Venting So tired

[Panna]

Just got back from that dc rally with my dad and my brother. The entire time, all I could think of was how happy the people with friends looked, mainly the girls. Even after the rally, going around town and seeing the locals hanging out not being afraid to be seen in public together, that's all I could think of and it just wouldn't end. I'm not a perverted creep by any means, but it just made me jealous, I keep asking why does my personality keep me friendless, why was I born into a outlook that makes me so jealous. To be clear, I don't feel like I'm owed anything, I'm not going to attack a random person because they look happier than I do. Even on this site though, I try to be friendly, and I just don't understand what I am doing wrong. Do I not respond enough when a person shares their own problems? Am I pushing too far? Friendship is not owed as a result of kindness, because that isn't kindness, I understand this. To add, when I interact, I really am just trying to be nice, I don't want anything out of it, so please don't take my words as that. The last two days these thoughts have just intensified as a result of that trip. The entire time I felt like tossing myself in front of a bus or shouting a racial word and potentially getting myself shot. I don't even care if I do it myself anymore as long as it happens. I apologize for the mix and mash of words in post, I really just wanted to get my thoughts out of my head.

 

[_Kaira_]

It really is horrible to feel like an alien within society. I can barely go outside without feeling so tense and feeling like something horrible is going to happen. Eyes staring like they are judging the whole time. I find it hard to normally converse with random people without a stutter. I all too frequently look at others to give answers for me when I'm asked a question (i.e, at a restaurant, picking up meds...etc). I don't have friends IRL myself. I usually drive them off one way or another. Honestly? I'm personally happier without them. Too much drama. Too much feeling of obligation to make them happy.

We all have our own problems, friend. Even those on SS. I lurked for a long time because I was way too scared to post anything. Still somewhat scared to make my own threads, and I only really do when I'm feeling at my worst or at my best. You are doing absolutely nothing wrong. Do what makes you feel comfortable, as long as you're not breaking rules or hurting others (obviously).

You are not obligated to respond to anyone, to be fair. You're not doing anything wrong by not posting a lot or saying a lot. You can talk to us whenever you want for however long you feel.

However and whenever you plan to CTB, if you do. Just plan it out carefully, and don't act on impulse.

 

[peacechoice]

I understand completely. I treat people nicely and try to engage, but somehow they don't engage back. It's so weird. I really do try. I just don't know. Please feel free to chat me up. I'll be happy to respond. I honestly feel the same way!

 

[Panna]

Eyes staring like they are judging the whole time. I find it hard to normally converse with random people without a stutter. I all too frequently look at others to give answers for me when I'm asked a question (i.e, at a restaurant, picking up meds...etc). I don't have friends IRL myself. I usually drive them off one way or another. Honestly? I'm personally happier without them. Too much drama. Too much feeling of obligation to make them happy.

I'm sorry that you live in a similar situation, like literally you described me, all the way to feeling so nervous about a decision that I take any cue I can get to decide. You know, it's funny, having spent a week inside a apartment with no one but myself, and only going out when everyone was likely to be inside I was fine. I could pretend like I was the only one alive and it was so peaceful. It's only when I had people move in that I started getting jealous and feeling like I was missing out on something. I wonder if it's something like that for you. In any case, I appreciate you taking the time to give some comfort, thanks alot.

I understand completely. I treat people nicely and try to engage, but somehow they don't engage back. It's so weird. I really do try. I just don't know. Please feel free to chat me up. I'll be happy to respond. I honestly feel the same way!

I kinda feel embarrassed, I make this, and when offered a chance, I don't know what to respond with. I really appreciate you offering, I might take you up on your offer. Sorry if that came out as a half assed response.

 

[_Kaira_]

You know, it's funny, having spent a week inside a apartment with no one but myself, and only going out when everyone was likely to be inside I was fine. I could pretend like I was the only one alive and it was so peaceful. It's only when I had people move in that I started getting jealous and feeling like I was missing out on something. I wonder if it's something like that for you. In any case, I appreciate you taking the time to give some comfort, thanks alot.

I rarely go outside. I unfortunately am forced to live in the same house as some others and share a room. I wish I had the luxury of being alone for more than an hour or 2. I can see what you mean by jealousy. I too, get envious seeing others live day to day naturally. Of course, there is bound to be a lot of others who are depressed as well. But for the majority, I do feel like such an outsider when it comes to society. I honestly don't know how everyone else does it. I wish I could live so carefree as a lot of others do.

No problem. For a lot of us, we're all we have. If we can't give unconditional support to each other, who can?

All the best