Venting So basically just spilling beans about my life

[letsalllovelain:3]

Hi, I decided to join SS yesterday and I decided to make my first post here. I pretty much need to vent.
So, you can just call me Lain Lover (or LL for short). I'm 21, from slavic parts of Europe (not Ukraine, don't worry) and as you may have guessed, I'm also somewhat suicidal myself. I've been wanting and trying to CBT since I was 12. I'm a late diagnosed autistic with ADHD, which had quite an impact on my life. I was severely bullied through entire primary school and a bit of middle school, I have a lot of failed relationships and hobbies/projects due to my disfunctions. I hate how I pretty much never fit anywhere, on any discord server or just any irl group of people actually. I also never had a proper loving family (love my younger sister tho <3), I was also coercionally raped by my first boyfriend and it just all goes and goes...
I personally just feel speechless about my life and myself. Call me ableist but I wish I was normal. I hate my autism. Maybe if I was normal, I would be able to live and thrive within this society. Maybe I wouldn't be so nihilistic.
I also have a very loving boyfriend who saved me from my abusive mother. He's the loveliest person I have ever met myself. However, since I just want to die, I feel like he deserves someone a lot better than me. Someone who would actually like programming and just do this together. I'm just a weeb who likes to occasionally draw things. I don't like nerd stuff. I feel like it's boring for me. And he doesn't want to watch anime with me as well. He's not a normie tho, he has ADHD as well and he's, well, not a normie lmao. We get along really well.
As I wish to CBT, I am mixed about it. Simply because of my little sister and my boyfriend. But I still would do that for many reasons. My sister said many times she wished for a different sibling. And for my boyfriend, I just wish him the best. I don't want to sabotage our relationship, but I just feel awful with the fact that he's such a great person, yet he decided to stay with such a retard like me.
Well, I think that's all for now. I feel relieved with all I wrote so far. If you've got this far to this post, thank you for reading and I hope you have a nice day <3

 

[FuneralCry]

The unfortunate reality is that life really is so unnecessarily cruel, it's awful how humans create so much suffering and make the existences of other people much worse. But anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward, at least the way that I see it I believe that some people are not meant for existing in this world.

 

[arcadia]

SEL was one of the first anime I watched when I was young because my name is Lain so when I first ran into it online I freaked out haha, it's honestly really good. I'm sorry to hear about what you've experienced and what brought you here.

 

[letsalllovelain:3]

The unfortunate reality is that life really is so unnecessarily cruel, it's awful how humans create so much suffering and make the existences of other people much worse. But anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward, at least the way that I see it I believe that some people are not meant for existing in this world.

Thank you Funeral, I hope you're experience in this world will go fine as well ^-^

 

[CTB Dream]

V sry have autism have exp bully, this life v cruel, hope peace

 

[letsalllovelain:3]

V sry have autism have exp bully, this life v cruel, hope peace

Are you autistic as well? Asking because of "disabled" in your bio.

 

[spiderwebz]

hey, fellow slavic autist here. i totally feel you. if you ever need to chat I'm here for you <3 us weirdos gotta stick together

 

[CTB Dream]

Are you autistic as well? Asking because of "disabled" in your bio.

Ya autism have

 

[letsalllovelain:3]

hey, fellow slavic autist here. i totally feel you. if you ever need to chat I'm here for you <3 us weirdos gotta stick together

Thank you for your kind words :3
Recently I got bashed by some server folks because I was venting (as much as I thought it wasn't vent, I was just saying things about my life like I'm unemployed or I didn't get to university + there's no vent channel there) and one of them said that I'm the reason they muted #general. And some people was praising that person for doing a good thing. Someone else said that whenever they see my messages somewhere on this server, they initially skip through the text. I felt so fucking sad and excluded from this situation that I considered CBT, but I decided not to.
Sorry for venting out of sudden again. Wishing you best luck as well c:

 

[Mirrory Me]

Hi ll, nice to have you with us. Sometimes we need peer support for our puzzles, this is an excellent place for that.

I guess it's normal to be excluded from groups as an autistic person. Sometimes in the past I used to compare myself a lot to others because I thought that by being more like them I would be accepted. We all have our own way of being and surviving in life, we need to find out our true qualities and strengths.

 

[CellarBoy]

Life is cruel to the best people. I think I've said that before on here. But life is a terrible thing. It's always kindest to the people who don't deserve it, and cruel to the ones who do.

 

[neardeath]

I personally just feel speechless about my life and myself. Call me ableist but I wish I was normal. I hate my autism. Maybe if I was normal, I would be able to live and thrive within this society. Maybe I wouldn't be so nihilistic.

I feel the same. I'm autistic as well and trans and I was basically fucked over for that. All I want is to find love but it's impossible for me because I have too many traits that make me undesirable