Venting So fucking angry

[Marz]

I wanna jump off my balcony. It's the 13th floor. I'd throw myself head down first. I have alcohol stashed to drink beforehand. I wrote the damn letter. But since I live with my mother and brother, I have tried weaving a sweet time spot in which both aren't home. Issue is, now my mother has a week break from work, and brother is an unemployed sloth that doesn't move a muscle to do anything so he rarely leaves home. My mother is going out today and my brother is lazing around again, and I thought he would leave the house today- he 'doesn't feel like it'. On top of that, he won't get his ass up to at least fucking make the bed that we share because we have no money. And I do not want to jump with either of them here because of my morality, or because they may stop me or whatever the fuck- but holy shit I am so damn tempted to jump with him here anyways. I'm tired of him moaning he's depressed. He is not; he's fucking neurotypical. I tried to kill myself at 13, and have had 10 attempts since. I have had to sell my body to get us by here while he has just sat his ass down and done SHIT even if we are immigrants and have barely any money. I am so fucking pissed. I had to lock myself inside the bathroom so I don't start hitting him or something. On top of that, my mother babies him.

/stupid ass rant but I'm tired and pissed for fuck's sake. I can't.

 

[woxihuanni]

I don't know what to say. Is there no way get away to an arbnb or something pretending you have a customer, and use a more peaceful method there? I'm worried about you. Jumping can leave you worse off it it fails. Sounds like too busy a point not to be 'saved' by busybodies.

 

[Marz]

I don't know what to say. Is there no way get away to an arbnb or something pretending you have a customer, and use a more peaceful method there? I'm worried about you. Jumping can leave you worse off it it fails. Sounds like too busy a point not to be 'saved' by busybodies.

Cannot use that type of services because I lack money and I refuse to let another man use my body for it- I'm traumatized enough. If this situation at home doesn't change soon I may have to change the location to a recent suicide hotspot in this city. It's a shopping mall- but also the tallest building in South America. Like 12 people have killed themselves there while jumping. It scares me because over time I've developed fear of venturing out of home- especially since I have lived here only a couple of months. Either that or jumping under a train I guess. The other peaceful method I considered was carbon monoxide but this apartment has fire detectors. I don't know. I just wanna do the simple thing and just jump here. I'm too mentally exhausted for much else. I cannot plan anything extensively. I just hope sometime soon they both leave home and let me be and do it once for all. .

 

[woxihuanni]

Cannot use that type of services because I lack money and I refuse to let another man use my body for it- I'm traumatized enough. If this situation at home doesn't change soon I may have to change the location to a recent suicide hotspot in this city. It's a shopping mall- but also the tallest building in South America. Like 12 people have killed themselves there while jumping. It scares me because over time I've developed fear of venturing out of home- especially since I have lived here only a couple of months. Either that or jumping under a train I guess. The other peaceful method I considered was carbon monoxide but this apartment has fire detectors. I don't know. I just wanna do the simple thing and just jump here. I'm too mentally exhausted for much else. I cannot plan anything extensively. I just hope sometime soon they both leave home and let me be and do it once for all. .

I just wish you could find relief immediately. Don't want to be annoying asking this but is there no support for people in your situation in your country, providing any means to get away from your family and sexual abuse? I'm really sorry because this is the sort of thing stupid people ask when you would've obviously thought of it yourself, but still.

I'm just so sorry for all that life threw at you.

 

[PaYo]

I hate my life. Im cant even say what i want to say.

 

[Marz]

I just wish you could find relief immediately. Don't want to be annoying asking this but is there no support for people in your situation in your country, providing any means to get away from your family and sexual abuse? I'm really sorry because this is the sort of thing stupid people ask when you would've obviously thought of it yourself, but still.

I'm just so sorry for all that life threw at you.

Thanks for the concern. I honestly have no idea. I don't think I can because I don't have the national ID yet. I don't want to get away from my family per se, I have been helping them out because I do care about them- but I cannot stand them for the life of me for interfering in my plans without even noticing. Rather maddening. Point is, as much as I care about them I cannot stand this shit life especially after living everything I have and supposedly still wanting to fight to stay alive.

