SN finally arrived - and I think today would be perfect.

[NaNo210]

My last post here I was panicked a bit as the original source hadn't turned up (and still hasn't- it has been a month), but found another source almost immediately and purchased, that one arrived. Bit of a story about getting it though- the tracking info wasn't updating and I was just about to post on here again about maybe changing plans (circumstances have worsened) and lo and behold the delivery truck pulled up, and I just had a gut feeling it was here. Checked the post box and I saw it inside, but had no keys for it, so spent a fair bit of time using chopsticks to pry it forwards so I could push my hands through to grab it and I GOT IT! Thank god, my mother can't get her hands on it to pry.


As I mentioned, circumstances have worsened. In the past 2 weeks I've had her throw every abusive insult under the sun, I've been trying to grey rock and just stay locked in this room but she started taking out her anger on the pets in the house and I finally got up to tell her to cut it out. This was exactly what she was banking on and she then released an entire poisonous monolgoue shouting abuse, bringing up past child abuse screaming that I deserved it, telling me I'm nothing, nobody will help me because I'm worthless, she is aware of my PTSD so was attempting to try and tip me over the edge by pulling up memories or induce some kind of emotional response. She is a disgusting person and she goes through these poisonous phases often. She has now said she is kicking me out within 2 weeks. She said this in July, so I ran away ASAP so I could safely take the pets and my things to my ex-partner, without her knowledge, which she responded to by relentlessly calling me hundreds of times (which I then blocked), rang up my phone provider and then called every single number I had made a call with to trace me down herself, and harassed those people too (most of whom know about her antics, so just kept silent and said they had no idea, however my ex worried when she threatened with police). She usually threatens kicking out as a power move, because when I actually do go she becomes relentless and starts love bombing for sympathy off everyone around me and denying any of her poisonous rants and behaviours. This is why if I left with the kit of things she would potentially foil an attempt the second she realises I have actually left. I have made arrangments regarding the pets being rehomed for when I leave, and have someone aware that I may ctb and with a plan regarding their rehoming as I wont be here to see it through. I was planning to go next week (to allow for the SN to arrive, which it has now)


I think today is perfect as its the only day of the week where I have several hours alone to successfully attempt, once found it will be too late, so if not today then I have to endure the next week, and she has started drinking heavily from yesterday which usually means some violence to come. I just want to go whilst I still have the chance, and avoid any more conflict- I would've avoided this weeks conflict if it had arrived earlier. My only issue is I am concerned about not being able to do the 48hr regimen with meto, and just doing a stat dose instead to reduce chances of throwing up. If I throw this up I only have a small amount, the other SN I had coming had a higher mass so I was planning to take aliqouts of it and deposit them in scattered safe places in the case of a failed attempt, so I can return and attempt again asap. This also raises the issue of the other SN parcel arriving in case I'm alive (because I threw it up), and then not having it as a backup. My situation is utter shit, but at least I have some SN to go now. I can go anywhere, I'm not stuck here because I'm waiting for it.

 

[Heady_Cerebrum]

I haven't heard any strong opinions one way or another as to which is better between the stat dose and the regimen. EXIT suggests either. If you're really unsure and would feel better doing the 48hr regimen you should probably wait to plan it. I know I wouldn't want to be even more stressed while delivering myself.

 

[NaNo210]

I haven't heard any strong opinions one way or another as to which is better between the stat dose and the regimen. EXIT suggests either. If you're really unsure and would feel better doing the 48hr regimen you should probably wait to plan it. I know I wouldn't want to be even more stressed while delivering myself.

I know even with 48hr people have still thrown up, and still managed to ctb. So I guess, as you said, it comes down to minimising stress. Stat dose is always an option if shit hits the fan with timing I guess. I'm going to try and see if I can get away from here to at least stay safe. Thanks for replying

 

[FadeAway00]

My last post here I was panicked a bit as the original source hadn't turned up (and still hasn't- it has been a month), but found another source almost immediately and purchased, that one arrived. Bit of a story about getting it though- the tracking info wasn't updating and I was just about to post on here again about maybe changing plans (circumstances have worsened) and lo and behold the delivery truck pulled up, and I just had a gut feeling it was here. Checked the post box and I saw it inside, but had no keys for it, so spent a fair bit of time using chopsticks to pry it forwards so I could push my hands through to grab it and I GOT IT! Thank god, my mother can't get her hands on it to pry.


