Venting So, is this my chance to ctb?

[Winter_Flower]

So, due to overdosing two years ago and constant self harm, safe guarding etc. My doctor hasn't allowed me to have anything more than weekly px for two years. I can understand why. Every so often I put a message into dispensary to see if I can go back to getting a months worth at a time and every time it's been met with 'need to see doctor'. When I do it's a flat no. Again, I can still understand the reasons. They have a duty of care and have to protect themselves.

Well today I put in my cheeky little message again to the dispensary thinking it would be turned down. But no, they have increased my allowance to a months worth at a time. The first time in well over two to three years. I rang to confirm this and find out which doctor ok'd it. It wasn't my usual doctor as he's on holiday for two weeks.

So what I'm saying is do I ctb with this months worth? I get venlafaxine 225mg x 28, lamotrigine 100mg x 56, propranolol 80mg x 84 and diazepam 5mg x 15. I also have a stash of cocodamol 30/500mg x 100 and zopiclone 7.5mg x 50ish. I'm in a dilemma here. I normally get very overwhelmed having that amount of medication in the house at anyone time because it's been so long since I've had monthly meds. Do I take everything? Or do I wait on my original plan of hanging. I am so nervous about picking up a full months worth next week. I'm already taking 10 cocodamol at night with alcohol to help sleep, the slight high I get from it. It takes my mind off my mental health. I know that's not much but getting hold of the proper stuff around my neck of the woods is hard. I know about the dark web but I'm pretty scared to use it. The only dealer I know lives next door to my parents!! And with the industry I used to work in/hoping to go back to if my life does a sudden turn around, I doubt it, if I get caught I wouldn't be able to work in the nhs again.

Sorry for the long ass post. I don't see anyone throughout the week as I'm getting pretty much a recluse now so need to vent some how xx

Many thanks for taking your time to read this x

 

[MeltingHeart]

So, due to overdosing two years ago and constant self harm, safe guarding etc. My doctor hasn't allowed me to have anything more than weekly px for two years. I can understand why. Every so often I put a message into dispensary to see if I can go back to getting a months worth at a time and every time it's been met with 'need to see doctor'. When I do it's a flat no. Again, I can still understand the reasons. They have a duty of care and have to protect themselves.

Well today I put in my cheeky little message again to the dispensary thinking it would be turned down. But no, they have increased my allowance to a months worth at a time. The first time in well over two to three years. I rang to confirm this and find out which doctor ok'd it. It wasn't my usual doctor as he's on holiday for two weeks.

So what I'm saying is do I ctb with this months worth? I get venlafaxine 225mg x 28, lamotrigine 100mg x 56, propranolol 80mg x 84 and diazepam 5mg x 15. I also have a stash of cocodamol 30/500mg x 100 and zopiclone 7.5mg x 50ish. I'm in a dilemma here. I normally get very overwhelmed having that amount of medication in the house at anyone time because it's been so long since I've had monthly meds. Do I take everything? Or do I wait on my original plan of hanging. I am so nervous about picking up a full months worth next week. I'm already taking 10 cocodamol at night with alcohol to help sleep, the slight high I get from it. It takes my mind off my mental health. I know that's not much but getting hold of the proper stuff around my neck of the woods is hard. The only dealer I know lives next door to my parents!! And with the industry I used to work in/hoping to go back to if my life does a sudden turn around, I doubt it, if I get caught I wouldn't be able to work in the nhs again.

Sorry for the long as post. I don't see anyone throughout the week as I'm getting pretty much a recluse now so need to vent some how xx

The main thing that stood out for me here was at the end when you said the industry that you are 'hoping to go back to' ...this would indicte to me that you still do have an element of HOPE as well as things you would still like to do & achieve ... even on a subconscious level & even though you are in pain...after all that talk of all those meds that one small sentence...stood out to me...no pro lifer here so don't worry about that...just what I saw when I read what you wrote....I've tried huge overdoses too.

 

[Are you lost too?]

