so many days over and over

[noaccount]

getting up with knife pain between my lungs and folding laundry before i left, before the sun was up, half of me praying i'd someday earn the space to talk about what was hurting me, the other half hating that one for wanting anything like that and just trying to identify fully with whatever others wanted and drown out my kicking for air

i got out but my mind didn't come back

i was conditioned to hate myself for wanting to re-integrate the broken pieces of myself, for wanting to let them make peace and communicate with each other again, for wanting my body and biorhythms back

both wishing that anything was different, and talking myself through being-ok-with how things are, both set off the persecutor voices now which hurt me too much for me to maintain front-consciousness

i just watch from behind a wall of ice

 

[noaccount]

I don't want to go like this.

I want to live before I die.


x

 

[theboy]

deep words
I hope you find peace in your heart.

 

[noaccount]

deep words
I hope you find peace in your heart.

Thanks.

 

[noaccount]

It doesn't and can't do anything

It can neither wish for anything better nor defend itself in any way without the hatred knocking it out of consciousnesss

Don't let us die this way
It's too late to edit to put a Help banner on this but please

 

[noaccount]

Idk maybe I should post this in 'recovery' section but I'm not necessarily trying to recover just make some changes at least before I go.

And also awful christian tim keeps bothering me when I post there.

I need help.

 

[Ixadavt]

I signed myself into my own prison, again. I was free for three years. And instead of living, I bought a house I now live in with the most overbearing ungrateful self-centered and self-indulgent people I know. My brother his girlfriend and their six kids (hers his and theirs). I had an opportunity to live...I wish I had words for you. But wanting to live is a desire be both share.

Maybe in the deepest parts of my consciousness I fear it, maybe that's why agreed to this hell.

I feel for you, and I certainly wish I had something to say for you because that might mean I had something for myself.

Much love from the one Love.

 

[noaccount]

I signed myself into my own prison, again. I was free for three years. And instead of living, I bought a house I now live in with the most overbearing ungrateful self-centered and self-indulgent people I know. My brother his girlfriend and their six kids (hers his and theirs). I had an opportunity to live...I wish I had words for you. But wanting to live is a desire be both share.

Maybe in the deepest parts of my consciousness I fear it, maybe that's why agreed to this hell.

I feel for you, and I certainly wish I had something to say for you because that might mean I had something for myself.

Much love from the one Love.

Thank you and I'm sorry you're stuck living with them.

ps - https://discordia.fandom.com/wiki/Black_Iron_Prison

 

[noaccount]

If I don't put myself back in dehumanizing relationships I think I am consigned to a life of non-communication reduced to reaction emojis and this is why I think I should kill myself today.