As I mentioned, circumstances have worsened. In the past 2 weeks I've had her throw every abusive insult under the sun, I've been trying to grey rock and just stay locked in this room but she started taking out her anger on the pets in the house and I finally got up to tell her to cut it out. This was exactly what she was banking on and she then released an entire poisonous monolgoue shouting abuse, bringing up past child abuse screaming that I deserved it, telling me I'm nothing, nobody will help me because I'm worthless, she is aware of my PTSD so was attempting to try and tip me over the edge by pulling up memories or induce some kind of emotional response. She is a disgusting person and she goes through these poisonous phases often. She has now said she is kicking me out within 2 weeks. She said this in July, so I ran away ASAP so I could safely take the pets and my things to my ex-partner, without her knowledge, which she responded to by relentlessly calling me hundreds of times (which I then blocked), rang up my phone provider and then called every single number I had made a call with to trace me down herself, and harassed those people too (most of whom know about her antics, so just kept silent and said they had no idea, however my ex worried when she threatened with police). She usually threatens kicking out as a power move, because when I actually do go she becomes relentless and starts love bombing for sympathy off everyone around me and denying any of her poisonous rants and behaviours. This is why if I left with the kit of things she would potentially foil an attempt the second she realises I have actually left. I have made arrangments regarding the pets being rehomed for when I leave, and have someone aware that I may ctb and with a plan regarding their rehoming as I wont be here to see it through. I was planning to go next week (to allow for the SN to arrive, which it has now)


I think today is perfect as its the only day of the week where I have several hours alone to successfully attempt, once found it will be too late, so if not today then I have to endure the next week, and she has started drinking heavily from yesterday which usually means some violence to come. I just want to go whilst I still have the chance, and avoid any more conflict- I would've avoided this weeks conflict if it had arrived earlier. My only issue is I am concerned about not being able to do the 48hr regimen with meto, and just doing a stat dose instead to reduce chances of throwing up. If I throw this up I only have a small amount, the other SN I had coming had a higher mass so I was planning to take aliqouts of it and deposit them in scattered safe places in the case of a failed attempt, so I can return and attempt again asap. This also raises the issue of the other SN parcel arriving in case I'm alive (because I threw it up), and then not having it as a backup. My situation is utter shit, but at least I have some SN to go now. I can go anywhere, I'm not stuck here because I'm waiting for it.

Holy shit that really sucks I'm so sorry you are going through this. So much admiration for you, as you're going through hell but you still helped me out in my post

You most certainly are not worthless and do NOT deserve any of this. I truly hope you find peace in what you decide If today ends up not being the day, I'll be here for you to talk or just listen

I really want you to know that you helped me so much by reaching out. Thank you.

 

[NaNo210]

Holy shit that really sucks I'm so sorry you are going through this. So much admiration for you, as you're going through hell but you still helped me out in my post ❤

You most certainly are not worthless and do NOT deserve any of this. I truly hope you find peace in what you decide ❤ If today ends up not being the day, I'll be here for you to talk or just listen ❤

I really want you to know that you helped me so much by reaching out. Thank you.

Thank you so much
I'm leaning towards today, it might not be, but I'm preparing anyway so everything will be in place either way
Until then I will be here on this site as much as I can, it's a very supportive place for these dark times, and I'm glad you found it too

 

[MsMaudlin]

You really don't deserve any of the things your Mother does, she isn't fit to be even called that.

Whatever decision you make, talk to us. I can understand you want to get it done today but personally I think you should wait a week and plan it better.

Sending you love and strength ❤

 

[randomz]

I would also advice on waiting. The way I see it, the source of most of your problems is your mother, and she won't always be around - you already ran away from home once. You can find another place and time to do it again.

