Discussion So what's next? (goals, purposes, and quarter-life crisis)

[catowice]

Or, if you get where I'm taking this line from, how to party at the end of meaning?

My high school and college life wasn't the best, but I had something to look forward to working for. You may have already guessed what I'm facing is known as "Quarter-life crisis", which, quoting from wikipedia which again quotes from someone, is "a period of insecurity, doubt and disappointment surrounding your career, relationships and financial situation".

I am actually employed and doing quite well financially (relationship-wise somewhat well), and while I do have something to look at, life feels blurry as it is without. Haunting me are the glooming thoughts like "there's nothing left in this world for me, so what am I still doing here"? But then if there are many people who goes on with a positive vibe, what am I missing? What is it that I can still look forward to running towards, even though I feel like I'm (semi-)fresh graduated but my life outlook feels as bleak as a 90-year-old?

This is intended to be more in-depth than this forum post, although I have no idea if I posted this in the right subforum.

Thanks for reading! Do tell your stories here if you want to, I love reading stories!

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

The "now what?" question is probably the one that has given me more trouble throughout my life. One of the reasons for that, I suspect, is that we grow up being fed the wrong ideas, and in particular, the idea of looking for "happiness."

The trouble with seeking happiness is that happiness itself is not really a thing. It is not something achievable, but rather a state of being. To paraphrase Schopenhauer, happiness is negative because it can only exist as absence. Just like feeling well rested is simply a state that results from a lack of exhaustion, or feeling safe results from a lack of danger in your surroundings, happiness is simply the absence of suffering. And just like you can never be permanently well rested or feeling safe, you also can't ever be permanently happy. It's a state that comes and goes in response to the events that happen in your life.

So, once you are in a position where you supposedly have all the ingredients for a "happily ever after"—a job, a partner, financial stability, you realise that the "happiness theory" doesn't provide any answers. "Sure, I have this, but now what?"

Instead of focusing on happiness—admittedly, a more desirable state than suffering—we ought to consider the question of meaning. Meaning, as it turns out, is quite different from happiness. It's not well understood yet, but there are reasons to believe that, while happiness always tends to regress towards a baseline (we get used to the things that make us happy and crave more), doing things that we perceive as meaningful tend to produce a cumulative effect, which results in longer-lasting states of happiness. Think, for example, about something nice you've done for someone even though you didn't have to. I'm sure that, even if it was a while ago, thinking about it gives you a warm, fuzzy feeling. Because it was something meaningful, and meaningful actions compound over time.

I'm inclined, then, to answer the question of "now what?" with a different type of question. What do you find meaningful? What could you do that feels like a good use of your time and energy, and that is likely to evoke that warm feeling 20 years from now? The answers, of course, are vastly different for everyone. But I think that considering those types of questions is a good place to start.

 

[whywere]

You are just starting on a wonderous journey, believe me. I am 66. reference point, and you have the world by the tail. When I was your age, I was still figuring my path out and you have so many building blocks of a starting life out in love, business (work/position), just take some time, relax a bit and think it through. I made learning experiences, not mistakes, and moved forward and did well and so will you, my awesome friend.

I am so, so happy for you, and you are a winner, hands down.

Go get em!

Sending you lots of love, hugs and the knowledge that you a wonderful soul.

Walter

 

[jodes2]

You need to practice spotting negative thoughts that are inaccurate, and replacing them with more positive thoughts. Like "there's nothing left in this world for me" is very rarely accurate. Even if it's somewhat true, there are usually small things that can be done to improve it. But normally it's black or white thinking, unhelpful and leads to very negative thinking. Try modifying it, into a more realistic, more positive thought. Something that gives you a way to feel better about what you do have and what you can do to improve things further. Quarter life crisis doesn't have to be a long drawn out thing that spells doom, it can be very temporary if you use what you have to move forward and achieve things you want. Sometimes it just needs some creativity how to find contentment.

I've had a lot of ups and downs, especially when I was your age. I tried 4 different universities! I failed the first one, computer science, and didn't have the willpower to retake tests, because I did so badly I couldn't possibly pass a second time. So I started a new course, business studies. My gap year employer didn't like that so they fired me. The course went ok until I missed an exam. I lost the plot and gave up the course. I wasn't going to be satisfied with just getting 40% in a module I worked really hard for. In retrospect I should have done the retake, but my mental health wasn't great. I'd also just broken up with my gf so wasn't in a good place. I then stayed at my dad's for a while, just being all depressed. But I decided, I could make my own business at home so I started doing web design. That worked for about a year but I struggled to get new business. I got depressed again. Then I recovered and went on a mental health nursing course. It was HARD. The placements were really tough, and the essays were tough. My social skills weren't up to scratch and I struggled and dropped out after just 6 months. So I went back home to my dad's again. More depression. Then I started a home study degree with open university. Again in computer science. But once again I just lost interest, the assignments were too much like hard work. That was the last course I ever tried. And I never had a job again, either. I've had depression on and off since then, surviving by being on disability benefits. I've had therapy which has helped with the social anxiety and negative thoughts. Now I'm hoping to start a club night to keep myself busy and entertained, and I might start a Reddit alternative too. I doubt it'll make any money but it'll keep me busy and bring some satisfaction hopefully. I still have demons ton conquer but things do seem easier 20 years later. I'm just glad I have disability benefits! I live at my girlfriend's flat, I met her 10 years ago in a psychiatric hospital funny how things work out. I'd been feeling very suicidal but the moment I met her things really improved. We're still together and quite happy now, helping each other with our mental health problems

 

[catowice]

I'm inclined, then, to answer the question of "now what?" with a different type of question. What do you find meaningful? What could you do that feels like a good use of your time and energy, and that is likely to evoke that warm feeling 20 years from now? The answers, of course, are vastly different for everyone. But I think that considering those types of questions is a good place to start.

