So unsettled. (BPD

[Livingvsdying25]

Getting stuff done. Living in the present. Being honest with myself. I am empty as fuckkkkkk and I hate it. I hate to admit it. I hate being in it. I didn't choose to be. I fight so hard not to be. My efforts don't feel worthy bc... I still feel empty.

I am trying...

(BPD/ CPTSD/ADHD/Eating disorders it all fucking sucks.

My sleep is shit so like honestly emotions are heavyyyyyyy. I deal. I don't take it out on anyone. I talked to people. I opened up.

I try not to think about it like this but... goddammit what have I done to deserve this like why?
Why am I still so hurt even when trying. I know nothing gets better right away but.
I'm trying I dunno maybe I just don't feel like it's enough.


Anyone with BPD can relate? Any stories of how ya deal? (If ur comfortable sharing)

I'm going to like smoke/chill/eat try to find things that are relaxing/comforting and maybe funny.

I don't wanna be a burden while trying to cope. I know I come first but still.

Dunno today will try my best to find my own peace and comfort.

 

[Squiddy]

My sleep has been hell lately. I either under sleep or over sleep thanks to my meds. Right now, I'm trying to deal with the sleeping issue by figuring out which med causes excess sleepiness

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Today I feel extra extra sensitive. I needa do me.. the staff that is here


The workers I talked to about BPD(they noticed and I was like duh) said here is like a hot pot for me... which is true. Having BPD/CPTSD ETC and being an empath can be hell with other people in my living space.
They also told me that they'd rather see me "needy"(I was talking about being worried about being needy)
So tryna take in that offer with staff who's energy I can vibe with.

I am giving myself space for that.


The staff that is here for the night is awsome. I want a hug and ima ask her for few.

Its ok to be empty and its ok to fill it. (I think) this is new for me to be so deeply honest with myself. I used to be. It was always my goal. Its why I started writing in diaries. (I have a collection from ages 6-now(22)

That vulnerability led me to shit tho. So I have built myself up to be perfectish outside. I used to be like that as a preteen. Changed as a teenager. got hurt and abused more so from people that weren't family. Now here I am young adult.... i will try but I will be careful...

I just want a hug today tho. I hate needing things. Being a basic human with needs is like 10× more intense. Its not wrong. Regardless of the stigma. We all deserve love.