Help So-called "high functioning" suicidality

[Rounded Apathy]

To be totally honest, I'm not really sure what the point of me posting this is. Also want to preface by saying I mean no disrespect to those dealing with this issue in a way different from me. I feel like this label applies to me, but what does it even really mean? That I can do most things but want to die? Compared to whom? In whose eyes? To myself, I am half the person I once was at best, and can even see now there is a waxing and waning of relative wellness. Times when I actively do things to try and make myself better; then the inevitable disappointment or total curveball and I just want to lay in bed in the dark for days on end. Is that high functioning to people?

I expect a lot has to do with the eyes of others, but so so often suicide comes as a "surprised" to those who knew the departed. I have straight up told a small number of people in the also small number of those I consider "friends" (though at this point it's a stretch) that most days I stave off sleep because giving in means laying there with nothing to pull my mind from the feeling that I just don't want to wake up and live another day. I haven't told them the extent to which I've ruminated on death, how I might bring it upon myself, and so on. Is this "high function"?

On the other hand, even on this site I do feel somehow different. So many of the posts I see are from people who seem to be on the very edge; looking for advice on securing means or methods, feeling like they might make a move at the drop of a hat, or even sadly saying goodbye. Whereas most of my posts are of totally different natures. I feel like I do, in a way, occupy this weird limbo space even here which I have in some way or other felt myself in for much of my remembered life. In this world, but not of it, in a way. I dunno man.

I guess now that I've written, I'm hoping (like in much of my contributions here) that someone has some amount of shared perspective and can give me some insight on how to deal with this. I know how and have seen people very vocal or even active about their suicidality go totally unseen, dismissed, or even denied the help they full on reach out for; people in whom others can plainly see something isn't right. What the hell is one supposed to do when you do not want to live, but it's not so "obvious" (what a gross way to phrase it)?

 

[CassieHoward]

i think culturally speaking a lot of this is rooted in older views of mental illness where those who did not behave as they should were put in a so-called loony bin and forgotten about. nowadays this sort of view is uncommon, but has still led to depression / anxiety having a 'face' - no energy, motivation, perpetually sad, etc. most of these symptoms can be outwardly seen by other people, so when they don't see them they surmise that everything is fine - hence the "surprised" factor. a sort of logical comparison is the people who dismiss shows like e.g., euphoria or 13 reasons why based on the grounds that their portrayal of mental illness is unrealistic. as we know mental illness never manifests in just one particular way across everyone, which is why we have such labels as "high-functioning" or "low-functioning". : - )

my take? who cares. only you know if what you feel is legitimate (i use that word carefully) or not and i wouldn't put too much stock into what you get labelled as. it's important to keep in mind that, from a psychologist's perspective, much of what is considered as deviant is evolving constantly. just a few decades ago it was thought being gay was a mental illness, recently the benchmarks for sociopathy were changed (including retiring the name altogether), etc. just goes to show even the most knowledgeable on the subject are far from having these concepts down pat.

 

[chloramine]

Some people function by doing things to distract themselves and keep from thinking about it. Others find doing things to make that feeling worse. There are likely hundreds or thousands of other iterations of how our inward hurts are expressed outwardly. I think of it more as different methods of coping than an indicator of intensity.

Society definitely does rate how bad things are by our outward actions- which is ridiculous. Two people can have the exact same physical injury and they'll react differently to it. They'll share some symptoms generally yeah, but there will also be differences. And we (seemingly) have a much greater grasp on physical injuries than mental illnesses. How much less can we try to say A is equal to B in regards to mental health. We just, know so little and the more we do learn the more we realize how little we know. Honestly in a couple hundred years our current knowledge and understanding will likely appear archaic.

Ultimately it's unfair to try and judge what someone else experiences based solely off of what we can see. Those differences aren't even good or bad, despite how they tend to be labelled. They're all being viewed through our specific lens at a specific point in history. Some are definitely more convenient within our current world, but I don't think that has any bearing on the severity of their experience. Again, the current structures we live in value output over much else and that has a huge influence on shaping perspectives and biases.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I can default to you what truly being "low-functioning" is and you can compare. :-)

The word "suicidal" is pretty broad and covers a wide range of expeiences, from being on the verge of making an attempt to wishing you were dead every so often.

