Venting So tired

[shallow]

I'm so tired... Tired of thinking, my thoughts, short nights.

The only thing what is keeping me here are my twins. But sometimes that is not enough. When my thoughts are out of control, when they sleep at night, I have to force myself to not do anything.

Last night I called the psychiatrist for help. It felt like I was loosing my mind, he said 'the feeling is normal 'cause you are griefing'. So I guess, me wanting to die, is normal? This morning I had to go to the doctor. He was worried, not about me but the children. Believe me, they have everything. Every evening a fresh meal, a shower, we cuddle, we talk, we play.. But when they are going to bed then my time starts. And that's what is slowly killing me.

I already made short video's for the children, written letters, planned my funeral, ordered SN, have all the medication... But according to them it is normal?!

My date is later this year. I really hope that I can change before that time, otherwise I will be gone in around.6 months. And I'm scaring myself for the thought I can't left them behind. But it is selfish to take them with me. They deserve so much better. They deserve a life... It a battle that won't stop in my head. I'm just tired.......

Excuse for my English :)

 

[theguineapigking]

That is very sad to hear. I'm very sorry.


When the psychiatrist said it was normal,is it because you've lost someone recently? (You said something about grieving..if so,I offer my sincere condolences)If that is the case,then it can be normal to feel this to some extent. But not as common for it to be to the extent you do. I implore you to seek help. Explain to the psychiatrist exactly how you feel. Go to someone else if he won't listen or isn't interested for some dumb reason. Sometimes the brain serotonin level is low. There are meds that can increase that. But meds don't always help(trust me,I know.). Seeing a therapist can be useful for some people. But try something,anything. I completely understand thinking about suicide. But you have 2 kids. Is it not worth it to try anything you can first? Im not undermining your pain or suffering. That's what makes it so hard. I hope you have friends or family that would support you and help you out with maybe watching the kids so you can focus on trying to heal.





In the meantime,we're all here for you if you need to talk. I also am here if you need to vent or chit chat.



I really hope you find meaning or happiness.

 

[faust]

I will be brief.
First of all, sorry for such a life you deal with... This is painful when you become alone and have to think about all the things happening in your life.
At the same time they think that suffering and grieving is normal. Like okay, you just suffer while I will be drinking a cup of tea with my family. I don't know, maybe they just have a template and according to it, they speak?

 

[shallow]

Every week I talk to 2 different psychiatrist and they have a team called intensive home treatment. Those people are at my home 2 times each week. So 4 times a week I have to talk to someone.

Yes, I lost my husband in january. But I always struggled with depression. Not like this.... The pain right now is to heavy.

 

[theguineapigking]

I cannot begin to imagine how difficult that must have been for you.

I know nothing I say will help you,which really does make me sad. Please just try to hang on for a little while longer. Have they put you on any meds yet? I really can't imagine how difficult this is for you. I think you're stronger than me for sure. Just please try to hang in there and see if anything helps or if you feel better. At least you have an easy out now,right?(SN) So hopefully you don't have to feel as trapped.


Have you looked into any Facebook forums or something equivalent that has other moms going through a similar situation? Maybe you could connect with them,the ones that could truly understand you.


I really do wish you well. I may just be a random guy on the internet,but I do care.

 

[LMLN]

I'm so sorry for your pain. I also lost my husband, I know the pain is horrible. PM me anytime if you would like.

 

[shallow]

I'm so sorry for your pain. I also lost my husband, I know the pain is horrible. PM me anytime if you would like.

I cannot begin to imagine how difficult that must have been for you.

I know nothing I say will help you,which really does make me sad. Please just try to hang on for a little while longer. Have they put you on any meds yet? I really can't imagine how difficult this is for you. I think you're stronger than me for sure. Just please try to hang in there and see if anything helps or if you feel better. At least you have an easy out now,right?(SN) So hopefully you don't have to feel as trapped.


Have you looked into any Facebook forums or something equivalent that has other moms going through a similar situation? Maybe you could connect with them,the ones that could truly understand you.


I really do wish you well. I may just be a random guy on the internet,but I do care.

Thank you

I'm already on meds... Lorazepam 4x a day and quitiapine 2x a day.

I found a group on the internet but I wish I had their grief. Mine is not normal. I know it 'cause I work in the mental health care myself :(