Venting So tired of the pain and trauma just want it to be over

[BirdNamedRose]

So I guess I'll give a little insight as to what led me to this point, been depressed for a few years now, been trying to keep myself together but something always happens to knock me down just when I recover. I could start with the abuse I went through as a child. How everything was always my fault even if there was no way it could've been. Never good enough for my father, bullied throughout middle school. The troubles of high school were nothing compared to what I'm going through now.

A few months ago I had an amazing opportunity to work for a really good company seemed like my last chance to get a job and make my parents proud only for me to screw up, lose my tempter, get fired and have my boyfriend break up with me in the span of a few hours. Tried to CTB but survived and ended up in a mental hospital that made me feel like I died and went to hell,

Started to go to therapy and for the first time in long time started to feel hopeful I could recover and be happy again, was getting the help I needed and was starting to pull my life together little by little. And then a few weeks ago I went to a bar around my B-day, got spiked and had a old guy twice my age use me like a toy for a weekend. Tried to go on with my life and forget, only to find out he gave me a STD and I'll have to deal with it for the rest of my life. My mom doesn't seem to understand or care, makes it seem like I'm being so stupid for feeling so horrible and that I should just get over it, don't have insurance to see doctors for help. In so much pain right now and I honestly wanted to go to the hospital earlier just for my family to stop me cause we can't afford it. I'm done, just so done. I know there's a few good reasons to stay but I just want the pain to be over.

I'm tired of fighting, I just want to sleep, I want to dream and never wake up. I'm starting to think I don't care what happens anymore I just want peace. I could CTB any second if I wanted to. But I think SI keeps me from going through with it. Wish I could just sleep and never wake up, just doze off real peaceful. Wish my family cared a bit more

 

[YungWetto]

I can understand how you feel. Therapy in my case ruined what little mental sanity I had, I quit a few weeks ago and fired my psychologist.

I can't wait to be able to leave forever. The End never comes for the broken ones and that is unacceptable.

My interaction with life has only made me sick and that doesn't help anyone.

I hate this. I hate fighting it every day. I can't work, have a social life and I just want the pain to go away, in fact, I like to sleep, it takes me away from the pain I have when I wake up.

I hope you rest in peace one day

 

[Pluto]

I'm really sad to hear about what you've been through. I know what it's like having parents who are impossible to please, but being subjected to that level of abuse is on another level. I wish I could have been there to protect you. What kind of a world is it where we must die, yet demons like that are out there?

 

[The anhedonic one]

So I guess I'll give a little insight as to what led me to this point, been depressed for a few years now, been trying to keep myself together but something always happens to knock me down just when I recover. I could start with the abuse I went through as a child. How everything was always my fault even if there was no way it could've been. Never good enough for my father, bullied throughout middle school. The troubles of high school were nothing compared to what I'm going through now.

A few months ago I had an amazing opportunity to work for a really good company seemed like my last chance to get a job and make my parents proud only for me to screw up, lose my tempter, get fired and have my boyfriend break up with me in the span of a few hours. Tried to CTB but survived and ended up in a mental hospital that made me feel like I died and went to hell,

Started to go to therapy and for the first time in long time started to feel hopeful I could recover and be happy again, was getting the help I needed and was starting to pull my life together little by little. And then a few weeks ago I went to a bar around my B-day, got spiked and had a old guy twice my age use me like a toy for a weekend. Tried to go on with my life and forget, only to find out he gave me a STD and I'll have to deal with it for the rest of my life. My mom doesn't seem to understand or care, makes it seem like I'm being so stupid for feeling so horrible and that I should just get over it, don't have insurance to see doctors for help. In so much pain right now and I honestly wanted to go to the hospital earlier just for my family to stop me cause we can't afford it. I'm done, just so done. I know there's a few good reasons to stay but I just want the pain to be over.

I'm tired of fighting, I just want to sleep, I want to dream and never wake up. I'm starting to think I don't care what happens anymore I just want peace. I could CTB any second if I wanted to. But I think SI keeps me from going through with it. Wish I could just sleep and never wake up, just doze off real peaceful. Wish my family cared a bit more

This was very upsetting to read about what you have been through.
The cruelty of some people is beyond comprehension to me.
Nobody should ever have to endure what you have been through.
Having unsupportive parents is something I can relate to: my Mother was a narcissist.
Having parents invalidate your suffering is emotionally devastating.
I can never get my head around how people can behave like this.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's heartbreaking.

 

[BirdNamedRose]

I think i'm about to find out what awaits us all in a minute, you all take care and much love. I hope its nice

 

[Unattainable666]

I understand exactly how you feel!! Every time I feel as if there is a light at the end of the tunnel, the tunnel collapses and I am driven to such deep depression and anxiety - it's overwhelming. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, but please know that your feelings are acknowledged and understood.

 

[hopelessdreams]

ive had the same abuse as a child from my father, it really sucks and im sorry you had to go through that too. it leaves you scarred for life, making your trauma responses activate in situations that seem so small to other people, to the point they think you're just being dramatic. but that's your body fighting.

 

[Pluto]

I think i'm about to find out what awaits us all in a minute, you all take care and much love. I hope its nice

How are you going there? Are you still with us?

 

[BirdNamedRose]

Yea sitting in a bed at the ER

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so awful what you've been through, it's horrible how humans create so much suffering in this world and of course it's really understandable just wishing to sleep, I always wish for eternal sleep, at least for me the only relief lies in death. But anyway best wishes.

 

[Pluto]

Ouch! Keep us posted. Thinking of you.

 

[BirdNamedRose]

I got to do all the things i wanted to, so it's ok now, I got my ticket time to catch the bus. My hope was stolen from me and i hate the man responsable i curse him. It'd be so fast. Damm texas and their stupid Roe, vs. Way or whatever they overturned. I once said last time, "I don't know where i'll end up, heaven, hell, the void fuck maybe i'll be isekai'd I don't care anymore!"