she is chinese and my chinese isnt very good, so I can't describe the full extent of my pain. Oh well.
In the past I would fantasize about revenge on them, and one form of revenge was me dumping each and every one of my trauma on them, and watch them beg for forgiveness. It was cathartic. Eventually though, I realized that they almost certainly won't do that and this is just a fantasy. I realized they would just deny, and deflect, and never admit any wrongdoing. This exactly happened.
In my loss of control, I also said about how much I wished my 'dad' choked on his food, and how much I regretted saving him when he did so.
With everything I threw at her, she bascially implied that I will be out once I'm of age. Luckily the offical adult age in the country I live in is 21, so I can't be legally kicked out...yet.
But guess who will be a broke mentally ill college student in 21 if she dosen't CTB?
So yea, I guess my life is over. Today basically confirmed that I have no future and will basically be homeless at 21 if I dont CTB. Ya know, I never particularly believed in higher powers, but I definitely asked for a sign on what to do couple days ago, and today whatever higher powers out there gave me a sign alright.
It sucks that I can't spend the final few weeks at peace, but at least I finally know what to do. Thank god my SN is probably arriving tomorrow. Unfortunately my AE's still need a few weeks, but am I glad that I can finally CTB and be at peace soon.

 

[Zetsubou]

I am so sorry that this is happening to you and that your family has treated you horribly. Is there a shelter that you can go to or a friend's house that you can stay at? I know that you've made up your mind, but I'm here to talk if you want to. I also fall under the trans umbrella, and it upsets me greatly when I hear about parents mistreating their trans kids.

 

[Scacie]

No, not really. I live in a super LGBT phobic country so probably no shelters. Being homeless isn't my immediate problem though. They can't legally kick me out yet. And yea, I have made up my mind. I'm not sure if I can get out of this. Even if I do somehow survive, I certainly can't afford the surgeries I need for a long time, and I dont want to suffer that long.
I'd love for someone to talk to though, so you can DM me. Thank you!

 

[PurpleParadigm]

Can you get student loans with a side job and afford a cheap dormitory? There are LGBT friendly shared houses advertised where I live and job you can take in uni/the uni town. Universities should be keen to get LGBT folks involved and may have support communities for you to join.

My life blew up for different reasons when I was in uni also and I was an inch away from also being broke and homeless. Had some time where I couldnt afford to eat. But used these resources for help.

 

[Scacie]

Yes, I can probably get student loans. In theory, I can get a side job while in uni, but I'm unsure if I can hold it with my mental illnesses. Unfortunately LGBT housing are probably non existent. I have the misfortune of being born in Singapore.
Thank you for the advice, but I'm sorry for sounding so pessimistic, but I just want to give up. Yes, I can maybe do that, but I just want to go at this point. Not sure whats the point of staying when I live in a shit country, have so many mental illness weighing me down, and not have anyone to support me. I'm so sorry to disappoint, but I think I'm going to take the easy way out at this point. If life truely wants me to go on, then they won't throw me this curveball when I'm even slightly on the fence.
I'm just too tired, ya know?

 

[tuyu]

Yes, I can probably get student loans. In theory, I can get a side job while in uni, but I'm unsure if I can hold it with my mental illnesses. Unfortunately LGBT housing are probably non existent. I have the misfortune of being born in Singapore.
Thank you for the advice, but I'm sorry for sounding so pessimistic, but I just want to give up. Yes, I can maybe do that, but I just want to go at this point. Not sure whats the point of staying when I live in a shit country, have so many mental illness weighing me down, and not have anyone to support me. I'm so sorry to disappoint, but I think I'm going to take the easy way out at this point. If life truely wants me to go on, then they won't throw me this curveball when I'm even slightly on the fence.
I'm just too tired, ya know?

Personally for me, what keeps me going is to move out of my current shithole and I stay outside for as long as possible so I don't interact much with mine. I can't relate with the lgbt sentiments, though my parents will say some other nasty shit as well but I'll be like whatevs man I'm gonna do it anyway / it's my own money you have no say.

 

[tuyu]

Btw @Scacie if you somehow need a listening ear you can pm me, I can relate to you abt the shitty parents part, I rly do. I think it's very normalized esp in Asian households. Infact my friend who had their sibling ctb even said that their mom would throw items at them if the kids did something wrong, and even left them outside of the house and not give them food. I was so shocked when I heard these because it's literally child abuse. But I hate how because it's normalized in the culture, people who are still "affected" and "traumatized" by it are kinda looked down upon in our society… sigh

 

[Scacie]

Btw @Scacie if you somehow need a listening ear you can pm me, I can relate to you abt the shitty parents part, I rly do. I think it's very normalized esp in Asian households. Infact my friend who had their sibling ctb even said that their mom would throw items at them if the kids did something wrong, and even left them outside of the house and not give them food. I was so shocked when I heard these because it's literally child abuse. But I hate how because it's normalized in the culture, people who are still "affected" and "traumatized" by it are kinda looked down upon in our society… sigh

It really does. I'm going to sleep soon so maybe we can talk sometime tomorrow. Thank you. Though I might not want to talk about the abuse I got. It usually sends me spiralling just by thinking about them, and today tirade was certainly an exception

 

[tuyu]

It really does. I'm going to sleep soon so maybe we can talk sometime tomorrow. Thank you. Though I might not want to talk about the abuse I got. It usually sends me spiralling just by thinking about them, and today tirade was certainly an exception

I'm actually in the same time zone as you, so just pm me whenever! I'll check in again tomorrow but not sure exactly what time as I'm super busy and stressed with my day job too ugh. Will find the time to come on here for sure though maybe while commuting or smth

 

[PurpleParadigm]

Yes, I can probably get student loans. In theory, I can get a side job while in uni, but I'm unsure if I can hold it with my mental illnesses. Unfortunately LGBT housing are probably non existent. I have the misfortune of being born in Singapore.
Thank you for the advice, but I'm sorry for sounding so pessimistic, but I just want to give up. Yes, I can maybe do that, but I just want to go at this point. Not sure whats the point of staying when I live in a shit country, have so many mental illness weighing me down, and not have anyone to support me. I'm so sorry to disappoint, but I think I'm going to take the easy way out at this point. If life truely wants me to go on, then they won't throw me this curveball when I'm even slightly on the fence.
I'm just too tired, ya know?

