So ashamed about my life that I cut out many people of the past

[noname223]

I have some very good friends but only a handful. I am very sensitive when people talk shit about my illness or brag about their extreme cool life. I already cut out some good friends. Okay one of them was really mediocre but the other one was a good guy but he always bragged about things I really desire. I cannot stomach it when people act like depressions are not real. At birthday parties I meet them once in a year. Then I barely talk. I feel so embarrassed. Status and career were very important to me that was teached by my family that also mistreated me.
I often have nightmares about the people who bullied me in school. They have made me this wreck. I hate these dreams so much. Moreover my medication causes nightmares and I have currently a sleeping disorder.

Today someone from our school texted my best friend. My best friend talked to me about him and showed me a picture of him with his gf. I could not stomach that. My best friend thought this was weird and I am kind of oversensitive. That might be true. Nevertheless it hurts so much, Everyone has a normal life, barely noone despises himself so much as I do (at least in real life). All these former classmates have a career or partners.
I am stuck in my mid twenties in a misery. MY last 5 attempts to have a normal life all failed miserably. MY family wants me to go on. They have absurd imagination and lie to themselves in order to feel better.

Furthermore my therapist is such an idiot. EIther he is extremely naive/dumb or extremely over optimistic. I suspect both. I am extremely annoyed. Every time shit happens he says stuff like that is caused by your negative attitude. At the moment I developed a very strong sleeping disorder. That is common for me before I turn hypomanic. He acts like keep on the work that you are doing instead of stop working. Maybe it is just coincidence he says. He is full of wishful thinking and when I point out his contradictions he calls me too pessimistic.

One crazy thing happend at the last appoinment. SInce I developed this severe sleeping disorder I probably want to quit working soon. He wants me to sign a contract which forbids me to stop working for 6 months no matter how severe the sleeping disorder develops. He is such a fucking idot. If I do that I will collapse mentally within the next few months.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

I am stuck in my mid twenties in a misery. MY last 5 attempts to have a normal life all failed miserably. MY family wants me to go on. They have absurd imagination and lie to themselves in order to feel better.

 

[aludnelac]

I have some very good friends but only a handful. I am very sensitive when people talk shit about my illness or brag about their extreme cool life. I already cut out some good friends. Okay one of them was really mediocre but the other one was a good guy but he always bragged about things I really desire. I cannot stomach it when people act like depressions are not real. At birthday parties I meet them once in a year. Then I barely talk. I feel so embarrassed. Status and career were very important to me that was teached by my family that also mistreated me.
I often have nightmares about the people who bullied me in school. They have made me this wreck. I hate these dreams so much. Moreover my medication causes nightmares and I have currently a sleeping disorder.

Today someone from our school texted my best friend. My best friend talked to me about him and showed me a picture of him with his gf. I could not stomach that. My best friend thought this was weird and I am kind of oversensitive. That might be true. Nevertheless it hurts so much, Everyone has a normal life, barely noone despises himself so much as I do (at least in real life). All these former classmates have a career or partners.
I am stuck in my mid twenties in a misery. MY last 5 attempts to have a normal life all failed miserably. MY family wants me to go on. They have absurd imagination and lie to themselves in order to feel better.

Furthermore my therapist is such an idiot. EIther he is extremely naive/dumb or extremely over optimistic. I suspect both. I am extremely annoyed. Every time shit happens he says stuff like that is caused by your negative attitude. At the moment I developed a very strong sleeping disorder. That is common for me before I turn hypomanic. He acts like keep on the work that you are doing instead of stop working. Maybe it is just coincidence he says. He is full of wishful thinking and when I point out his contradictions he calls me too pessimistic.