What makes you want your suicidality to be "obvious"? I know it is a very heavy burden to bear having to deal with these feelings; that's one reason forums like this exist.

 

[Rounded Apathy]

Oops, this one got away from me.

Thanks @CassieHoward, @chloramine and @LaVieEnRose for your input. To the first: a great reminder that like all scientific fields, this shit is not set in stone. Just as you say, it used to be decided upon in this society at a time that there was something legitimately wrong with people who weren't straight, and that they needed to be altered. Fucking mind blowing. Not that it's unanimously been upended yet (sadly), but I wonder if suicidality will ever see such a change in opinion?

To the second: I guess it's hard being the kind of beings we are, when we can only know things based on what we experience. If I never see someone act in a say that makes me think something isn't right (either due to how they do or don't show it or how I perceive), then I will never know. It's a shame how inherently disconnected we all are, especially in modern urban western society. Blech.

To the third: not that I want it to be "obvious", but going off my previous segment I would appreciate if the people to whom I've tried to reach out would provide some support. I feel like if I did something like cal and tell them I think fairly practically of ending my life nearly every day they might step it up...but maybe even that wouldn't be enough.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Oops, this one got away from me.

Thanks @CassieHoward, @chloramine and @LaVieEnRose for your input. To the first: a great reminder that like all scientific fields, this shit is not set in stone. Just as you say, it used to be decided upon in this society at a time that there was something legitimately wrong with people who weren't straight, and that they needed to be altered. Fucking mind blowing. Not that it's unanimously been upended yet (sadly), but I wonder if suicidality will ever see such a change in opinion?

To the second: I guess it's hard being the kind of beings we are, when we can only know things based on what we experience. If I never see someone act in a say that makes me think something isn't right (either due to how they do or don't show it or how I perceive), then I will never know. It's a shame how inherently disconnected we all are, especially in modern urban western society. Blech.

To the third: not that I want it to be "obvious", but going off my previous segment I would appreciate if the people to whom I've tried to reach out would provide some support. I feel like if I did something like cal and tell them I think fairly practically of ending my life nearly every day they might step it up...but maybe even that wouldn't be enough.

Well if you hide it intentionally they won't know, of course. Do you think revealing that to them would be a good idea? It doesn't always lead to pleasantness, as many can attest. Hence this site. You deserve support but sadly people generally have trouble handling that. I have been fortunate to be able to confide in some people but I realized there is nothing they can really do so it's moot and perhaps unfair to talk about It unless they specifically ask.

 

[Rounded Apathy]

Haha, I just made a related post while catching up in another thread I started. No, I don't get asked "are you suicidal?", but people who are actually in my life do ask me how I am (sometimes passingly, sometimes in a more deep way) and it's then that it's tricky. I'm not expecting and know they also can't "fix" the problem, but for me a big part is the hyper-isolation and their making more than the minimal current efforts to be part of my life would seriously help. At least at the time and in my thinking about their input (though this runs a bit counter to what we're discussing in my other thread, haha).

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think I do understand where you are coming from. I feel like this every day too but I am 'well' enough still to do things.

Forgive me if I'm wrong but by asking for 'shared perspective' and 'insight on how to deal with this', it sounds like you are open to help and maybe want to be rid of these thoughts? I think that may be a question to ask yourself.

Think sometimes I question myself on whether I want to get rid of my suicidal thoughts and my answer is always 'no'. I do truly feel like I want it to be over. The thoughts are only intrusive and almost unbearably frustrating because I feel trapped living this life- I want to hang on for my Dad to pass for one and I'm such a coward secondly. The thoughts don't bother me because I find the idea of my death tragic or in any way a bad thing but because 'having' this life is the problem.

Maybe I've got this wrong but I get the impression more that your thoughts are intrusive because they hamper you from living your life? I truly hope- if that is the case that you are able to find some sort of therapy that might help this. I do personally think that this might be worth a try- like you said- 'insight on how to deal with this.'

Personally, while I think we'd all love a friend/family member to care that much to 'save' us, I don't find you can rely on other people. They have their own lives and problems. From a personal perspective, I think in the past I have been terribly needy of friends and looking back- it was probably too much for them. I think sometimes we need someone removed to tell the worst things to.