So over everything

[PIBlackfoot]

I haven't posted until now. One day I'm
Fine, the next I'm ready to end it all. I can't be on this roller coaster anymore, I just can't. I have a plan in place, all the necessary items, my children is what's holding me back. But at the same time I feel they would be way better off without me. My life has been a shit show since birth with very few good memories. I'm so damaged, been in therapy for 12 years and it's just not working. It's all bs. I have tried so hard to heal, but it seems that's not in the cards for me, the pain and trauma is just too deep. I don't know. That's all I got for now. Having a hard time finding the right words or my will to live.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really tiring and dreadful suffering like that but anyway I wish you the best, existence certainly is too cruel.

 

[aGoodDayToDie]

I'm afraid to say this but your children need you

 

[PIBlackfoot]

I'm afraid to say this but your children need you

Yes, it's the only reason I'm still here.

 

[Ambivalent1]

Life is efil (evil).

 

[𖣂𖣂𖣂.]

Have you ever thought what are the things that are triggering you to have those feelings reoccur. Maybe I could could give you advice

 

[PIBlackfoot]

Lately it's been parenting challenges that coupled with my mental illness(cptsd, bipolar depression and anxiety) makes life unbearable. I retreat and disassociate when there is conflict. I try to do all the things but when they oush back and argue it triggers my cptsd something fierce, it just makes me want to die. I have pondered what's worse for a child. Living with and being raised by a parent with unhealed trauma and mental illness or abandonment. Idk it's been so hard lately. I've been in therapy 12 years, I read all the parenting books, listen to all the parenting podcasts and watch YouTube videos. I try to the things, but it just doesn't work bc I can't hold firmly. I
Give in when push back happens and it's fierce, nothing triggers me more. How can I possibly be a good parent with no consistency or being able to stand my ground. My oldest son has mental illness and I know it's all my fault and I'm afraid I'm
Going
To do the same thing to my daughter. My damage is too deeply ingrained into who I am, it affects every aspect of my life, but none more than my parenting. She has Godparents that are the most amazing humans and parents, I know them inside and out, they habe never left our side and I know that she would be better off raised by them. In a perfect world, they would raise her, but I would be around for everything. I would support her every need, be at every school event, even tuck her in and get her up. I just can't be the only one raising her, if so, I'm elafraid she is doomed. It's either that, or take myself out of the equation. But then I'm
Afraid she will still be doomed bc she will blame herself. Idk everything else in life is going pretty good. I started a successful one woman cleaning business where I can take care of us without being subjected to the misery of working for someone else for pennies. Parenting troubles is the sole cause of my mental anguish at the moment. She deserves so much better than me. Thanks for listening.