Venting So goddamn tired

[hellodarkness]

Last night my hallucinations were next level. A man was walking around our bedroom scratching the walls and whispering, "They know!" And he's not the voice I'm used to who is constantly telling me to drink bleach so that threw me more.

I didn't want to freak out my husband or my youngest daughter so I went to the couch and hit Klonopin like it owed me money. Passed out. In the morning our big ass dogs both had to lie on top of me for several hours because I swear to God they think they are my insanity support animals.

I still wasn't right, but I went to Walmart with the kids to get them stuff to have a sleepover. I hate that I am crazy, but I refuse to have them not have a childhood because I'm sick. I figured I could do it. As soon as we got about 100m in the store I heard a woman screaming. I'm looking around and I can't see anyone screaming, and then I realize no one else is fazed. Because no one else hears her. Because she doesn't exist and I'm the only one hearing it.

Got home and had to bleach the kitchen for three hours because engaging in my OCD compulsions helps calm me down. I know trying to mitigate my schizophrenia with my fucking OCD is wild and makes no sense but survival mode.

This was one of the worst days I've had since I've been medicated. These are the days where I feel like I'm obligated to CTB to protect my kids from what I am...

 

[Pookie]

I'm so sorry, that must be terrifying. How long have you been on your current medication? Sometimes the meds take a while to kick in or perhaps you need a medication review. How often does this happen? Your post is lucid and very well-written and it seems you have a lot of self-awareness despite your hallucinations. Wishing you strength that you can get through this.

 

[justsad&done]

Oh goodness that's awful. You are very brave to do what you're doing to make your children's lives stable. Hoping you can find medication that can get you the help you need. Hugs

 

[hellodarkness]

I'm so sorry, that must be terrifying. How long have you been on your current medication? Sometimes the meds take a while to kick in or perhaps you need a medication review. How often does this happen? Your post is lucid and very well-written and it seems you have a lot of self-awareness despite your hallucinations. Wishing you strength that you can get through this.

I was diagnosed after a very fucked up hallucination 80% of the way up an 8000' climb in June. We've gone up and up since then on six different meds, I've maxed several of them.

this is my first bad visual episode since July. My ability to make any goddamn sense depends on when you talk to me. You'll (hopefully) never see me on here out of my mind

 

[Pookie]

We'll still be here for you whether you're out of your mind or not.

 

[Ethereal]

Last night my hallucinations were next level. A man was walking around our bedroom scratching the walls and whispering, "They know!" And he's not the voice I'm used to who is constantly telling me to drink bleach so that threw me more.

I didn't want to freak out my husband or my youngest daughter so I went to the couch and hit Klonopin like it owed me money. Passed out. In the morning our big ass dogs both had to lie on top of me for several hours because I swear to God they think they are my insanity support animals.

I still wasn't right, but I went to Walmart with the kids to get them stuff to have a sleepover. I hate that I am crazy, but I refuse to have them not have a childhood because I'm sick. I figured I could do it. As soon as we got about 100m in the store I heard a woman screaming. I'm looking around and I can't see anyone screaming, and then I realize no one else is fazed. Because no one else hears her. Because she doesn't exist and I'm the only one hearing it.

Got home and had to bleach the kitchen for three hours because engaging in my OCD compulsions helps calm me down. I know trying to mitigate my schizophrenia with my fucking OCD is wild and makes no sense but survival mode.

This was one of the worst days I've had since I've been medicated. These are the days where I feel like I'm obligated to CTB to protect my kids from what I am...

protect them from what you are? You sound like an amazing mom to me. I am so very touched by this one story. You must have many. I also am so sorry for the pain and frustration.

 

[hellodarkness]

We'll still be here for you whether you're out of your mind or not.

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I have kept my illness secret outside of my husband and my psychiatrist, so trying to play it normal is an exhausting forever occupation.

protect them from what you are? You sound like an amazing mom to me. I am so very touched by this one story. You must have many. I also am so sorry for the pain and frustration.

Yes I've had some really brutal hallucinatory experiences since things started going really downhill. Nearly bear maced some people I used to run with when I was out on trail alone because my brain kept saying they were actually a bear. Done makeshift dental scaling with tweezers until I bled all over my bathroom because the voice would not shut the fuck up about it. And it's awful because I am aware it's not real, but it feels real.

I love my kids, and I don't want them to have the trauma of growing up with a parent who is this mentally ill. I have a timeline on how long I can reasonably wait for medication to be sorted before CTB is the only option left in the interest of protecting them

 

[Pookie]

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I have kept my illness secret outside of my husband and my psychiatrist, so trying to play it normal is an exhausting forever occupation.

You're welcome. How long do your episodes last? You don't have to keep up appearances here so feel free to vent and you can always message me if you need a listening ear. I really do hope they can find a medication that'll help you but on the other hand I fully understand why you want to ctb.
Also, I'm not sure if you watch YouTube but there are a few Youtubers with schizophrenia who share their experiences so that might also help you feel less isolated with your condition.