Tbh the only thing I know about od with pills is that it doesn't really work and you end up with a lot of pain and may result in liver/kidney damage.
That being said, are you sure the stuff you have will "be enough" ? (I'm just asking cause really I don't know a lot about this)

 

[MeltingHeart]

Tbh the only thing I know about od with pills is that it doesn't really work and you end up with a lot of pain and may result in liver/kidney damage.
That being said, are you sure the stuff you have will "be enough" ? (I'm just asking cause really I don't know a lot about this)

They rarely work- the meds are specifically designed to make you be sick when you have too much nowadays- obvs they DO happen there is no denying that ...but yeah agree with all that you said... you may just end up really damaged...but alive nonetheless!

 

[Winter_Flower]

The main thing that stood out for me here was at the end when you said the industry that you are 'hoping to go back to' ...this would indicte to me that you still do have an element of HOPE as well as things you would still like to do & achieve ... even on a subconscious level & even though you are in pain...after all that talk of all those meds that one small sentence...stood out to me...no pro lifer here so don't worry about that...just what I saw when I read what you wrote....I've tried huge overdoses too.

I know what you mean. I guess I said that because if my benefits stop then I'll have to work again to pay my mortgage. Working in pharmacy/dispensary is all I've done for the past 12 years. So I kind of know what can and can't kill you. Take the lamotigine, if I took that alone it would just make me very sleepy for a few days. The propranolol would go a long way to helping heart failure. And a lot of jobs in the uk now require a gcse grade a - c in maths and English. I have the English but not maths. So a change in career isn't on the cards at the moment. I am trying to get my maths at the moment x

 

[charlie_z]

Hi Winter-Flower. I'm familiar with some of these drugs, particularly the antidepressant, the benzodiazepine, and the codeine. All are very powerful drugs, and with some, depending on the quantity, potentially lethal.

Now I know I'm probably not telling you anything new, but I would begin by researching how these drugs act when combined. I'd want to know if there's a particular sequence I should take each of the drugs in order to avoid passing out before being able to complete the process. And knowing my OCD tendencies, there are other questions I'd want answers to as well.

I used to be a fairly decent researcher (a millennia ago), so I can see if I can find answers to some of the questions I posed above. I can't promise anything, but if you feel this would be of help, I'm happy to try and help.

 

[Dystopia]

Taking 10 cocodamol at night with alcohol doesn't seem like it adds up, that's 5g of paracetamol/acetaminophen

All those medications will probably just damage you and leave you puking up and in hospital with a coma

 

[MeltingHeart]

I know what you mean. I guess I said that because if my benefits stop then I'll have to work again to pay my mortgage. Working in pharmacy/dispensary is all I've done for the past 12 years. So I kind of know what can and can't kill you. Take the lamotigine, if I took that alone it would just make me very sleepy for a few days. The propranolol would go a long way to helping heart failure. And a lot of jobs in the uk now require a gcse grade a - c in maths and English. I have the English but not maths. So a change in career isn't on the cards at the moment. I am trying to get my maths at the moment x

Im surprised u can work in a pharmacy without maths tbh, but I guess you must know quite alot about the meds! it is my understanding that alot of modern meds are designed to make you very sick in overdose- so unless you would choke whilst that was happening (god that is so horrible to even type let alone think about)- most over doses are v.v unlikely to be fatal. goodluck on that maths - you should go for it! (I left school before I did any exams btw- so I totally understand how hard it can be)

Hi Winter-Flower. I'm familiar with some of these drugs, particularly the antidepressant, the benzodiazepine, and the codeine. All are very powerful drugs, and with some, depending on the quantity, potentially lethal.

Now I know I'm probably not telling you anything new, but I would begin by researching how these drugs act when combined. I'd want to know if there's a particular sequence I should take each of the drugs in order to avoid passing out before being able to complete the process. And knowing my OCD tendencies, there are other questions I'd want answers to as well.

I used to be a fairly decent researcher (a millennia ago), so I can see if I can find answers to some of the questions I posed above. I can't promise anything, but if you feel this would be of help, I'm happy to try and help.