One crazy thing happend at the last appoinment. SInce I developed this severe sleeping disorder I probably want to quit working soon. He wants me to sign a contract which forbids me to stop working for 6 months no matter how severe the sleeping disorder develops. He is such a fucking idot. If I do that I will collapse mentally within the next few months.

if your therapist is only contributing to you feeling worse and basically pressuring you into signing some kinda contract like that, maybe you should just stop seeing him, or even ghost him and look for a different one..? some therapists really can make things worse, and i don't really want to tell another person to stop trying to get help, but it really does sound like this guy is just driving you into a a corner and pushing you further into despair.. it sounds like he's not really listening to you and instead just coming up with stupid and vague excuses of why you just don't have the right "attitude" or something.. many therapists aren't really suited for helping people, if he is making you feel bad, then maybe you'll feel slightly less bad trying someone else, even if that process is ultimately pretty exhausting..
also sorry to hear you feel so detached from everyone in your life and like they don't really understand quite what the depths of your suffering is like.. parents often don't want to believe that their child is hopeless, i think it's almost a selfish thing, where they think it means your sadness is somehow reflecting something bad about them to the rest of the world, instead of just simply trying to empathize with you..
it's hard to be happy for others, when it feels like all that happens is you continue to fail and further stagnate, while everyone else is able to manage life with such comparable ease, most people feel a bit slighted when you start to distance yourself, and it may not be a healthy thing if they really are good friends, but it's understandable.. it can feel gut wrenchingly terrible to feel like a complete deadbeat loser going nowhere compared to those around you who seem to glide through life with ease.. i'm not saying that's what you are, but sometimes it feels that way when we compare ourselves to others and it's just a struggle to even try to function most days.. just don't isolate too much, the loneliness and isolation can really start to push you into even deeper depths of the nadir of misery.. and don't let anything or anyone push you past your breaking point of exhaustion, there's limits we feel are there for a reason i think.. >.<

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I often have nightmares about the people who bullied me in school.

Same. Published evidence is that the negative effects of bullying can last a lifetime--and can follow people from school to the workplace and beyond. But where I live, parents still say, "Kids will be kids." :(

My best friend thought this was weird and I am kind of oversensitive.

I zeroed in on your post because, like you, I've had to cut out everyone from my life because I can't be what they need/expect me to be and experiencing their disappointment that quickly turns into disgust followed by abandonment is too painful. As soon as I get a whiff that someone feels other people who don't think/feel like them are "oversensitive," I walk the other way. You're you. Billions of life experiences made you who you are. I don't think it's your choice to feel what you do.

Every time shit happens he says stuff like that is caused by your negative attitude... when I point out his contradictions he calls me too pessimistic.

People aren't "too pessimistic" when they reject living or working in environments that don't agree with them. Or when they turn down offers for friendship or dating because they don't like aspects of the other people. But we're too pessimistic when we make judgements about how WE feel about life? I reject that opinion. Everyone is entitled to feel about other things whatever she/he wants. Just because most people agree on their feelings doesn't make those feelings right or better. I bet if there were a way to count the judgements of the trillions of other living things on this planet who struggle to survive only to be ripped apart or die from disease or crammed into labs for torturous experiments..., pessimism would become the more prevalent life outlook. I'd even bet that most people ARE net-pessimists, though they realize they can't be frank about it.

He wants me to sign a contract which forbids me to stop working for 6 months no matter how severe the sleeping disorder develops.

I'm convinced one of the at least implicit goals of much of "mental health" is to keep the human-cattle productive to feed the new-god Economy as long as possible. Cheap, expendable laborers for corporations and breathing-ATM's for governments. So they can't "cure" you, can't stop your suffering, but their solution is to coerce you to keep laboring? As if you're an ox being pushed to your breaking point just so the farmer can finish ploughing the field?

I shouldn't have gotten so riled up by your story. Sorry. But there's so much in it I think drives many, many of us TO suicide. Wishing the best for you.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds stressful what you are going through, I'm sorry you are suffering. That therapist does sound frustrating to have to deal with. I understand it is hard to carry on when things are hopeless. I wish you the best.

 

[Pharmaruined]

I have some very good friends but only a handful. I am very sensitive when people talk shit about my illness or brag about their extreme cool life. I already cut out some good friends. Okay one of them was really mediocre but the other one was a good guy but he always bragged about things I really desire. I cannot stomach it when people act like depressions are not real. At birthday parties I meet them once in a year. Then I barely talk. I feel so embarrassed. Status and career were very important to me that was teached by my family that also mistreated me.
I often have nightmares about the people who bullied me in school. They have made me this wreck. I hate these dreams so much. Moreover my medication causes nightmares and I have currently a sleeping disorder.