 

[jgm63]

I believe the stat dose should be fine.
I think the main advantage of the 48 hour regime is a lower EPS risk.
I haven't seen any concrete evidence that the 48 hour regime lowers the risk of vomiting.
Dignitas use a stat regime.
There is an in between option - you could take 1 x 10mg meto every hour, for 6 hours prior (mentioned by Derek Humphry - Final Exit author).
However, if that doesn't feel suitable then just stick with the stat dose.
The stat dose used to be 60mg until they changed it to 30mg. I believe some people go in between, and take a 45mg stat dose, so that could be an option, although it might increase the risk of EPS slightly (although 50mg of diphenhydramine, eg benadryl/nytol, can be used to treat EPS)
But in general, a 30mg stat dose should be fine....

Some members have vomited, but still been successful. In the cases where people vomited it doesn't appear they drank any more SN, yet they still appeared to succeed, although the recommendation is to have one or two extra glasses ready, and to drink more in the event of vomiting.

HOWEVER : I hope you have considered your options carefully....
Could you not simply find ways of distancing yourself from your mother ?
Perhaps it might be necessary to get some type of restraining order in place ?

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I'm so sorry for all the suffering you've endured. I wish you peace in whatever you decide.

 

[NaNo210]

You really don't deserve any of the things your Mother does, she isn't fit to be even called that.

Whatever decision you make, talk to us. I can understand you want to get it done today but personally I think you should wait a week and plan it better.

Sending you love and strength ❤

Luckily I have had other things prepared for a while, just there had been a delay hence moving my date back.
If I can get out of here tonight I will put off for another few days but feel awful about doing it at my ex's house. If I can get to a hotel from there I can evade being stalked down. Worried about more steps being more room for error and things to go wrong. Keep it simple.

I would also advice on waiting. The way I see it, the source of most of your problems is your mother, and she won't always be around - you already ran away from home once. You can find another place and time to do it again.

She has been most of the problem very recently, however since October I've basically been trying to play everything as safe as possible as I narrowly avoided hospitalisation after a jumping attempt because my ex was kind enough to not call the crisis team or police and just take me down from the window. But he called my mother, and she called them anyway and they kept trying to come over to his house, getting me to come in voluntarily, then the police were mentioned to try to make me admit myself under sectioning. Since then she has threatened first with calling them again, because I'm back to an identical state (ofc because planning to ctb again), and now with kicking me out because she has gone into poison mode. I believe if I wait, she won't actually kick me out (based on how she has acted every single time I have left), but will definitely call someone to come and interfere.

Either way if I get out of here I know she will send them over again so I just feel more and more cornered and have wanted to do this for a while and finally can. But of course I don't want it to go wrong or I'll end up in hospital anyway. I've been trying to play it safe, stay out of the way and be quiet but still try to do some small things so I don't look depressed but she will probably use hospitalisation as a weapon anyway
I'm just sort of balancing 'wait and what happens? or do it now and do it right'

I got out in the past before when I was a minor, and was homeless, stayed in a shelter, and kind of got things going again but my mental illness sort of spiralled. I cant do that whole process again, in an adult mixed shelter, not with the PTSD and all that, maybe if it was the first time again without those factors. And my ex doesn't like me staying due to my mother harassing and sending people over its quite awful for him because he has had family with severe mental health issues so its all happening again for him too.

I believe the stat dose should be fine.
I think the main advantage of the 48 hour regime is a lower EPS risk.
I haven't seen any concrete evidence that the 48 hour regime lowers the risk of vomiting.
Dignitas use a stat regime.
There is an in between option - you could take 1 x 10mg meto every hour, for 6 hours prior (mentioned by Derek Humphry - Final Exit author).
However, if that doesn't feel suitable then just stick with the stat dose.
The stat dose used to be 60mg until they changed it to 30mg. I believe some people go in between, and take a 45mg stat dose, so that could be an option, although it might increase the risk of EPS slightly (although 50mg of diphenhydramine, eg benadryl/nytol, can be used to treat EPS)
But in general, a 30mg stat dose should be fine....

