klm
life is despair
- Jan 20, 2020
- 32
About a year ago I bought some SN and attempted, I didn't eat for the whole day and I barely drank water and near the late afternoon i dissolved it and drank, it took me about 30 minutes to an hour to drink because i had to build up the courage and it was super salty, and all I can say is it definitely works and is painless for the most part, the only thing was my heart was beating extremely fast, so fast it scared me, then I started getting sleepy and then my SI kicked in and I called a family member they called 911 and 911 kept telling my family member to keep me awake and not let me fall asleep, and then an ambulance came to my house and took me to the hospital, by the time i got to the hospital my nails and lips were blue and my skin was gray and my blood was brown but none of that bothered me, cause i knew i was the closest i had ever been, all I wanted to do was close my eyes cause like I said I was getting super sleepy, and the nurses and doctors kept on keeping me awake, I know what would've happened if I would've closed my eyes, then later on after hours in and oxygen mask and them injecting me with methayne blue the doctor told me I was only a few minutes away from dying, I really wish the ambulance was a little slower that day, because those final moments as I was fading in and out I felt the most peace I have ever felt, all the responsibilities of life and all the fears and worries were gone, in a way I felt like I wasn't there anymore and I loved it, I felt like I wasn't a human I felt like I was gone and I was finally happy, I really wish I would've just waited a little bit longer before telling somebody or the traffic was just a little slower that day because now I'm in an even worse situation, now I'm looking for xanax and fentynal hopefully I can obtain some, I'm so tired of being alone all the time, loneliness hurts so bad, I just wanna be somebody's friend, but I know I'm incapable of that because of my social anxiety and existential depression, and nobody wants a friend who is suicidal anyways, plus my physical health problems get in the way aswell :( hopefully I'll be gone soon, nothing worse than being alone in ur room every night, crying and thinking of suicide, and then when u try and fail you end up feeling more worthless and more of a burden, I don't understand why we get punished for being sad in this world
