i was raped when I was 6 and again at 14. by my own fucking family. my life has been an absolute trainwreck and I want to kill myself constantly. I asked for help. i asked for help from EVERYONE. fucking humiliating shit to admit to a million and one people that you come from the weird incest family. but i did it in the hopes that I would FINALLY get help. and yknow? no one gives a shit. i told my best friends of six years that I was suicidal and they couldn't give a shit. they looked annoyed like i was faking for attention. i went to csa events to try and get support. so many people were triggered by my story. i can't even exist without triggering other people. i have to be happy that i was raped and no one cared. i have to care about a career and money and having a partner (????) so that MAYBE people will find me nice to be around and then MAYBE someone will care enough about me to ask if im okay and mean it.
i did therapy for three years with three different psychologists and they were all fucking useless. i worked min wage jobs to afford going to therapy and prioritised it. and it didnt do shit.
i exercise, i do the self care bullshit, i get sunlight, i work, i socialise, and NOTHING helps. i fucking hate being here. i hate being alive. every fucking day i deal with sexism because i was born with a vagina. and constant disrespect because I'm young and on minimum wage, which means I can be underpaid and overworked and treated like a piece of garbage. and then they freak the fuck out when I don't just sit there and take it.
i don't enjoy anything anymore. i used to enjoy reading, writing, creating. i had a real love for being alive. i've been heavily depressed and numbed out for seven years. i have insomnia and i'm constantly exhausted. every day i wake up in this traumatised piece of shit body and have to deal with constant pain and fatigue.
i don't know why i stayed alive. I WISH i'd killed myself when i first thought I wanted to when I was 17. i wish i'd fucking jumped in front of the train. i don't know why I'm here. i go from one shit job to another. nothing changes. time passes and its a new job and im living in a new house but its always the same bullshit. there's no help and there's no fairness. i work in a cafe and talk to people who are taking their weekly plane trip to dubai when I can barely afford food for myself.
i hate it here so fucking much.
i did therapy for three years with three different psychologists and they were all fucking useless. i worked min wage jobs to afford going to therapy and prioritised it. and it didnt do shit.
i exercise, i do the self care bullshit, i get sunlight, i work, i socialise, and NOTHING helps. i fucking hate being here. i hate being alive. every fucking day i deal with sexism because i was born with a vagina. and constant disrespect because I'm young and on minimum wage, which means I can be underpaid and overworked and treated like a piece of garbage. and then they freak the fuck out when I don't just sit there and take it.
i don't enjoy anything anymore. i used to enjoy reading, writing, creating. i had a real love for being alive. i've been heavily depressed and numbed out for seven years. i have insomnia and i'm constantly exhausted. every day i wake up in this traumatised piece of shit body and have to deal with constant pain and fatigue.
i don't know why i stayed alive. I WISH i'd killed myself when i first thought I wanted to when I was 17. i wish i'd fucking jumped in front of the train. i don't know why I'm here. i go from one shit job to another. nothing changes. time passes and its a new job and im living in a new house but its always the same bullshit. there's no help and there's no fairness. i work in a cafe and talk to people who are taking their weekly plane trip to dubai when I can barely afford food for myself.
i hate it here so fucking much.