Some members have vomited, but still been successful. In the cases where people vomited it doesn't appear they drank any more SN, yet they still appeared to succeed, although the recommendation is to have one or two extra glasses ready, and to drink more in the event of vomiting.

HOWEVER : I hope you have considered your options carefully....
Could you not simply find ways of distancing yourself from your mother ?
Perhaps it might be necessary to get some type of restraining order in place ?

I have seen shortened versions of the 48hr regimen too so thought perhaps something in between so thanks for confirming. I have used antiemetics regularly before for other reasons (although it was prochlorperazine and domperidone, rather than metoclopramide) and never experienced any EPS, but ofc the doses were probably far lower and far less regular than for ingesting a poison.

I'm thinking even when vomiting though, most members have ctb successfully regardless, failure seems to happen when being found too early.

HOWEVER : I hope you have considered your options carefully....
Could you not simply find ways of distancing yourself from your mother ?
Perhaps it might be necessary to get some type of restraining order in place ?

I have done it before, got away for several years and maintained very low contact. It's finances, mental health issues which place me with her. I think in October I screwed up pretty badly so she can play the mental health card against me when I run off. My ex freaks out when she calls and has asked me to leave as she harassed his workplace too. If he could help with a restraining order or a no contact order it would be great but its collecting evidence and seeing as I'm here now I guess I'd have to start over again. And to be honest, I'm done with it all now, I've tried over and over in the past decade and its just gotten worse and worse.

 

[jgm63]

Yes, from the data collected by @Neville1 and @notjustyetagain most of the failed cases appear to be where people were found or called an ambulance themselves. So if you take good precautions to not be found, and have a certain amount of determination to undergo some discomfort without calling an ambulance, then the chance of success should be very high.

Ok, well it sounds as though you have considered your options already....

If you decide to proceed then I wish you safe travels on to somewhere better....

 

[randomz]

She has been most of the problem very recently, however since October I've basically been trying to play everything as safe as possible as I narrowly avoided hospitalisation after a jumping attempt because my ex was kind enough to not call the crisis team or police and just take me down from the window. But he called my mother, and she called them anyway and they kept trying to come over to his house, getting me to come in voluntarily, then the police were mentioned to try to make me admit myself under sectioning. Since then she has threatened first with calling them again, because I'm back to an identical state (ofc because planning to ctb again), and now with kicking me out because she has gone into poison mode. I believe if I wait, she won't actually kick me out (based on how she has acted every single time I have left), but will definitely call someone to come and interfere.

Either way if I get out of here I know she will send them over again so I just feel more and more cornered and have wanted to do this for a while and finally can. But of course I don't want it to go wrong or I'll end up in hospital anyway. I've been trying to play it safe, stay out of the way and be quiet but still try to do some small things so I don't look depressed but she will probably use hospitalisation as a weapon anyway
I'm just sort of balancing 'wait and what happens? or do it now and do it right'

I got out in the past before when I was a minor, and was homeless, stayed in a shelter, and kind of got things going again but my mental illness sort of spiralled. I cant do that whole process again, in an adult mixed shelter, not with the PTSD and all that, maybe if it was the first time again without those factors. And my ex doesn't like me staying due to my mother harassing and sending people over its quite awful for him because he has had family with severe mental health issues so its all happening again for him too.

I see. I am sorry in this situation. Don't you have anything else to focus on that could perhaps bring you joy? At least while time goes by and you get in a college or can move out of your home for any other reason?

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time. Meto isn't required, but it makes if easier. I don't have meto either, so I will prepare 3 servings, and drink more relative to how much I vomit. Vomiting is also not an automatic fail.

i hope you find peace and relief. You will be in my thoughts and heart.

 

[jgm63]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time. Meto isn't required, but it makes if easier. I don't have meto either, so I will prepare 3 servings, and drink more relative to how much I vomit. Vomiting is also not an automatic fail.

i hope you find peace and relief. You will be in my thoughts and heart.

