Venting So scared of failing

[sadghost]

So I've spent a lot of time thinking about CTB. That got me thinking ... what if I don't succeed. Of course I'm going to try my very best not to fail but there is always a small chance.

If I'm somehow found I will need medical attention and undoubtedly be admitted to a psych ward involuntarily. I've been there before and it is Hell on earth.. I truly cannot imagine going back.. My family will know that I am "struggling" and make it 100000x worse. They will be super nice to the medical staff but yell at me behind closed doors. It'll be history repeating itself. I'll be forced on any and every medication possible, therapy, and under lockdown/observation under the false premise of "because we care." I don't even want to think about how long it'll be before I can try again.

I can already envision the horrific result of a failed attempt. I want to go so badly, oh I just hope that this one time everything goes according to plan.

 

[falloutcarter13]

I can totally relate. Its the worst feeling in the world when you make the decision, you act on it, you're finally going/gone...and then you wake up and you're still here, and in an even worse situation than before. God, its horrible. I'm right there with you, my biggest (and maybe only) fear right now is failing. I *cannot* afford to fail this time, I just can't. For me, making a detailed plan to minimize the risk of failure is comforting. Sending you psychic hugs and love and understanding.

 

[bigdog]

Yeah if I somehow survive SN and become even more brain damaged it would suck

 

[falloutcarter13]

Yeah if I somehow survive SN and become even more brain damaged it would suck

From what I've read, there's little to no risk of permanent brain or body damage from a failed SN attempt. At least according to PPH (unless I'm completely misremembering.) So...there's that

 

[sadghost]

I can totally relate. Its the worst feeling in the world when you make the decision, you act on it, you're finally going/gone...and then you wake up and you're still here, and in an even worse situation than before. God, its horrible. I'm right there with you, my biggest (and maybe only) fear right now is failing. I *cannot* afford to fail this time, I just can't. Sending you psychic hugs and love and understanding.

I'm so sorry, I empathize deeply. Thank you for your kind words! It is such a shame how people who are already struggling and in so much pain are treated. I wish you nothing but peace

 

[bigdog]

From what I've read, there's little to no risk of permanent brain or body damage from a failed SN attempt. At least according to PPH (unless I'm completely misremembering.) So...there's that

I mean if you have serious hypoxia and then survive somehow wouldn't be the same if someone took you from the rope in the process? I have read the report a person was breathing 3 times an hour

 

[lostangel]

I'm very sorry OP. That is also why I'm considering jumping as the spot I'm choosing is over 500ft. I'm really scared to do hanging as the chance someone will walk by me in the 30 minutes I will need.

I know people won't sympathize with us and will demonize us that is also a hard part about wanting to ctb. I suggest finding a method that will guarantee a death like a very high cliff for jumping. I know jumping isn't for everyone but it's a suggestion.

 

[sadghost]

I'm very sorry OP. That is also why I'm considering jumping as the spot I'm choosing is over 500ft. I'm really scared to do hanging as the chance someone will walk by me in the 30 minutes I will need.

I know people won't sympathize with us and will demonize us that is also a hard part about wanting to ctb. I suggest finding a method that will guarantee a death like a very high cliff for jumping. I know jumping isn't for everyone but it's a suggestion.

I've looked into the methods and eventually chose SN & I'm currently in the process of getting all the materials to ensure CTB. I definitely understand where you're coming from and while jumping is quick I'm terribly afraid of heights + there is no viable spot to reliably jump from here

It really is unfortunate how our society responds to suicide.. we have to jump through all of these hoops just to suffer one last time to even get a chance at finding peace

 

[heraclitus]

sadghost, you are ==not== a failure! Every day you plan, and hope you are a winner. I've done the psych ward trip so I empathize and understand.

However this plays out, good luck!

 

[falloutcarter13]

I mean if you have serious hypoxia and then survive somehow wouldn't be the same if someone took you from the rope in the process? I have read the report a person was breathing 3 times an hour

I probably shouldn't have commented at all tbh, I've only been researching SN for a few days now. All I can say for sure...from the reading I have done, mostly personal accounts of failed attempts, the person wakes up with a headache and some puke puddles to clean up, but no permanent damage. I remember thinking it was odd too, but I kept coming across it, and I have yet to find a single report of someone reporting permanent damage from a failed attempt with SN. I read some thin explanation about how the brain is the last organ to be deprived of oxygen with the SN method, but I'm no doctor and can't verify the validity (or even find the source at this point lol.) Look into it yourself, you'll see what I mean...its a strange phenomenon, to be sure, that such a (relatively) reliable poison doesn't cause lasting damage. I know *I* plan on investigating more myself before finalizing my plan. If you find out something different than I did, please share! =)

 

[Living_Hurts_so_Much]

So I've spent a lot of time thinking about CTB. That got me thinking ... what if I don't succeed. Of course I'm going to try my very best not to fail but there is always a small chance.

If I'm somehow found I will need medical attention and undoubtedly be admitted to a psych ward involuntarily. I've been there before and it is Hell on earth.. I truly cannot imagine going back.. My family will know that I am "struggling" and make it 100000x worse. They will be super nice to the medical staff but yell at me behind closed doors. It'll be history repeating itself. I'll be forced on any and every medication possible, therapy, and under lockdown/observation under the false premise of "because we care." I don't even want to think about how long it'll be before I can try again.

I can already envision the horrific result of a failed attempt. I want to go so badly, oh I just hope that this one time everything goes according to plan.

Having failed on my only attempt last yeat (wrist cut), I can tell you it sucks. Not only did I end up in the pshyc ward but now people look at me like I'm crazy. (Maybe). If I fail again......

 

[lostangel]

I've looked into the methods and eventually chose SN & I'm currently in the process of getting all the materials to ensure CTB. I definitely understand where you're coming from and while jumping is quick I'm terribly afraid of heights + there is no viable spot to reliably jump from here

It really is unfortunate how our society responds to suicide.. we have to jump through all of these hoops just to suffer one last time to even get a chance at finding peace

the good thing about SN is that if you are found I don't think the damage is permanent.

 

[YellowSneakers]

Failure would be disastrous. The ramifications would only compound an already untenable situation.
Any attempt I make at CBT must be serious & not just a half-hearted expression of my current mental/emotional distress.