You aren't disappointing anyone. I can relate to a lot of this. Having been born in Russia my ADHD, anxiety and depression were left undiagnosed and untreated because of stigma. In addition to that I have suffered from a desease which was rare for that country and it left me with physical disability even though it didn't need to.

My family situation was very different, but with some hard and confusing times. Wanted to just giuve up but I have persevered out of stubborness? Something like that. So to that end I would suggest just going for it, take the job, if you fail then you fail - it's already harder for you than others. However by the time I did this I was in a western country, I don't think I could do the same in Russia. Assuming SG has similar issue with stigma of LGBT/mental health and much more demanding working environment it could be much trickier for you.

I guess what I'm saying is, if you want to try to do something, there will be plenty of people who will tell you you're not cut out for it, no need for you to join their ranks too. Like, fuck it just try it. Have you considered checking out the local Meetup? There seem to be a fair few support groups who may be able to help you get out of your predicament https://www.meetup.com/topics/lgbtfriends/sg/

Even though this path has led me to CTB regardless, when or if I do take my life I think I will be more satisfied to go than if I did it earlier.

 

[body_snatcher]

I'm sorry, I wish we didn't live in such an evil world.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so horrific what you've had to go through and it's understandable just wishing to finally be at peace from all the suffering that this life brings. I wish you the best.

 

[m0lly]

I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm also from a fucked up household so i can feel ypur pain. Any child deserve Parents. But not every parent deserve a child. Parents like this shozld die alone

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I'm sorry your mom was so horrible and bigoted about this (and a lot of the other people where you live). It's not your fault you were born without getting to choose what gender you are beforehand. Also, whatever higher powers you've been talking to should probably cut back a little when people ask for a sign. They went a little overboard.

said how me taking these meds will cause liver and kidney failure

If it was true that the meds did those things, then she probably shouldn't be giving you any ideas about alternate ways of using them. No idea if she's pro-life or anything like that, but if she is, then she isn't very good at being one.

 

[PurpleParadigm]

It's always funny how ppl scare you about meds when literally anything can cause damage in the right amounts. As if all the meds an elderly person takes don't have side effects smh.

 

[tuyu]

You aren't disappointing anyone. I can relate to a lot of this. Having been born in Russia my ADHD, anxiety and depression were left undiagnosed and untreated because of stigma. In addition to that I have suffered from a desease which was rare for that country and it left me with physical disability even though it didn't need to.

My family situation was very different, but with some hard and confusing times. Wanted to just giuve up but I have persevered out of stubborness? Something like that. So to that end I would suggest just going for it, take the job, if you fail then you fail - it's already harder for you than others. However by the time I did this I was in a western country, I don't think I could do the same in Russia. Assuming SG has similar issue with stigma of LGBT/mental health and much more demanding working environment it could be much trickier for you.

I guess what I'm saying is, if you want to try to do something, there will be plenty of people who will tell you you're not cut out for it, no need for you to join their ranks too. Like, fuck it just try it. Have you considered checking out the local Meetup? There seem to be a fair few support groups who may be able to help you get out of your predicament https://www.meetup.com/topics/lgbtfriends/sg/

Even though this path has led me to CTB regardless, when or if I do take my life I think I will be more satisfied to go than if I did it earlier.

When you mention western country, does it means something like the US or Europe? Is it really relaxing to work where you are?

I think in SG, even though the younger generation (millennials onwards) are definitely more open toward topics such as seeking therapy and such, I don't think they are open to the extent of ctb & chronic depression. Most of them have a traditionalist mindset of their life being like this — they were born, going to school, get good enough grades for a local Uni, apply for public housing while you're still in Uni (borrow money from parents or work part time while you're studying), get a mid to high tier job at an established startup which is probably already had series C or more level of investnent Rounds/bank/investment bank, get married to your Uni friend, finally your public housing is ready so you move in, have 2 kids, retire and die. Basically any life trajectory outside this cycle is perceived as "abnormal".

There's definitely lgbt/ queer/ trans communities in sg, but those are very fringe groups of people who know each other from word of mouth (I had some Facebook friends who were part of those communities, saw a couple of them even rent an apartment together at the age of 18-20 lmao)

 

[Scacie]

Hey, an update. The fallout from yesterday continues. She subjected me to another 30minute tirade of transphobia. She also completely denied any of the abuse I talked about yesterday, and suggested I have brain damage for having dissociative amnesia.... Brilliant stuff really.

Good news though, I just collected my SN today, and AE's should arrive in a week or two. Can't wait.

 

[tuyu]

Hey, an update. The fallout from yesterday continues. She subjected me to another 30minute tirade of transphobia. She also completely denied any of the abuse I talked about yesterday, and suggested I have brain damage for having dissociative amnesia.... Brilliant stuff really.

Good news though, I just collected my SN today, and AE's should arrive in a week or two. Can't wait.

I wish I could help in some way but unfortunately I know I can't in reality unless it involves a third party intervention, w the third party telling your mom to "wake up her idea pls "