I think she has meto, but perhaps just doesn't want to do the 48h regime, which is fine since the stat regime is generally just as good anyhow, apart from perhaps a slightly higher EPS risk.

 

[NaNo210]

Hi everyone just to update this- I have decided to go today. I took my dog for a long walk out in the fields earlier to sit on my decision, but I'm now decided on today. I have written instructions for his rehoming so someone can keep on top of it with contact numbers for people I know who have offered to take him in, my rabbit is elderly so may not be able to be rehomed so soon, I hope he can stay here where he is comfy.

So far I have taken 20mg meto (1hr between each) and will take another 20mg now.
I have also taken 5mg Diazepam to relax any nerves, and will take another 15mg now.
I am mixing 25g SN to be mixed in 50ml - maybe increased to 75ml if the taste is too strong or difficult to dissolve fully and will drink this within the next hour.
People will come home later this evening so I should be totally out of it by then.

I have wiped most devices already so once this post is out, wiping the computer just in case there is any evidence of being on here and will self ban.

 

[Jean4]

Hi everyone just to update this- I have decided to go today. I took my dog for a long walk out in the fields earlier to sit on my decision, but I'm now decided on today. I have written instructions for his rehoming so someone can keep on top of it with contact numbers for people I know who have offered to take him in, my rabbit is elderly so may not be able to be rehomed so soon, I hope he can stay here where he is comfy.

So far I have taken 20mg meto (1hr between each) and will take another 20mg now.
I have also taken 5mg Diazepam to relax any nerves, and will take another 15mg now.
I am mixing 25g SN to be mixed in 50ml - maybe increased to 75ml if the taste is too strong or difficult to dissolve fully and will drink this within the next hour.
People will come home later this evening so I should be totally out of it by then.

I have wiped most devices already so once this post is out, wiping the computer just in case there is any evidence of being on here and will self ban.

I'm not telling you what to do, but thought this might be beneficial.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/stans-guide-to-sn.27535/

 

[NaNo210]

I see. I am sorry in this situation. Don't you have anything else to focus on that could perhaps bring you joy? At least while time goes by and you get in a college or can move out of your home for any other reason?

Forced medical leave from university after last october, and have no money to return as I have completed almost all of it so wouldn't be back as a full student anyway to get financing to be able to tide me over with rent. Plus the mental health issues I'll just ruin it again if I went back now, I cant see myself finishing the work anyway. Thank you for replying though

I'm not telling you what to do, but thought this might be beneficial.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/stans-guide-to-sn.27535/

Thankyou Jean, I have read through Stan's guide this month as I was preparing. It was why I was concerned about not being able to do the 48hr regimen. But will be doing Stat dose of meto (split across 2hrs though). This guide has been invaluable and really helped me, as it has with many others. I just hope I succeed now

 

[jgm63]

If you decide to proceed, then I wish you a safe journey on to something better....

 

[Ghost2211]

I hope you find peace and relief in whatever path you choose. We are here for you.

 

[Naysha]

I wish you peace honey. Every post like this makes me incredibly sad. But we all disappear one day anyway. I wish I could have talked to you more here as I am newcomer. I wish you it doesn't hurt at all.

 

[MysticPerception]

Well if today is the best day and you go through with it then good luck. I hope you find peace and I'm sorry you've had to suffer such abuse for your whole life.

 

[truthseeker]

I hope you find peace away from such cruelty whatever your choice.

 

[reapandsow918]

I hope you have a peaceful transition

 

[Lostandfound7]

I hope ur still here Love..If not, rest..

 

[LastRide]

I am sorry you had to go through so much pain in your life....I wish you peace, and a painless journey...

 

[SpaceForGrace]

Fair winds in your journey. May grace find you where it leads.

 

[Sensei]

I don't think you should check out just because of one person's abusive behaviour. Basically, you let her kill you. You know your situation better than I do, though.

 

[FadeAway00]

Thinking of you today