For context: we're Venezuelan immigrants living in another country in South America. I had been living somewhere else before I had to move with my mom/brother here. So life hasn't been kind to us for shit and I lack the resolve to keep on living this laughable shit-show.

 

[woxihuanni]

Supposedly wanting to fight? If there is any part of you that wants to fight, could you look for any other means of sustaining yourself until you have your ID and rights? When I was young I washed dishes and felt at peace, no bothering with anyone, free in my mind when my hands were busy.

You are very strong to have survived so far, all my respect and love though it helps with fuck all...

 

[Marz]

Supposedly wanting to fight? If there is any part of you that wants to fight, could you look for any other means of sustaining yourself until you have your ID and rights? When I was young I washed dishes and felt at peace, no bothering with anyone, free in my mind when my hands were busy.

You are very strong to have survived so far, all my respect and love though it helps with fuck all...

I meant that, as a refugee, I'm supposed to want to stay alive and survive since I left the fucking country but- I do not. I have been mentally ill for a decade anyway, and the crisis added another deep layer of trauma I cannot move past. For others sure, they can find that strength...I can't.
You know the type of things I've seen? How much death and hunger and desperation and- all the abuse my father put me through as well?
No, there is no part of me that wants to fight. No, being young doesn't undo seeing all I saw and going through all I did and no it doesn't make me stronger it has made me a deeply traumatized young woman who became a prostitute. Like many of Vzlan immigrants have had to in order to just eat...
I know you mean well by your comments but they are quite misplaced.

 

[woxihuanni]

I meant that, as a refugee, I'm supposed to want to stay alive and survive since I left the fucking country but- I do not. I have been mentally ill for a decade anyway, and the crisis added another deep layer of trauma I cannot move past. For others sure, they can find that strength...I can't.
You know the type of things I've seen? How much death and hunger and desperation and- all the abuse my father put me through as well?
No, there is no part of me that wants to fight. No, being young doesn't undo seeing all I saw and going through all I did and no it doesn't make me stronger it has made me a deeply traumatized young woman who became a prostitute. Like many of Vzlan immigrants have had to in order to just eat...
I know you mean well by your comments but they are quite misplaced.

I apologise, did not mean it as you have to be strong or that you strength comes from having endured this nightmare...

I wish you speedy release...

 

[okaoki]

is there a top roof or something like that? will your brother suspects you if you leave the house/room?
i'm sorry i can't be any help , i'm sorry the world causes you to suffer ,i'm not good at expressing myself
writing or verbally.

 

[LastFlowers]

Mothers and their sons, let me tell you. I'm the daughter with 2 brothers and I can be groveling at death's door while my mother will ignore me and literally make up problems for my brothers to have-before they even have them, just so she can worry about them over me. Happened today. I'm sorry your mom babies him while you have had to literally sell yourself. That takes it to a whole new level, assuming he's truly capable of contributing to the family.
I don't blame you for being so angry yet having conflicting emotions as they are still your family.
I really don't know how to help as I have not been able to come to terms with my own version of a similar issue. I can just say that I am sorry you are struggling and I recognize some of the sentiments you have.
I didn't read through the whole thread, but does your mother know what kind of distress you are going through?

 

[Sweet emotion]

While your mother is gone, is there anyway you can ask your brother to go to the store and get you medicine? Pretend you have a migraine or something and bed him to leave to get you something to help your pain. I'm so sorry that you've had to sell your body to survive. I couldn't even imagine. I'm on the verge of being homeless pretty soon so I know what it's like to be poor but you're worse off than I am. And I understand how pissed off you get when people say oh you're so young. Yeah exactly! I'm so young and look at how much more of my miserable life I have to look forward to. I've been physically sick with the highest ranking pain condition in medical history since I was 20. I'm 34 now and I'm tired of living or I should say existing like this. My mom has to physically care for me and when she's not here I won't even have enough money for an apartment and food and clothing. And dcotrs expect me to want to work out and get in shape when I can barely move it hurts so much. So I understand where you're coming from when you talk about how young you are.