The site I ordered from went down and I wasn't sure when it would come. I didn't expect it to be so quick, and I'm disabled and don't usually check the post so I didn't want to go out to the letterbox constantly and make my mum (who I live with) suspicious. I attempted last month and my family knows, but I thought even if the SN arrived quickly it'd get mixed in with the other mail. My mum was paying more attention than I thought and took the package away when she wasn't sure what it was.
I thought once I had the SN (and the other things I need, over time) I could keep living for a while. Thinking I'd have a peaceful method soon gave me some peace and security. Now I feel like it's pretty much off the table, my depression feels more severe, I keep panicking and I feel so trapped again.
I always hated the idea of a painful death, but for years since I've been physically disabled I find pain and discomfort so hard to deal with. It's like any discomfort is magnified hundreds or thousands of times in my head. I used to find the idea of dying alone difficult and I've come to terms with that, but somehow the idea of experiencing even more pain and discomfort during my last moments sounds awful, even if it goes well and I lose consciousness quickly. I also really, really want to avoid leaving behind a traumatising body for the sake of my family.
In an ideal world I'd go somewhere far away to die, wouldn't be alone and would probably be using a method unavailable to me, but I wanted to at least pass away in my own bed. I'm far more comfortable lying in bed than being anywhere else, so I'm okay with that. Without feeling like I could have a peaceful death, I feel much more desperate to die. Part of me is really scared I won't be strong enough to go through with another method and I'll stay trapped in this life, and part of me is so desperate to try another method now just to prove to myself I can still escape this world.
My mum hasn't talked about the package she took. I'm so depressed I can hardly talk sometimes, but she keeps talking to me like I'm not even sick and everything is normal, so I just keep trying to act like it is. I've thought about bringing it up with her but I think it'd just make her worry more having to think about it. I also really can't bear her telling me things will get better anymore after so many years of this and so many failed attempts to get help. After my last attempt she begged me to stay, which really broke my heart, and I saw the crisis team and tried to live. Seeing them and hearing what they had to say made me feel worse. I feel like I have no fight left, and it's not a fight I want to be part of anymore. I still feel the same intense guilt over suicide that I always have, but it's not enough to stop me now, given what my life has become.
Sorry for rambling, it's been a long time writing this and with my brain functioning being a mess I can't think clearly. Has anyone been in a similar situation with their family? It wouldn't be so hard to get around it, but with my disability I'm really dependent on family to help me so I don't really have much privacy and I don't know how to get around that in the near future.
I thought once I had the SN (and the other things I need, over time) I could keep living for a while. Thinking I'd have a peaceful method soon gave me some peace and security. Now I feel like it's pretty much off the table, my depression feels more severe, I keep panicking and I feel so trapped again.
I always hated the idea of a painful death, but for years since I've been physically disabled I find pain and discomfort so hard to deal with. It's like any discomfort is magnified hundreds or thousands of times in my head. I used to find the idea of dying alone difficult and I've come to terms with that, but somehow the idea of experiencing even more pain and discomfort during my last moments sounds awful, even if it goes well and I lose consciousness quickly. I also really, really want to avoid leaving behind a traumatising body for the sake of my family.
In an ideal world I'd go somewhere far away to die, wouldn't be alone and would probably be using a method unavailable to me, but I wanted to at least pass away in my own bed. I'm far more comfortable lying in bed than being anywhere else, so I'm okay with that. Without feeling like I could have a peaceful death, I feel much more desperate to die. Part of me is really scared I won't be strong enough to go through with another method and I'll stay trapped in this life, and part of me is so desperate to try another method now just to prove to myself I can still escape this world.
My mum hasn't talked about the package she took. I'm so depressed I can hardly talk sometimes, but she keeps talking to me like I'm not even sick and everything is normal, so I just keep trying to act like it is. I've thought about bringing it up with her but I think it'd just make her worry more having to think about it. I also really can't bear her telling me things will get better anymore after so many years of this and so many failed attempts to get help. After my last attempt she begged me to stay, which really broke my heart, and I saw the crisis team and tried to live. Seeing them and hearing what they had to say made me feel worse. I feel like I have no fight left, and it's not a fight I want to be part of anymore. I still feel the same intense guilt over suicide that I always have, but it's not enough to stop me now, given what my life has become.
Sorry for rambling, it's been a long time writing this and with my brain functioning being a mess I can't think clearly. Has anyone been in a similar situation with their family? It wouldn't be so hard to get around it, but with my disability I'm really dependent on family to help me so I don't really have much privacy and I don't know how to get around that in the near future.