Yeah it's quite difficult when all you have are intrusive thoughts. "What do you find meaningful" doesn't help when you're pondering about the meaning of meanings, but the "20 years from now" is a good one, and I especially like how you phrase it a lot better than the classic "where do you find yourself in X years" interview question.

Matter of fact, your answer as a whole is a very good paraphrasing to my initial question. My perspective is quite limited, and my mind isn't in its prime anymore (believe me on this even if it still seem up and running quite well), so this is sort of what I'm looking for in questions like these, other line of thoughts and such.

You are just starting on a wonderous journey, believe me. I am 66. reference point, and you have the world by the tail. When I was your age, I was still figuring my path out and you have so many building blocks of a starting life out in love, business (work/position), just take some time, relax a bit and think it through. I made learning experiences, not mistakes, and moved forward and did well and so will you, my awesome friend.

I am so, so happy for you, and you are a winner, hands down.

Go get em!

Sending you lots of love, hugs and the knowledge that you a wonderful soul.

Walter

You sure do know how to comfort someone do you? X) Very much expected coming from that age. Thanks for the kind words

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

Yeah it's quite difficult when all you have are intrusive thoughts. "What do you find meaningful" doesn't help when you're pondering about the meaning of meanings, but the "20 years from now" is a good one, and I especially like how you phrase it a lot better than the classic "where do you find yourself in X years" interview question.

Matter of fact, your answer as a whole is a very good paraphrasing to my initial question. My perspective is quite limited, and my mind isn't in its prime anymore (believe me on this even if it still seem up and running quite well), so this is sort of what I'm looking for in questions like these, other line of thoughts and such.

Yeah, it's easy to get into a bit of a confusing mess when we start asking questions, and then asking questions about the questions, and so on. I certainly do that myself a lot :) The thing about thinking of something that could give you fuzzy feelings if you remember it in 20 years seems better than "where do you see yourself?" to me, because I rarely have an idea of what my life will be like a couple days from now, let alone 5 or 10 or 20 years. Instead, it focuses on what you think and feel right now, which is not nearly as esoteric though it's still not a trivial question to answer.

I also quite liked @whywere's answer. It's a very interesting and useful perspective.

In a funny—dare I say meaningful coincidence, I was listening to a discussion about this very topic just yesterday. I'll leave it here for you, if you're curious. "On the insignificant question of meaning."

 

[catowice]

You need to practice spotting negative thoughts that are inaccurate, and replacing them with more positive thoughts. Like "there's nothing left in this world for me" is very rarely accurate. Even if it's somewhat true, there are usually small things that can be done to improve it. But normally it's black or white thinking, unhelpful and leads to very negative thinking. Try modifying it, into a more realistic, more positive thought. Something that gives you a way to feel better about what you do have and what you can do to improve things further. Quarter life crisis doesn't have to be a long drawn out thing that spells doom, it can be very temporary if you use what you have to move forward and achieve things you want. Sometimes it just needs some creativity how to find contentment.

It is very easy to immediately understand your comment as instantly refuting all of the listener's points, and going for a generic "you need to be positive by removing the negatives" answer. You also provide no evidence or anything that makes your view any objective. This is a red flag for you forcing your opinions on others.

You need to practice spotting negative thoughts that are inaccurate, and replacing them with more positive thoughts.

This is a very general statement that doesn't apply to the speaker for "who are you to decide what's accurate", and is non-helpful for the listener for the very reason this thread exists. The reason I'm asking this question is because real-world evidences are against me, so I took the dare to challenge my own thoughts here. I'm looking for answers and perspectives, not self-help tips that can be found anywhere online.

Try modifying it, into a more realistic, more positive thought.

This is a blatant "try getting better" answer.

Quarter life crisis doesn't have to be a long drawn out thing that spells doom, it can be very temporary if you use what you have to move forward and achieve things you want. Sometimes it just needs some creativity how to find contentment.

Life doesn't have to be a long drawn out thing that spells doom, it can be very temporary if you use what you have to move forward and achieve things you want. Sometimes it just needs a million dollars to find contentment. Sometimes it can be as simple as throwing myself off a building and the problem is solved in 10 seconds. Sometimes it can be literally anything.

I'm sorry, your story is great, but I can't take any of your advices seriously X) If I sound aggressive here, it's fully intentional that I'm showing the same level of aggression that I'm perceiving you as right now.

 

[jodes2]

It is very easy to immediately understand your comment as instantly refuting all of the listener's points, and going for a generic "you need to be positive by removing the negatives" answer. You also provide no evidence or anything that makes your view any objective. This is a red flag for you forcing your opinions on others.



This is a very general statement that doesn't apply to the speaker for "who are you to decide what's accurate", and is non-helpful for the listener for the very reason this thread exists. The reason I'm asking this question is because real-world evidences are against me, so I took the dare to challenge my own thoughts here. I'm looking for answers and perspectives, not self-help tips that can be found anywhere online.



This is a blatant "try getting better" answer.



Life doesn't have to be a long drawn out thing that spells doom, it can be very temporary if you use what you have to move forward and achieve things you want. Sometimes it just needs a million dollars to find contentment. Sometimes it can be as simple as throwing myself off a building and the problem is solved in 10 seconds. Sometimes it can be literally anything.

I'm sorry, your story is great, but I can't take any of your advices seriously X) If I sound aggressive here, it's fully intentional that I'm showing the same level of aggression that I'm perceiving you as right now.

Whatever. I just tried to help. Some people actually appreciate my advice. But some people are just fucking ungrateful