user667
Student
- May 11, 2020
- 255
I dont want to do it. god i really dont want to do it. i want to die so badly. why does this have to be the way i go? why do i have to vomit and suffer and fight instead of just dying peacefully? i hate it. but its worth it, to be dead. ive never wanted anything this much. i want to die so much. i am absolutely positive of my decision. but i am so scared of failure. my parents could hear me sneaking out, they could hear me getting in the car, they could hear me vomiting once i take it. they could notice im fasting, notice me keeping the car keys. i could fall asleep before i get a chance to do it. so many things could go wrong. but i have to do it. if i dont do it ill regret it more. i almost did it in september. and i didnt. that has been one of my biggest regrets. i just went numb after that. im going to do it. but i dont want to fail. to be honest, my biggest fear is that ill drink the SN and have a gag reflex and vomit/spit it out before i can swallow. that would mean none even got into my stomach. and then id try another dose and the same thing would happen. imagine how embarrassing that would be! my parents find me in the car, covered in my own vomit, and i didnt even really get the SN in. i would be in perfect health! i think im going to take a bottle of pills in with me in case this happens. it wont work but at least a shitty overdose would be less embarrassing than no overdose. and im such a baby about taste. my gag reflex is fucking awful. i was practicing for the SN first by taking shots of water, to get the technique down, then adding little bits of salt. i could do the straight water, and the one with a couple grains of salt, but anymore than that i gagged it up before i could swallow. if i use anymore i throw up stomach acid. but i have never been able to swallow and get any it my stomach. im hoping SN tastes better than salt. doubt it though. i know if i fail ill go back to the hospital for about a week, then the psych ward for a week or two, then residential for about six months. im hoping if i fail ill be able to talk my way out of residential but who knows. i just want to succeed. im fighting so hard to die. fighting for motivation (i want to die but getting out of bed and doing the whole thing is so hard), fighting against my survival instinct, fighting against my family trying to keep me alive, fighting against my body's defenses. im willing to fight and i am im fighting so fucking hard. but why does it have to be so hard? i dont want to fight anymore. i dont want to have to fight so hard just to die. ive fought so hard and suffered so hard in life. giving up should be easy. but its worth it. to die. its all i want. pls pray i dont fail. any advice is welcome.
