SN arrived in 2 days. F**K! How am I going to be able to do this?

[Living sucks]

I ordered it 2 days ago and shipment said it would arrive next week but it showed up today unexpectedly.
If I was my old happy healthy pro life self I would have been appalled that anyone could get this so easily and I would have fought to get this removed from sale... things change so quickly when you're dying and don't want to suffer.
Also since I ordered this, I've read that if you have digestive issues that it could increase the discomfort level. Well of course I have severe digestive issues, bleeding stomach ulcers, ischemic intestines, hernia, malabsorption and so on. So I can't take AE's and really can't follow the 48 hour regime at all. So I'd have to go with straight up SN, Figures that part of the reason I need to ctb could deter being able to use such method. And I joined to find the best painless, go to sleep method, HA but if that existed, ctb would happen 20x more than it does. God wanted to make sure this wasn't an easy thing to do. It's not.
It's here now so I have no excuses accept my severely strong SI. I don't know how I have any SI left after the 3 years of hell I have endured. I know people who have taken guns to their head from severe back pain or depression and I thought they were weak cowards, now I understand the amount of courage it takes to ctb. I admit I'm a coward hiding everyday, wishing life would just end for me so I don't have to. The pain I'm in everyday just gets worse not to mention I'm alone in this, so the emotional toll has made me numb but yet starving for my old life, which is impossible.
For me, this isn't, I want to, because I don't. I truly feel its my only way out of the torment. I'm scared of what happens after because I know there's more than this but which way will my soul go? I have to believe that God knows my suffering and will forgive me and accept me. This sucks.

 

[Alec]

If I were to believe in god and mainstream relegation I would DEFINITELY believe and think that god would know how we suffer and wouldn't punish us for doing this. I think god would feel sympathetic and would want us to stop hurting so god would hug us and tell us we are loved after we kill ourselves instead of trying to punish us. Punishing for suicide is like trying to cure pain and suffering with more pain and suffering, if god exists Celestina being is DEFINITELY smarter than that, and smarter than these backwards ideas that are coming from hateful and willingly ignorant people.

 

[one4all]

If I was my old happy healthy pro life self I would have been appalled that anyone could get this so easily and I would have fought to get this removed from sale...

I had to say that made me almost piss my pants with that comment. It's "Primary use is for curing meats". It reminded me of a post i saw before. Something about stopping the sales of bleach and chlorine etc etc because they can also be used to try and CTB.
Hmmm maybe no one should be allowed to sell a car before they started regulating the emissions laws.

EDIT I know you said if you were a pro-lifer. Didn't mean to infer that you were.

 

[AcornUnderground]

I ordered it 2 days ago and shipment said it would arrive next week but it showed up today unexpectedly.
If I was my old happy healthy pro life self I would have been appalled that anyone could get this so easily and I would have fought to get this removed from sale... things change so quickly when you're dying and don't want to suffer.
Also since I ordered this, I've read that if you have digestive issues that it could increase the discomfort level. Well of course I have severe digestive issues, bleeding stomach ulcers, ischemic intestines, hernia, malabsorption and so on. So I can't take AE's and really can't follow the 48 hour regime at all. So I'd have to go with straight up SN, Figures that part of the reason I need to ctb could deter being able to use such method. And I joined to find the best painless, go to sleep method, HA but if that existed, ctb would happen 20x more than it does. God wanted to make sure this wasn't an easy thing to do. It's not.
It's here now so I have no excuses accept my severely strong SI. I don't know how I have any SI left after the 3 years of hell I have endured. I know people who have taken guns to their head from severe back pain or depression and I thought they were weak cowards, now I understand the amount of courage it takes to ctb. I admit I'm a coward hiding everyday, wishing life would just end for me so I don't have to. The pain I'm in everyday just gets worse not to mention I'm alone in this, so the emotional toll has made me numb but yet starving for my old life, which is impossible.
For me, this isn't, I want to, because I don't. I truly feel its my only way out of the torment. I'm scared of what happens after because I know there's more than this but which way will my soul go? I have to believe that God knows my suffering and will forgive me and accept me. This sucks.

I'm so sorry. I'm in the same situation with a terrible physical illness and tortuous pain and not wanting to go. What is your ailment?

 

[Living sucks]

I had to say that made me almost piss my pants with that comment. It's "Primary use is for curing meats". It reminded me of a post i saw before. Something about stopping the sales of bleach and chlorine etc etc because they can also be used to try and CTB.
Hmmm maybe no one should be allowed to sell a car before they started regulating the emissions laws.

EDIT I know you said if you were a pro-lifer. Didn't mean to infer that you were.

I understand lots of products sold everywhere can kill you. And be used to ctb. This has never been a topic for me to even research so I was referencing this particular product because of the intent in which I purchased it just making the point that i WAS once very ignorant and now that I'm is such severe desperation my entire view has changed. Again I'm not good with words. Just pouring my heart out. Would i have really devoted my time to it, NO i would have remained ignorant in my bliss. No harm meant from me
And YES I WAS a pro lifer. Not actively but I would have tried stopping anyone. But the tide turned.