Today someone from our school texted my best friend. My best friend talked to me about him and showed me a picture of him with his gf. I could not stomach that. My best friend thought this was weird and I am kind of oversensitive. That might be true. Nevertheless it hurts so much, Everyone has a normal life, barely noone despises himself so much as I do (at least in real life). All these former classmates have a career or partners.
I am stuck in my mid twenties in a misery. MY last 5 attempts to have a normal life all failed miserably. MY family wants me to go on. They have absurd imagination and lie to themselves in order to feel better.

Furthermore my therapist is such an idiot. EIther he is extremely naive/dumb or extremely over optimistic. I suspect both. I am extremely annoyed. Every time shit happens he says stuff like that is caused by your negative attitude. At the moment I developed a very strong sleeping disorder. That is common for me before I turn hypomanic. He acts like keep on the work that you are doing instead of stop working. Maybe it is just coincidence he says. He is full of wishful thinking and when I point out his contradictions he calls me too pessimistic.

One crazy thing happend at the last appoinment. SInce I developed this severe sleeping disorder I probably want to quit working soon. He wants me to sign a contract which forbids me to stop working for 6 months no matter how severe the sleeping disorder develops. He is such a fucking idot. If I do that I will collapse mentally within the next few months.

Have u tried transcendental meditation, Tm? Or neurofeedback, specifically alpha theta training?. Also there are a few brain headsets that are very sleep inducing..

I couldn't sleep but a few minutes a night for over a year, it was hell.. but those mentioned above helped tremendously

 

[Disappointered]

I can relate to some of the things you said. I feel awkward if someone happens to contact me from my past because if they want to know how/what I'm doing it's all just sad and embarrassing. Thanks for posting this.

 

[My_name_is_Luka]

I'd say that you are instinctively self-protecting yourself by cutting out all the contacts that make you feel bad or ashamed.
I also had acquaintances that liked to be praised by everyone for their achievements, They are the first ones that went down the drain.

 

[FutureNoomp]

Go neet for some time if U can afford to. It really isn't that bad.

 

[noname223]

Go neet for some time if U can afford to. It really isn't that bad.

I am long time neet even if I do not like the term. BUt I really try to get alongterm job (twice a year with much effort)

if your therapist is only contributing to you feeling worse and basically pressuring you into signing some kinda contract like that, maybe you should just stop seeing him, or even ghost him and look for a different one..? some therapists really can make things worse, and i don't really want to tell another person to stop trying to get help, but it really does sound like this guy is just driving you into a a corner and pushing you further into despair.. it sounds like he's not really listening to you and instead just coming up with stupid and vague excuses of why you just don't have the right "attitude" or something.. many therapists aren't really suited for helping people, if he is making you feel bad, then maybe you'll feel slightly less bad trying someone else, even if that process is ultimately pretty exhausting..
also sorry to hear you feel so detached from everyone in your life and like they don't really understand quite what the depths of your suffering is like.. parents often don't want to believe that their child is hopeless, i think it's almost a selfish thing, where they think it means your sadness is somehow reflecting something bad about them to the rest of the world, instead of just simply trying to empathize with you..
it's hard to be happy for others, when it feels like all that happens is you continue to fail and further stagnate, while everyone else is able to manage life with such comparable ease, most people feel a bit slighted when you start to distance yourself, and it may not be a healthy thing if they really are good friends, but it's understandable.. it can feel gut wrenchingly terrible to feel like a complete deadbeat loser going nowhere compared to those around you who seem to glide through life with ease.. i'm not saying that's what you are, but sometimes it feels that way when we compare ourselves to others and it's just a struggle to even try to function most days.. just don't isolate too much, the loneliness and isolation can really start to push you into even deeper depths of the nadir of misery.. and don't let anything or anyone push you past your breaking point of exhaustion, there's limits we feel are there for a reason i think.. >.<

I still give my therapist a chance. Others would have given me up way earlier. (2 therapists already did) But it is obvious that we are not successful. I want to show him that his blame game on me is wrong. He has the attitude every problem can be fixed if there is enough will power. As I said childish and naive.

Have u tried transcendental meditation, Tm? Or neurofeedback, specifically alpha theta training?. Also there are a few brain headsets that are very sleep inducing..

I couldn't sleep but a few minutes a night for over a year, it was hell.. but those mentioned above helped tremendously

Thanks for the information. My sleep disorder seems to change sometimes I have a period I cannot fall asleep and then at another period I always wake up like 30 times a night.