I think this was my problem when I tried to OD ( 2 types of anti-d's & anti-psychotic & paracetamol) , i drank too, as I thought it would 'assist' in the overdose..but i must have collapsed before I even managed to take all that I had...as i had dropped them everywhere apparently...ergh its so horrible to think about actually...

 

[Neurodamaged2]

Considering you work in pharmacy, you probably already know that what you have probably won't kill you. I think the opportunity has you excited at the prospect of dying but the reality is, you wouldn't die and you'd be in a much worse position. I've tried to OD several times and I'm fairly sure it gave me some small amounts of brain damage each time I did so, in addition to the effects.

I can tell you from experience the Zoloft will not kill you, I've taken 75 mg in a day and other than sleeping alot of the day away, I didn't die. Tbh if you want to die, your best bet would be to sit on a tall chair (like a bar stool) with a noose around your neck, down the Zopiclone and drink a few shots. Make sure the noose is tied correctly and is securely fastened to something that won't fail, and the rope used is proper.

 

[Winter_Flower]

Im surprised u can work in a pharmacy without maths tbh, but I guess you must know quite alot about the meds! it is my understanding that alot of modern meds are designed to make you very sick in overdose- so unless you would choke whilst that was happening (god that is so horrible to even type let alone think about)- most over doses are v.v unlikely to be fatal. goodluck on that maths - you should go for it! (I left school before I did any exams btw- so I totally understand how hard it can be)

I think this was my problem when I tried to OD ( 2 types of anti-d's & anti-psychotic & paracetamol) , i drank too, as I thought it would 'assist' in the overdose..but i must have collapsed before I even managed to take all that I had...as i had dropped them everywhere apparently...ergh its so horrible to think about actually...

When I say work in pharmacy, I'm no pharmacist. I dispense medication, deal with patient problems, hospital letters etc and the maths is simple. As long as you have the right qualifications to complete the role and experience that's all you need. But having worked in that area for 12 years or more you tend to learn what's, what etc. Plus it's only been the last five or so years that the stupid government introduced this ruling about grades. It's optional for companies to apply this and a lot do to make selection easier. Especially the nhs now. So learning algebra and stuff again after last doing it 23 years ago is a pain. I'm also doing a few other courses to build up my portfolio and just to keep my mind busy.

Considering you work in pharmacy, you probably already know that what you have probably won't kill you. I think the opportunity has you excited at the prospect of dying but the reality is, you wouldn't die and you'd be in a much worse position. I've tried to OD several times and I'm fairly sure it gave me some small amounts of brain damage each time I did so, in addition to the effects.

I can tell you from experience the Zoloft will not kill you, I've taken 75 mg in a day and other than sleeping alot of the day away, I didn't die. Tbh if you want to die, your best bet would be to sit on a tall chair (like a bar stool) with a noose around your neck, down the Zopiclone and drink a few shots. Make sure the noose is tied correctly and is securely fastened to something that won't fail, and the rope used is proper.

I think you're probably right. The thought of the amount of meds probably just made me run away with things in my mind. I may be better sticking to my original plan x

 

[Sweet emotion]

Tbh the only thing I know about od with pills is that it doesn't really work and you end up with a lot of pain and may result in liver/kidney damage.
That being said, are you sure the stuff you have will "be enough" ? (I'm just asking cause really I don't know a lot about this)

My friend killed herself with pills although she had seconsl which is a great sedative and sbunchbof fentanyl patches that she out all over her shest and then took pain pills. People say I have enough to kill an elephant on heroin. I honestly don't see how anyone could survive with what I have.

 

[Are you lost too?]

My friend killed herself with pills although she had seconsl which is a great sedative and sbunchbof fentanyl patches that she out all over her shest and then took pain pills. People say I have enough to kill an elephant on heroin. I honestly don't see how anyone could survive with what I have.

Sure it depends on the drugs ... that's also what I said about not being an expert.. like what I know is that people hardly success .. but I understand it depends on what you have too, but I don't know exactly which drugs would be Necessary .. that's why also I said I was no expert - just to be clear.