 

[Pharmaruined]

I am long time neet even if I do not like the term. BUt I really try to get alongterm job (twice a year with much effort)

I still give my therapist a chance. Others would have given me up way earlier. (2 therapists already did) But it is obvious that we are not successful. I want to show him that his blame game on me is wrong. He has the attitude every problem can be fixed if there is enough will power. As I said childish and naive.

Thanks for the information. My sleep disorder seems to change sometimes I have a period I cannot fall asleep and then at another period I always wake up like 30 times a night.

Yea.. I had the same thing.. either really light sleep, like I'm trying to sleep on a plane . Or waking up the minute I fall asleep.. transcendental meditation really helps ALOT. Can't stress that enough.. please look into those headsets.. brain headsets.. or ces devices. I think it'll help u.
.if u could just sleep I think alot of the other issues will go away or certainly become easier to deal with.. hit me up anytime if u need anything or have questions
oh , also egg white protein before bed, and magnesium helps.. as well as ashagawnda.

 

[H0110W]

Nevertheless it hurts so much, Everyone has a normal life, barely noone despises himself so much as I do (at least in real life). All these former classmates have a career or partners.
I am stuck in my mid twenties in a misery. MY last 5 attempts to have a normal life all failed miserably.

I can relate to this so much. Can't stand the normies and their nice lives anymore. I live in constant pain and regret, and having to deal with them due to my job is nothing more than constant reminders of my failure.

I also cut off some people, some because I was ashamed of my failure, and some because I had nothing in common anymore so I'd rather say goodbye and end on a positive\cathartic note rather than after years of indifference.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

I have some very good friends but only a handful. I am very sensitive when people talk shit about my illness or brag about their extreme cool life. I already cut out some good friends. Okay one of them was really mediocre but the other one was a good guy but he always bragged about things I really desire. I cannot stomach it when people act like depressions are not real. At birthday parties I meet them once in a year. Then I barely talk. I feel so embarrassed. Status and career were very important to me that was teached by my family that also mistreated me.
I often have nightmares about the people who bullied me in school. They have made me this wreck. I hate these dreams so much. Moreover my medication causes nightmares and I have currently a sleeping disorder.

Today someone from our school texted my best friend. My best friend talked to me about him and showed me a picture of him with his gf. I could not stomach that. My best friend thought this was weird and I am kind of oversensitive. That might be true. Nevertheless it hurts so much, Everyone has a normal life, barely noone despises himself so much as I do (at least in real life). All these former classmates have a career or partners.
I am stuck in my mid twenties in a misery. MY last 5 attempts to have a normal life all failed miserably. MY family wants me to go on. They have absurd imagination and lie to themselves in order to feel better.

Furthermore my therapist is such an idiot. EIther he is extremely naive/dumb or extremely over optimistic. I suspect both. I am extremely annoyed. Every time shit happens he says stuff like that is caused by your negative attitude. At the moment I developed a very strong sleeping disorder. That is common for me before I turn hypomanic. He acts like keep on the work that you are doing instead of stop working. Maybe it is just coincidence he says. He is full of wishful thinking and when I point out his contradictions he calls me too pessimistic.

One crazy thing happend at the last appoinment. SInce I developed this severe sleeping disorder I probably want to quit working soon. He wants me to sign a contract which forbids me to stop working for 6 months no matter how severe the sleeping disorder develops. He is such a fucking idot. If I do that I will collapse mentally within the next few months.

I absolutely understand how you feel. It was the same for me as well. It took me months, I think, before I stopped freaking out bc of other people's successful lives on a daily basis. I still do that occasionally, but rarely. I'm not sure what happened. Was it me coming to terms I was gonna be dead soon anyway, or me getting tired of crying bc of that shit. It's hard to tell. But it's gotten a little easier. I'm sorry you had to cut out your friends. I did that too. I feel the same embarrassment and shame you do. You're definitely not alone in this. It's very hard to feel this way. It's very exhausting. It's soul crushing. I wish you didn't hurt so much. I wish I had any advice for you. But I don't. I'm in the same boat. But whatever happens to you, I hope you'll figure out a way to be.

Regarding your therapist, can you switch to a different one? This one doesn't seem so good…..